A cold and distant parent. A lack of affection. A strict and impersonal atmosphere at home.

It’s kind of a recipe for disaster, right?

What many people don’t realize, however, is that parents who struggle to show affection to their children are that way for a reason. Oftentimes, they have gone through their own fair share of trouble at home, and unfortunately, those experiences have imprinted on them.

This way, emotional suppression and a sense of detachment are carried from one generation into the next, giving rise to all sorts of unmet needs, unhealed wounds, and troubled relationships.

Therefore, if we want to understand why some parents find it difficult to be affectionate with their children, we first need to have a look at what they probably experienced growing up.

1) They were reprimanded for strong displays of emotion

When a child scrapes a knee, they cry not only because it hurts but because they want someone to soothe them, look after them, and tell them it’s all going to be okay.

In other words, they want to know they can rely on someone to love them.

If you’re constantly reprimanded for crying, throwing an angry fit, or even jumping up and down in excitement, you eventually learn that strong displays of emotion don’t get you the kind of gentle and loving affection you’re after.

And while some kids learn to act out, feeling that negative kind of attention is better than none, others develop a different coping mechanism: they shut down.

I’ve seen this happen especially to men because many societies still condition them to suppress all emotions in order to appear “strong”.

The problem is that bottling your feelings is never the answer.

One way or another, they will find a way to come out, be it through physical pains and aches, the inability to handle arguments, or the struggle to show affection to one’s children.

2) They didn’t get the attention they wanted and deserved

Every child wants attention. They need their feelings and experiences to be validated; they want their parents to be proud and happy for them; they thirst for a sense of deep connection with their primary caretakers.

Their actions scream, “Notice me! Tell me I matter!”

Unfortunately, many parents have learned that this “attention-seeking behavior” should be punished by giving one’s child a time-out, especially if they ask for attention by acting out or throwing a fit.

However, many psychologists recommend a completely opposite strategy. As David Rettew MD explains:

“Many advocates and child development experts now encourage parents to respond in ways that are almost directly opposite to the traditional advice.

“Instead of giving your child a time-out when he gets out of control, for example, you give him a “time-in” by engaging with him in a warm and sympathetic way to help him learn how to cope when he gets upset. Instead of demonstrating your authority by enforcing limits and rules, you negotiate and reason toward a solution that works for everyone.”

If someone always got a “time-out” rather than a “time-in” when asking for attention growing up, they may have learned that nothing they try ever works.

As a result, they developed a coping mechanism centered around independence. If they don’t try to truly connect with anyone they care about, they can’t be disappointed.

Of course, this kind of mindset can have profound effects on their parenting style.

3) They were taught to “tough it out”

A common parenting technique is to teach one’s child the importance of self-sufficiency as soon as possible.

In fact, even babies are left to “cry it out” sometimes because parents believe that if they disappear out of the picture, their children will learn to self-soothe.

According to the attachment theory, however, the “cry it out” method – as well as inconsistent displays of affection and teaching kids to “tough it out” – may have very negative consequences on the bond between parent and child.

If you remove yourself from the equation when your child needs you, you’re essentially teaching them that their primary caretakers are not to be trusted and relied upon.

This can have monumental consequences on their attachment style in adulthood and disrupt their relationships with others, including their partners and children.

If a parent struggles to show affection to their kids, it might be because they learned early on that the only person they could ever count on was themselves. Unfortunately, they may now project that mindset onto their children.

4) They only received praise when they accomplished a socially acceptable goal

A parent’s love ought to be unconditional. Unfortunately, many people are taught growing up that love isn’t something you receive out of nowhere – it’s something you’ve got to earn.

From getting straight As at school to acting like the perfect son/daughter or following in our parents’ footsteps when it comes to choosing a career, some of us are brought up to work extremely hard just to receive a sliver of affection and recognition.

And if we don’t realize this is what we’re doing, if we don’t unpack that mindset and integrate a new one…

We might continue the pattern when we have children ourselves.

Luckily, it’s possible to unlearn these old patterns and open our minds to new ones.

It’s within our power to break the cycle of intergenerational lust for affection and be the change we wanted to see growing up.

It takes work and courage, but it’s absolutely worth it.

5) They had to grow up too quickly

Another reason a parent may find it difficult to show affection to their kids is that they were a victim of “parentification” when they were younger.

Psychotherapist Imi Lo describes it thus:

“Parentification constitutes a form of “role reversal” in the family when a child is made to take on parental responsibilities.

“They may have to, aside from taking care of themselves, be their parents’ confidantes, their siblings’ caretaker, the family mediator, etc. It is a form of boundary violation because the innocent childhood that one is entitled to is robbed away.”

When you go through parentification, you’re not given the time, space and energy to connect with your inner child, play, and feed your curiosity. Since you’re always put in a position where you have to keep it together and manage other people’s expectations and needs, your own sense of self suffers.

As a result, you may struggle to bond with your children when you become a parent yourself because they are going through something you never experienced: a carefree and playful childhood.

6) Their own display of affection was rejected or went unnoticed

One of my friends has an avoidant attachment style. She is terrified of forming close romantic relationships and showing vulnerability.

She also once told me that when she was twelve, she made her parents an “I love you” card at school. After it was put on display for maybe a week, it got lost somewhere.

Eventually, she saw it in the bin.

This may have been one card out of many; her mother might have simply mixed it up with something else; it wasn’t that big a deal in the large scheme of things.

However, that image has stayed with her for years, reflecting her dysfunctional family dynamic and reminding her that it is better not to show affection at all than to put yourself out there and get hurt.

It makes sense when you think about it. If you constantly try to express affection and always end up feeling rejected or invisible, you will eventually learn that showing your love to others is pointless.

It’s not, of course. Far from it. 

There are plenty of people out there who will cherish and appreciate our love, most of all our children. But that belief is something everyone with an avoidant attachment style has to work on and integrate themselves.

7) They never developed a friendship with their primary caretakers

Some people are best friends with their parents. It’s not as common as we’d like, but it happens.

What may be even more shocking, however, is that many children who have a friendly relationship with their parents are actually least likely to act out. They don’t sneak behind their parents’ backs, don’t lie, and don’t have any tendencies to rebel against the status quo.

And that’s because they trust their parents to accept them and love them as they are, give valuable advice, and let them have enough freedom to enjoy themselves yet enough stability to know they have a safety net to fall back on.

If someone grew up with parents who never established that sense of trust and friendship, however, they might naturally struggle to have that dynamic with their own children.

The most important thing to remember, though, is that our past does not determine us. If we want to have a better relationship with our children than our own parents had with us, we can absolutely make that happen.

It all begins with the realization that we all have the power to change the narrative.