It’s not always easy to spot a covert narcissist.

They don’t display the obvious traits of arrogance or grandiosity that you might associate with narcissism.

Instead, their behaviors are more subtle, often hidden behind a mask of charm and friendliness.

But beneath the surface, their actions can chip away at your self-esteem and leave you questioning your worth.

This article will outline 7 less obvious signs that may help you identify if you have a covert narcissist in your life.

1) Subtle put-downs

A covert narcissist can be a master of subtle put-downs.

On the surface, they might seem like your greatest cheerleader. But if you listen carefully, you’ll notice an undercurrent of negativity in their compliments.

Maybe they continually “joke” about your shortcomings.

Or, they could subtly undermine your accomplishments by belittling them or comparing them to someone else’s.

This is a classic sign of covert narcissism: they want to keep you down while maintaining the veneer of being supportive.

True friends celebrate your successes without hidden negative comments.

2) You start doubting yourself

This one hit close to home for me.

I had a friend, let’s call her Jenny. We were close, or so I thought. But there was always this nagging feeling at the back of my mind, a sense of unease I couldn’t shake off.

I noticed I started doubting myself more around her.

My ideas were never good enough, my accomplishments always had a “but” attached to them. It was like walking on eggshells, not knowing when the next criticism would come.

And the crazy part? Jenny always packaged her comments as ‘constructive criticism’. It took me a while to realize that it was just another way for her to exercise control and make herself feel superior.

Trust your gut.

If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your decisions and doubting your worth around someone, it might be a sign of covert narcissism.

3) They monopolize conversations

Covert narcissists have a knack for making every conversation about them.

Even if the topic starts off about you or something else entirely, they’ll find a way to steer it back to their favorite subject – themselves.

In fact, research has shown that narcissists use language patterns where they frequently use first-person singular pronouns like “I”, “me”, and “my”.

It’s not just a coincidence – it’s a telltale sign of their self-centered perspective.

Does your partner always seem to bring the focus back to themselves?

Guess what? It could be a sign of covert narcissism.

Ultimately, a healthy conversation should be a two-way street.

4) They’re hypersensitive to criticism

Another sign of a covert narcissist is their extreme sensitivity to any kind of criticism.

Even the most constructive feedback can be seen as a direct attack on their character.

They might react with anger, defensiveness, or even a full-blown tantrum. The reaction often seems disproportionate to the situation.

This hypersensitivity stems from their inflated sense of self. Any hint of criticism punctures their self-image, and they react strongly to protect it.

If you find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid of how they might react to even the smallest critique, you could be dealing with a covert narcissist. 

5) They never apologize

This one took me a while to notice, but once I did, it was like a lightbulb went off.

I had this colleague at work, a charismatic guy who was well-liked by everyone. But over time, I noticed that he never apologized. Not once.

Whether it was a missed deadline, a forgotten task, or even a hurtful comment, he would always have an excuse or shift the blame to someone else.

It was always someone else’s fault. Or worse, he’d twist the situation to make it seem like I was overreacting.

This inability to take responsibility and apologize is a classic.

They view apologies as a sign of weakness, something that could tarnish their perfect image.

6) They play the victim

Playing the victim is a common tool in the covert narcissist’s arsenal.

They have a knack for twisting situations to make themselves appear as the innocent party, even when they’re clearly in the wrong.

They’ll paint themselves as the victim of circumstances or even your ‘unreasonable’ expectations.

This tactic serves two purposes: it deflects blame and garners sympathy.

It’s a way for them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions while manipulating others into supporting them.

If you find that someone always seems to be the victim in their stories, it might be a sign of covert narcissism.

Healthy relationships involve accountability, not constant victim-playing.

7) They lack empathy

The most telling sign of a covert narcissist is a lack of empathy.

They struggle to understand or share the feelings of others. It’s not that they don’t care about how you feel – it’s that they can’t.

Their world revolves around their own feelings, wants, and needs.

This lack of empathy is often masked by a superficial charm. But over time, the mask slips, and their inability to truly connect with others becomes apparent.

If you find that someone in your life consistently fails to show empathy towards you or others, it’s a strong indication of covert narcissism.

Everyone deserves to be around people who can understand and share in their feelings.

Final thoughts