Do you know someone who just drives you totally insane?

They’re always saying mean things or complaining about something. But little do they know, THEY are actually the villain in their own story.

Basically, they’re the problem – they just don’t realize it!

It’s true that few people behave badly and realize they’re doing it. We all like to think we’re being great friends, partners, lovers, bosses, parents, or coworkers. When in reality, we might actually be causing others a whole lot of problems…

When someone doesn’t realize that they are the problem, they’ll probably display behaviors like the following, backed by psychology.

Up first:

1) They blame everyone except themselves

Whenever anything goes wrong in their life, it’s never their own fault.

If they booked the wrong time at the restaurant, their partner was distracting them. If they forgot to send a birthday message to their mom, their sister didn’t remind them in time.

No matter what it is, it’s never their own fault.

We all make mistakes in life or mess up a little. We might start a fight with our partners over something and be in the wrong about it. Or book the wrong time at a restaurant because we didn’t double-check it!

There’s nothing wrong with that and we should simply apologize, try to fix it if we can, and move on.

But people who don’t realize they’re a problem will make a bigger deal about these things than they need to be. Instead of simply apologizing or acknowledging the part they played, they’ll turn it into an argument and hunt for someone else to blame.

Experts say this behavior is a common defence mechanism in people who feel negatively about themselves. To protect their ego and self-esteem, they blame others, rather than face reality.

2) They believe their life is unfair

I’m not going to tell you that life is unfair and you just have to deal with it. Because life isn’t fair and it isn’t fair!

But the thing is, there are things we can control in life and things we can’t. The things we can’t control aren’t always going to be good things and they won’t feel fair sometimes.

But those things happen to us all.

To get through life with sanity, we have to focus more on the things we can control rather than the things we can’t. We have to look for the good in life and do our best to deal with the bad.

The way we do this is by adopting a more positive mindset.

Experts say a positive mindset is one of the most powerful things you can develop for yourself. It can lower rates of depression, reduce feelings of distress, and improve your psychological wellbeing. The opposite of a positive mindset is a victim mindset; a feeling that your life isn’t fair.

Unfortunately, a victim mindset can cause all kinds of problems in your life. It can blur the lines between what actually is unjust and what’s actually just 1) your perception of things or 2) the consequences of your own actions.

People who don’t realize they‘re the problem often have a victim mindset, so they often feel (and complain) that life is unfair for them and only them…

3) They expect things from others

I’m sure we can all imagine a selfish act.

But have we ever thought something we’ve done ourselves is selfish? Have we ever believed we’re a selfish person?

I’m guessing not. Most people who behave selfishly often don’t know they’re being selfish. They think they’re just being normal or even nice!

Experts say people who act this way learnt it from the way they were raised, a past trauma, or even a mental health condition. It can also stem from a lack of empathy, neurodivergence, or even sociopathy.

Either way, when someone doesn’t know they’re the problem, they’ll expect things from others and be completely unaware of how their behavior is affecting the people they love!

Like they might expect a friend to help them move house or always answer their call when they’re sad. Or expect a partner to lend them money so they can attend a concert or pay for their meal when they’re short.

All the while, they’re totally unaware that others might see their behavior as selfish…

4) They talk over others a lot

Speaking of selfish behavior, experts say it’s also common for a person with a victim mindset to dominate conversations by talking about their lives, their accomplishments, and their problems.

So they might talk over a friend when they’ve just started telling a story. Or they might jump in when a coworker says they feel sad to talk about a time THEY felt sad

They think they’re being helpful, but they’re actually just making their friends or partners feel inadequate and unheard.

Which is why people like this don’t get what they’ve done wrong when a partner ends a relationship or a friend doesn’t want to meet up anymore.

They can’t see why their behavior is causing a problem, and instead, think the other person has the real problem…

5) They feel threatened when friends share good news

You know those people who call themselves your friends, but get jealous of everything you do?

When you share good news, they say you’re showing off or rubbing your success in their faces. These people aren’t good friends, for one.

But most importantly, they’re the kind of people who don’t realize they are actually the problem, not others.

They pick a fight with you over doing or saying something, when really, there’s nothing wrong with what you did or said. It’s just that the things you’ve done have made them feel inferior within themselves, so they attack you for it.

Experts say that envy is a completely normal emotion. We all feel envious when someone gets what we want. The problem comes when we start feeling resentfully envious – and it’s even more of a problem when we’re blissfully unaware of it!

But it’s a common behavior of someone who doesn’t realize they’re the problem. They see their friends as intentionally hurting them by sharing good news, rather than the reality.

Which is that their friends are simply sharing their good news with a friend…

6) They crave attention

We all need attention and validation in life. Experts say it’s important to feel validated in our decisions, relationships, and even our hobbies to feel a sense of belonging.

Yet it’s also clear in research that you shouldn’t rely solely on the validation of others. To maintain a healthy mindset and high self-esteem, you should validate your own life choices the majority of the time.

When someone doesn’t realize they’re the problem, they won’t self-validate all that often. Instead, they’ll constantly crave validation, attention, and reassurance from the people around them.

The biggest problem with this is that no matter how much attention others give them, it’ll never feel like enough.

Sadly, this can lead the person who craves it to blame others for not giving them the attention they need, causing arguments and building resentment in the process.

7) They complain constantly

Serial complaining is another trait of someone who doesn’t realize they are the problem. It’s like an old coworker of mine always had a terrible experience whenever she went to the cafeteria at work.

But what did she always do when she went to the cafeteria?

She’d complain about everything! And she’d always, always start an argument with a fellow colleague in the queue or one of the serving staff – which would result in even more complaining from her about the rudeness of their responses.

In reality, she had a negative mindset about the cafeteria. She’d hunt for something to complain about and would intentionally cause problems with the people in the queue, just so she could argue about them. She didn’t realize this, but it was clear to everyone else that she was the real problem.

Research finds that complaining actually rewires your brain for negativity. The more you complain, the more negative your mindset becomes. In turn, the more problems you notice or create for yourself.  Complaining also releases cortisol in the body, which makes us feel stressed.

So, in the case of my old coworker, it wasn’t the cafeteria that made her stressed, it was herself!

Final thoughts

Like we said earlier, no one is perfect and we all mess up a little bit sometimes. We might lash out in a moment of jealousy or complain a little too much sometimes – to the point where it makes something so much worse than it needed to be.

But things only get messy when you don’t realize that you’ve messed up or caused more problems than were necessary.

Recognizing these behaviors in yourself doesn’t mean that you’re a problematic, terrible person. But it does mean that maybe it might be time to reflect on your behavior and make a change.

Because chances are, these behaviors aren’t making you happy – not anyone else around you.