Navigating friendships can sometimes feel like walking through a minefield, especially when you’re dealing with a friend who seems happy for you, but only until you start doing better than them.

The signs can be subtle, often masked by smiles and encouraging words. But deep down, you may sense an undercurrent of resentment or jealousy whenever you surpass them in some way.

Spotting these signs is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships. As someone who’s been there, I’ll share some telltale signs that your friend might only be happy for you as long as you’re not outshining them.

This way, you can address the issue head-on or make the decision to surround yourself with people who genuinely celebrate your successes, regardless of their own standing.

1) Underhanded compliments

One of the first signs that a friend might only be happy for you as long as you’re not outperforming them is the presence of underhanded compliments.

These are comments that at first may seem like praise but upon closer inspection, contain a subtle jab or put-down. It’s almost as if your friend is trying to level the playing field by knocking you down a notch whenever you start to rise.

For instance, they might say something like “Wow, you’ve really done well for yourself, considering where you came from.” This comment, while on the surface may seem congratulatory, is actually a reminder of your humble beginnings and an attempt to keep you in your ‘place’.

Underhanded compliments are usually a reflection of your friend’s insecurities. They’re unable to process their feelings about your success, so they resort to passive-aggressive tactics.

Spotting these signs early can help you address the issue with your friend or decide if the friendship is worth holding onto. Remember, a true friend celebrates your achievements without feeling threatened by them.

2) They’re nowhere to be found in your success

Drawing from personal experience, another telltale sign is when your friend is conspicuously absent during your moments of success.

I recall a time when I landed a significant promotion at work. Naturally, I was over the moon and eager to share the good news with my closest friends. However, one friend, in particular, was conspicuously absent.

Initially, I brushed it off as them being busy. But when they continued to be unavailable during other significant moments of success, it became increasingly clear that their happiness for me had a limit.

Their absence during these pivotal moments was their way of expressing their discomfort with my success. It was as if my achievements were a mirror reflecting their insecurities and shortcomings.

A true friendship thrives on mutual support and celebration of each other’s successes. So if you notice your friend consistently missing in action during your moments of triumph, it might be time to reassess the friendship.

3) They compete with you

Healthy competition between friends can be fun and motivating. However, when it becomes a constant one-upmanship situation, it can be a sign that your friend feels threatened by your success.

In psychological terms, this is known as social comparison theory. The theory suggests that people determine their own social and personal worth based on how they stack up against others. So if your friend is always trying to outdo you, it might be because they’re using your achievements as a yardstick for their own self-worth.

For instance, if you share that you’ve started a new exercise regime and are making progress, they may immediately counter with how much more intense their workouts are. Essentially, they’re turning every achievement into a competition.

This behavior can be exhausting and damaging to the friendship, especially when it’s supposed to be a safe space for sharing and celebrating each other’s milestones. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to maintaining the health of your friendship.

4) They downplay your accomplishments

Another sign to look out for is when your friend downplays or minimizes your accomplishments. This is often a defense mechanism used by people who feel insecure about their own achievements, or lack thereof.

Say you’ve worked hard on a project and it’s been recognized by your superiors or peers. Instead of celebrating with you, your friend might dismiss it as “just luck” or suggest that “anyone could have done it”.

By belittling your success, they’re trying to protect their own self-esteem. It’s easier for them to reduce the significance of your achievement than to acknowledge that you’ve done something they haven’t.

Take note of how your friend reacts when you share your accomplishments. If they consistently downplay them, it might be a sign that they’re only happy for you as long as you’re not doing better than them.

5) They’re not there when you don’t “need” them

One of the most hurtful signs is when a friend is absent in times of your need. True friends stand by each other in both good times and bad, celebrating successes and providing support during failures.

It can be incredibly painful to realize that a friend, who was all smiles during your low-key moments, suddenly becomes distant when you’re riding high. It’s as if they’re more comfortable with you needing them than with you succeeding.

This doesn’t mean that every friend who misses a few important events is harboring jealousy. We all have our lives to manage. But if it becomes a pattern, it may be time to have an open and honest conversation about how their actions make you feel.

6) They change the subject swiftly

One sign I’ve personally encountered is when a friend consistently changes the subject whenever you share your achievements or good news.

I remember sharing my excitement about getting my first book published. Instead of sharing my joy, my friend quickly shifted the conversation to a recent break-up they were going through. It hurt to see my milestone being overshadowed and brushed aside.

This subtle shift in conversation can be a strategy to avoid acknowledging your success. It might seem harmless at first, but if it happens consistently, it could be a sign that they’re uncomfortable with you doing well.

Friends should be able to share their joys and sorrows without feeling overshadowed or neglected. 

7) They express unwarranted criticism

Unwarranted criticism is another telltale sign that a friend might be uncomfortable with your success. This isn’t about constructive criticism that helps you grow, but rather about nitpicking and finding faults where there are none.

For instance, you might have bagged a prestigious job offer. Instead of congratulating you, your friend might start criticizing the company or questioning your ability to handle the role.

This kind of criticism is often a projection of their own insecurities. They might be feeling inadequate or threatened by your achievements and resort to criticism as a way of coping.

While it’s important to be open to feedback, it’s equally vital to recognize when criticism is stemming from a place of jealousy rather than genuine concern. 

8) They show signs of envy

The most glaring sign that a friend isn’t happy when you’re doing better than them is when they openly exhibit envy. Envy can manifest in various ways, from petty comments to blatant attempts to undermine your success.

They might make sarcastic remarks about your achievements or show obvious displeasure when you share good news. These actions are often driven by a sense of inadequacy and a desire to level the playing field.

Envy is a strong emotion that can strain any relationship. If you notice your friend showing signs of envy when you’re doing well, it’s crucial to have an honest conversation with them or reconsider the friendship.

After all, friendships should lift us up, not hold us back. Surround yourself with people who genuinely rejoice in your happiness and success, no matter where they are in their own journey.

Final thoughts: It’s about balance

Navigating through the ups and downs of friendship can be a complex journey. The ties that bind us with our friends are often rooted in much more than shared experiences and interests; they’re intertwined with our emotions, perceptions, and insecurities.

When you observe signs that a friend might only be happy for you as long as you’re not outpacing them, it’s essential to remember that their reaction is likely more about them than about you. It’s often a reflection of their own insecurities, struggles, and fears.

The psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “The only happy people I know are the ones who are working well at something they consider important.” In the context of friendship, this could mean focusing on nurturing your own growth and surrounding yourself with people who encourage that progress.

Recognizing these signs in a friend is not about placing blame or finding fault. Instead, it’s about understanding the dynamics at play and making informed choices about the relationships you maintain.

At the end of the day, friendship is about mutual respect, support, and celebration of each other’s successes. If that balance is disrupted consistently, it might be time to reassess and determine what’s best for your emotional health.

After all, life is too short to spend it surrounded by negativity. Choose to spend it with those who genuinely rejoice in your happiness and success, no matter where they are in their own journey.