Covert narcissists are also narcissists, but they’re not so obvious about it. 

An overt narcissist might demand your attention, while a covert narcissist will play a game that makes you offer it to them – mostly by making you feel sorry for them or intrigued by their complexity. 

You can spot an overt narcissist pretty easily. But the covert narcissist lurks in the shadows. 

And this is exactly what makes it harder to recognize when you’ve fallen into their trap. 

Think you have?

Well, the person you think is a covert narcissist probably is if…

1) They always claim they’re being bullied or unfairly targeted, even when no evidence supports this.

When someone claims mistreatment without evidence, it can be difficult to tell whether they’re telling the truth.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t believe in calling victims liars. 

Every claim is worth listening to.

But if someone is constantly the target, it’s normal to wonder if they’re at fault, too.

The thing is, a covert narcissist likes playing the victim. This is one way they manipulate people. 

They might mention how they’re being targeted at work or how a family member always finds a way to make them look bad. 

Not only do they get sympathy and attention by doing this, but it also feeds their need for validation. 

Another reason is to avoid responsibility for their contribution to the situation.

You might feel really sorry for them at first. But over time, as these claims persist without clear justification, you can start to doubt, mistrust, or even feel emotionally exhausted the moment they begin to bring it up again.  

I knew someone who did this. And however much I wanted to believe them, I reached a point where I just couldn’t. 

Want to know what’s funny? 

When I started confronting them about the alleged mistreatment and asked why they kept going out of their way for the people who were mistreating them or refused to take any steps against them, they made me out to be an unsupportive friend. 

After I’ve been listening and sympathizing for months! 

After that, our relationship took a knock. 

Because my friend also did what covert narcissists typically do when thing don’t go their way:

2) They respond with the silent treatment – for days or weeks. 

The silent treatment is a hallmark passive-aggressive tactic that covert narcissists use to punish or control. 

When they’re criticized, or things don’t go as planned, they usually completely withdraw and refuse to speak to the person who upset them. 

This can go on for a few days or even weeks!

For them, it’s not only about avoiding confrontation. It’s a calculated move to gain power and control over the emotional state of the relationship. 

And it usually works. 

Mostly, the other person wants a resolution and emotional connection. 

So, instead of feeling hurt or confused, they think they’re guilty. Then, they apologize, even if they really didn’t do anything wrong.  

The worst part? 

This reinforces the cover narcissist’s perceived superiority as they watch someone become unsettled and eager to please them. 

The silent treatment can be incredibly damaging to the person receiving it. They might constantly worry about saying or doing something that could trigger another period of silence. 

Over time, this can lead to feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and an unhealthy dependency on the covert narcissist’s approval and affection. 

It’s sad. 

3) They withdraw affection. 

Besides giving you the silent treatment, a covert narcissist might stop giving you emotional support, hugging you, and doing things they know make you feel loved and cared for.

Sometimes, this will happen after you’ve had a disagreement or did something that upset them, making it feel like you need to tiptoe around them.

Other times, it can happen suddenly and without any clear reason, leaving you feeling bewildered and insecure. 

You might desperately try to figure out what you did wrong or how you can make things right. 

This can lead to a one-sided dynamic where you’re constantly looking for approval and affection, trying harder and harder to please the narcissist so they’ll be all loving to you again. 

But the thing is, withdrawal allows the narcissist to stay in control. They do this to keep you off-balance and more easily influenced. 

It also keeps the attention on them. 

If you’re questioning your self-worth and the stability of the relationship when someone starts to withdraw for no apparent reason, they’re probably a covert narcissist who’s mastered making you feel anxious. 

4) They nurse secret resentments for years, bringing them up unexpectedly to justify their sudden cold or hurtful behavior. 

Instead of openly confronting issues, a covert narcissist might silently place these in the back of their mind, never expressing their feeling or giving you a chance to explain or apologize. 

Then, almost out of nowhere, they bring up these old resentments to justify sudden shifts in their behavior—becoming cold, distant, or outright hurtful.

They could do the same even after they’ve told you how they feel and you’ve apologized. 

I used to date a guy who did this. 

The thing is, sometimes we all do things in our relationship that hurt the other person. 

But if we’ve talked about it, I’ve given you time to process and decide whether you want to forgive me and move forward, and you say you did and do, then I expect this to be the truth. 

A covert narcissist usually has a different plan, though. 

They’ll pretend everything’s okay just to get back at you months or years later. 

You might think this is crazy, but for them, it’s all about being in control. 

By punishing you for what you did unexpectedly, they keep the upper hand and you off-balance. 

You’ll feel blindsided and confused. 

And if the narcissist is really good at being one, they’ll even make you feel guilty all over again. 

5) They’re masters at giving backhanded compliments. 

Backhanded comments can be incredibly subtle. A covert narcissist can also sometimes cloak it in concern or even constructive criticism, making it hard for you to recognize it for what it is in the moment. 

Example:

“You’re really doing good in life for someone who didn’t finish High School.”

Or

“I wish I had the confidence to wear an outfit like that!”

On the surface, these appear to be compliments, but they’re actually laced with judgment.

Covert narcissists will use a backhanded compliment to undermine your confidence. 

And by framing their remark as a compliment, they deflect accusations of being rude. 

It’s a way of maintaining control and keeping others in a less confident, more dependent position.

Backhanded compliments can make you feel a little confused when you really give what they said some thought. 

You might think the narcissist sees you as an inspiration for other High School dropouts or genuinely wishes they could wear that cute top or skirt.

But the truth is, they’re trying to remind you that they have a better educational background than you.

And they probably think you don’t look nice in your outfit and can’t believe you’d actually wear it in public and feel good about yourself. 

Deep down, you probably already know this when they compliment you. But you might struggle to explain why the remark was hurtful without sounding overly sensitive. 

Similarly, if someone is a covert narcissist,…

6) They like leaving vague negative comments on social media that seem directed at someone in particular without directly confronting the person. 

Like with backhanded compliments, if you suspect their comments are about you, it can lead to anxiety, paranoia, and even hurt without knowing how to really explain these feelings. 

If you don’t think you’re the target, you might start to distrust and speculate. 

And this is exactly what a covert narcissist wants. 

Carefully crafting comments that appear to be directed at someone specific allows the narcissist to subtly express their disapproval, jealousy, or dislike under the guise of general commentary. 

This puts them in a position of power. 

If confronted, they can easily dismiss accusations by claiming you’ve misunderstood their comment or it was meant for someone else. 

It also stirs intrigue and attention, drawing everyone into their self-centered narrative and feeding their need for validation. 

7) They regularly act like rules don’t apply to them, and when they’re called out, they play innocent. 

Covert narcissists feel entitled and superior, too. 

This leads them to believe they’re exempt from the regulations that apply to everyone else. 

They usually break minor rules and can even have a total disregard for social norms, workplace policies, and legal requirements. 

In their mind, they’re special and above the average person who these were made for. 

And when someone calls them out, trying to hold them accountable, they act innocent. 

This manipulation tactic is used to avoid responsibility and get sympathy from bystanders. 

By acting as if they were unaware of any wrongdoing or as if their actions were misinterpreted, a covert narcissist deflects blame and avoids consequences.

This strategy can be particularly effective in confusing the person who calls, making them question their own perceptions or the seriousness of the act.

And because covert narcissists typically seem quieter or more introverted, they get away with whatever they do. 

But you’re probably dealing with one if you’re constantly confused by what they say or do and feel emotionally drained.

Just because someone doesn’t have a more blatant disregard for others or aggressive self-promotion doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. 

You should never be in a position where you’re always the supporter, constantly questioning yourself or feeling guilty for being happy. 

If you are, the person causing this is likely a covert narcissist. 

My advice? Get out.