If someone displays these 6 subtle behaviors, deep down they’re very insecure
Where does insecurity come from?
Famous psychologist Abraham Maslow defined the insecure person as “a person who feels unconsciously rejected and consciously unhappy, unstable, and conflicted, who perceives the world and the people in it as dangerous to him”
The American Psychological Association defines insecurity as a feeling of inadequacy and an inability to cope.
Insecure people usually experience anxiety and uncertainty in their lives, and it all stems from low self-esteem and a poor self-concept.
But it’s not always easy to tell when someone’s deeply insecure.
Sometimes, their behavior and the things they say might actually lead most people in the totally opposite direction. Many insecure people cover it up well, but with only a bit of digging, you can figure out the truth.
If someone displays these six subtle behaviors, deep down, they’re very insecure, even if they hide it pretty well.
1) They hate spending time alone.
Lots of people dislike being on their own, don’t they?
So, how is this a sign that someone is insecure?
Well, actually, many introverts love taking time to themselves to chill out and recharge their batteries.
Extroverts generally prefer going out and seeking the company of others to help them build their energy back up. But this doesn’t mean they hate being on their own.
The people who do are afraid to be alone for a few different reasons.
First, they’re afraid of the labels they might have placed on them if they spend too much time alone. You know what I mean – “loner,” “antisocial,” and “weirdo” come to mind.
Fair enough.
But they also want to be around others so they can get some validation because they’re not getting that from themselves. If they spend time with groups, even if they’re not fully included, they might feel like they belong, and that’s at least some validation.
Finally, insecure people are often afraid to spend time on their own because they don’t want to have to deal with themselves.
They’re insecure because they have poor self-esteem and don’t think they’re very worthwhile, interesting, or swell.
So why would they want to spend time with that person they don’t like when they could try to hang with people they do?
2) They humblebrag.
Insecure people seem to see life as a competition, and they feel like they’re on the losing team.
One of the subtle ways this gets expressed is through something called humblebragging.
When they do something good, achieve success, or get praise, they could just go ahead and tell others about it.
But wait a second – won’t that make them seem arrogant and conceited?
This is where humblebragging comes in. This relatively new verb is based on the old adjective “false modesty,” which is something that we all understand.
This is when a person says something to draw attention to themself, but it’s disguised as a complaint, a casual statement, or even a self-deprecating comment.
I overheard a great example just the other day.
A couple of guys were in front of me in a line, and one said to the other very casually, “So, the office is sending me to Paris again next month,” followed by a dramatic sigh.
“That’s cool,” said his companion.
“Yeah, sure, if you love jetlag,” the first guy answered. “I mean, I understand they need someone to go over there and kick some ass, but it’s tiring, you know?”
Wow.
He managed to brag that he was his company’s savior but, at the same time, made it sound like he was also a victim. Classic humblebrag!
3) They play the victim.
Speaking of playing the victim, this is another subtle behavior you see all the time in insecure people.
In fact, I think that most insecure people don’t even realize that they’re playing a role. They tend to believe that they are victimized a lot of the time, and that’s why this sign is so subtle.
If we go back to Maslow’s definition above, we see that an insecure person “perceives the world and the people in it as dangerous to him.”
Obviously, the pronoun doesn’t matter here – Maslow was writing in the 1940s – but the feeling that the world is a hostile place sure does.
Every person runs into obstacles every day, but the ways we perceive them and deal with them can be very different.
Let’s look at the easiest example – what happened next to the humblebragger in line in front of me?
When he got to the coffee counter, he asked for a latte with an extra caramel shot (I know!). But the barista, very politely, told him that they had just run out.
Another loud, overdramatic, and clearly exasperated sigh followed.
“I can’t believe it,” he said. “This always happens to me.”
Now, do you think that the baristas, the coffee shop, the whole coffee industry, or perhaps the caramel mafia had somehow conspired to make this guy’s life hell for a few months by depriving him of his shot?
Yeah, unlikely.
It’s also highly unlikely that the universe was out to get him.
It makes perfect sense to be disappointed when you don’t get what you want, but to act like it’s by someone or something’s design when it clearly isn’t, makes no sense at all.
Unless you’re insecure and that’s how you view the world – out to get you.
This is a simple and subtle example of a behavior that can definitely get a lot more serious.
4) They try to dominate if they can.
I don’t know if you’ve ever watched The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan, but this show was really focused on dominance in people’s relationships with dogs.
The ideas in the show were pretty controversial, but they seem to have really taken off with insecure people. They seem to see dominance as one of the major factors in social relations.
I’ll give you an example.
I used to live in a city where I went to college and knew lots of people. I moved away for a few years but would still visit often both for work and to see my buddies.
Well, there was a new guy who had started hanging out with my friends while I was away, and when I visited, he was always a real jerk to me.
I never even had a chance to get to know him. He just started out trying to dominate me from the get-go!
Ben would talk over me, physically block me out by standing between me and the people I was talking to, and make cheap-shot comments about me all the time.
What was going on?
I realized pretty quickly that he was only doing this to me. He seemed to think that I was an outsider and, therefore, he could dominate me and not feel like he was at the bottom of the food chain.
It really smacked of insecurity.
5) They assume the worst.
I think that in the case above, Ben had this strange idea that if he didn’t dominate me in the social group, then I’d dominate him.
But we weren’t a pack of dogs, and I had no interest in even considering dominance in my circle of friends.
To me, we all got along well and liked each other. Yes, some people were a little more outspoken or funnier than the rest of us, but it’s not like we were all placed on different levels in a pecking order.
Ben and many other insecure people seem to assume that others have the worst intentions.
If you don’t share their opinion, they might take it as a personal attack rather than a simple statement of difference.
They’ll question your moves and motives because they feel anxious when changes happen. They will assume that you’re doing this to get them, even though it might not have anything to do with them at all.
6) They constantly change their minds.
Insecure people feel threatened when others change their minds, but they’re usually the biggest perpetrators of all.
They flip-flop more than my sandals!
The reason they do this isn’t, of course, the reason they assume in others. They’re not usually out to get you or strategizing to gain the upper hand.
They simply lack faith in their own decision-making abilities and doubt themselves. This makes them change courses frequently.
If you work with someone who always changes the direction of meetings and projects, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about here.
It’s a pretty good clue that deep down, that person isn’t secure in themself.
Subtle clues to insecurity
If someone displays these six subtle behaviors, deep down, they’re very insecure.
They might act with bravado or even dominance, but these are fraudulent characteristics they take on.
The truth is that they don’t have faith in and don’t feel good about themselves. They think life is a competition and they’re losing, so they do things to try to change their fortunes and gain the upper hand.