Connecting with our parents can sometimes be a tricky business. We love them, of course, but that doesn’t always mean we understand them.

Sometimes, it’s our own subtle behaviors that create the disconnect.

In this article, we’re going to delve into 9 behaviors, shed some light on what might be causing the disconnect, and hopefully help you strengthen your connection with your parents.

1) Overlooking active listening

When it comes to communication, we often focus on speaking. But listening is just as important, if not more so.

Active listening is a skill that involves truly hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. It’s about responding in a way that shows you’re engaged in the conversation.

Unfortunately, many of us neglect this vital aspect of communication. We might be too focused on what we’re going to say next, or simply not paying full attention to our parents when they’re speaking.

This can create a barrier between us and our parents, making them feel unheard and undervalued.

By practicing active listening, we can show our parents that their thoughts and feelings matter to us. This can go a long way in bridging the gap and strengthening our connection with them.

2) Falling into the comparison trap

This is something I’ve personally struggled with. Comparing myself to others has often led to feelings of inadequacy and distance from my parents.

They would share stories of other children’s achievements, and I’d find myself feeling inadequate, even resentful. This comparison, even though not directly stated, created a wall between us.

The truth is, it’s natural for parents to talk about others. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re comparing you or that they’re not proud of you. But it’s how we react to these situations that matters.

When I recognized this subtle behavior in myself, I started to change my perspective. Instead of feeling inadequate, I would congratulate myself on my achievements and use others’ successes as motivation.

This small shift made a significant difference in my relationship with my parents. By avoiding the comparison trap, we were able to build a stronger connection based on mutual respect and understanding.

3) Failing to express gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful bond builder. Research has shown that expressing gratitude can increase your happiness level by 25%. It’s also been found to strengthen relationships.

Yet, in our day-to-day lives, we often forget to express gratitude, especially towards our parents. We take their love and support for granted and miss opportunities to thank them for the little things they do for us.

This lack of acknowledgment can subtly chip away at our relationship with them. They might feel unappreciated or undervalued, which can create a disconnect.

By remembering to express our gratitude, even for the smallest things, we can make our parents feel valued and loved.

4) Allowing past issues to linger

We all have past issues or disagreements with our parents. It’s a natural part of any relationship. But when these issues are allowed to linger, they can create a wedge between us and our parents.

Maybe it’s a past argument that was never fully resolved, or a hurtful comment that still stings. These past issues can subtly influence our present interactions, making it harder to connect on a deeper level.

It’s important to address these issues, have open conversations about them, and find a way to move forward. This might be challenging, but it’s essential for building stronger connections.

Ignoring these past issues won’t make them disappear; instead, they’ll continue to erode the relationship.

5) Being defensive

It’s natural to become defensive when we feel criticized or misunderstood. This is especially common in parent-child relationships, where misunderstandings can easily arise due to generational gaps or differing perspectives.

However, when we’re constantly on the defense, we create a barrier that hinders open and honest communication. Our parents may feel like they can’t express their thoughts or concerns without triggering an argument.

Instead of reacting defensively, try to see things from their perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, but simply understanding their viewpoint can foster better communication and connection.

It’s not about winning an argument but about understanding and respecting each other’s feelings and perspectives.

6) Neglecting quality time

In the hustle and bustle of our busy lives, it’s easy to forget the importance of spending quality time with our parents. We might be physically present, but mentally we’re elsewhere, preoccupied with our own concerns.

Our parents might not say it, but this can hurt them. They’ve spent a good part of their lives caring for us, and now when they need our company the most, we seem distant.

Quality time doesn’t have to involve big gestures or grand plans. It could be as simple as enjoying a cup of coffee together, talking about your day, or even watching a movie together.

These moments may seem small, but they hold immense value. They remind our parents that we still cherish our relationship with them, that they’re not just important, but loved dearly.

7) Avoiding difficult conversations

I’ve always found it hard to talk about my feelings, especially with my parents. For a long time, I believed that keeping things to myself would protect them and keep our relationship conflict-free.

But I was wrong. Avoiding difficult conversations didn’t make things better. Instead, it created a void between us. My parents could sense the distance, but without knowing the cause, they were left feeling confused and helpless.

It took me a while to realize that talking about tough topics, about feelings and fears, was not a sign of weakness or a burden. It’s a way to let others in, to share our world with them.

By opening up and having these difficult conversations with our parents, we can help them understand us better. It might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s a step towards a deeper and more meaningful connection.

8) Holding onto unrealistic expectations

We all have expectations for our parents, consciously or subconsciously. We may expect them to always know the right thing to say, to never upset us, or to always be there when we need them.

But our parents are human, just like us. They make mistakes, they have their own struggles and they can’t always meet our expectations.

Holding onto unrealistic expectations can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment. This can create a disconnect and damage our relationship with them.

By acknowledging and letting go of these unrealistic expectations, we give our parents the space to be themselves. This allows for more authenticity in our relationship and makes it easier for us to connect with them on a deeper level.

9) Not expressing love openly

Sometimes, the most important things are the hardest to say. For many of us, expressing love openly and directly can feel awkward or uncomfortable.

But our parents need to hear it. They need to know that we love them, not just through our actions, but through our words as well.

Telling your parents that you love them might seem small, but it can mean the world to them. It reassures them of your feelings and strengthens your bond.

Don’t wait for the perfect moment to express your love. Say it now, say it often. Because love spoken out loud has the power to connect hearts like nothing else.

Final thoughts: It’s all about understanding

At the heart of every relationship, including the one with our parents, lies understanding. It’s understanding that allows us to see beyond our differences and connect on a deeper level.

The behaviors we’ve discussed here aren’t necessarily wrong or bad. They’re simply human tendencies that can sometimes get in the way of our relationships. By recognizing and addressing them, we open the door to better understanding and connection.

Remember, our parents won’t always be here. So let’s make the most of the time we have with them, fostering a connection that’s built on mutual understanding, respect, and above all, love.

Because at the end of the day, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s about understanding each other better and cherishing the bond we share.

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your parents. Perhaps there’s room for improvement, perhaps there are behaviors you could change. Whatever it is, know that every step towards understanding is a step towards a stronger bond.