We’re all looking for purpose.

Whether we’re soul-searching over the deep mysteries of life or simply looking for greater happiness and satisfaction.

Meaning matters.

When life feels void of any purpose it can have knock-on effects that we’re not even conscious of.

That’s why men who have never found their purpose in life often display the following 13 subtle behaviors without realizing it.

1) He express regrets

“If only”

It’s such a simple sentiment and one that can seriously mess with your mental health.

Regrets make us inflexible and can keep us trapped in shame, guilt, and self-recrimination.

But they’re also the signpost to the reality that you don’t feel content with your life.

As cognitive behaviour therapist Windy Dryden explains:

“There is a tendency with regret to see the pathway you didn’t take as inevitably better than the pathway you did.”

Often, men who have never found their purpose speak as though it’s all over.

Rather than make changes now, they focus on past chances or opportunities they feel have slipped away.

2) He starts plenty of things but never finish them

Experimentation is an important part of learning what brings us pleasure and purpose.

When you’ve already decided that something isn’t for you, there’s little point in carrying on for the sake of it.

But there is an important balance to strike too.

If a man is constantly starting something new, yet never sees it through he could struggle with commitment.

Flakiness stands in the way of making progress.

Finding meaning in anything does require a certain amount of applied effort.

If a guy is always switching jobs, partners, and hobbies it seems like he still doesn’t know what he’s looking for.

3) He doesn’t seem to know what he wants

Discovering purpose relies on getting to know ourselves.

That’s why the people who are living their purpose have done plenty of self-exploration.

It’s very easy to fall into the trap of following someone else idea of how you should live your life.

So much so that the biggest regret of people on their deathbed is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Getting better acquainted with your core values can help you to uncover your biggest desires and guide you toward greater purpose.

4) He is cynical about other people’s dreams and goals

When we don’t feel fulfilled it can sting to see others going after what they want in life.

A guy who lacks purpose will often show envy and resentment to those who do have drive and direction.

I used to work with a man like this.

He took a very negative approach and seemingly enjoyed dismissing and degrading other people’s efforts and ambitions.

Whilst it seems mean and uncalled for, it’s often a defense mechanism to cope with their own feelings of apathy and dissatisfaction.

5) He looks for reasons why he can’t

A lucky few are born with a strong sense of their purpose. The rest of us have to go out there and discover it.

But those who have given up make excuses rather than take action.

We may think of reasons as explanations but all too often they are the ways we let ourselves off the hook.

In the words of scientist and inventor George Washington Carver:

“Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.”

It’s a way of laying the blame for our discontentment away from our own door.

The problem is, with it, we also give away our power to do something about it.

6) He’s always waiting for something to happen

This can make you very restless.

Rather than go out there and create positive change, they feel powerless.

It creates this impression that most of your life is something that merely happens to you and you have very little say in it.

Whilst it’s true that we can’t control everything, we do influence plenty of how our life turns out.

Cultivating greater self-awareness is the key to identifying unhelpful negative beliefs that disempower us and encourage us to play the victim.

7) He feels stuck and is unable to make decisions

Men who don’t find purpose tend to lack direction when it comes to behavior.

They haven’t quite figured out why they’re doing something or not. That can leave them in limbo.

They may struggle to make choices, afraid of making the wrong one. They may constantly second-guess themselves.

This not only creates missed opportunities but it leaves them with a sense of stagnation.

With the absence of any set goals, they can feel lost and unsure of what they want to achieve in life.

That understandably can lead to feelings of frustration and discontentment.

8) He uses procrastination as a stalling tactic

Procrastination has ziltch to do with being lazy.

As clinical psychologist Jenny Yip points out:

“Laziness is like, ‘I have absolutely no desire to even think about this.’ Procrastination is, ‘It troubles me to think about this. And therefore, it’s hard for me to get the job done.’ That’s a big difference.”

It’s actually an emotional response we have as highlighted by the New York Times.

“Procrastination isn’t a unique character flaw or a mysterious curse on your ability to manage time, but a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond.”

It stands to reason that when a man doesn’t feel confident in what he’s working towards, he delays making a start altogether.

9) When it comes to daily life, he’s just going through the motions

This one comes down to a lack of passion.

Men without any sense of purpose often lack enthusiasm for life.

They just want to get things over and done with. Often they may feel unmotivated and uninspired. They lack any spring in their step.

They struggle to find pleasure in life’s little things. Yet being able to do so is actually one of the secrets to filling your life with more purpose.

Science has found these so-called “micro joys” can significantly improve our well-being, as explained in The Conversation. 

“Celebrating fleeting moments of joy can be so good for us because these moments champion the journey of infusing our lives with greater enjoyment and focus on prioritising positivity – rather than focusing on whether we’re happy or not.”

10) He sticks to his comfort zone

Sometimes one of the reasons why men don’t find their purpose is because they are afraid to put themselves out there.

They may avoid taking risks or trying new things because they’re too scared of failing.

This fear can hold them back from reaching their full potential.

It seems safer to stay small and prioritize safety above all else, even when it’s not satisfying.

11) He hides in unhealthy distractions

When life feels disappointing it can create a whole host of unpleasant feelings.

We can feel sad, angry, hopeless, bored, and even downright defeated.

When life feels empty, it’s natural to want to fill it. Sometimes a man will do that through beahviors that can become destructive.

Addictions and harmful habits can creep in.

That may be over eating, drinking too much, a string of casual relationships, drugs, gambling, or getting lost in TV or gaming,

These act as a distraction and numb some of those unwelcome emotions created by discontent.

12) They live in the past

Plenty of us struggle to let go of the past, for various reasons.

Sometimes we hide in the warmth of happy memories that we feel like we can’t recreate.

Other times we cling to things that have gone wrong and use them to justify the path that we are on now — whether we like it or not.

Learning lessons is one thing, but getting trapped in the past stands in the way of bringing your attention to your present.

13) They look for fulfillment in fools gold

I’m certainly not trying to tell anyone what is or is not a worthy purpose in life. But all too often we go looking for it in the wrong places.

We think that money in the bank, notches on the bedpost, praise, and recognition will bring purpose our way.

But it only brings a temporary high. And when that fades, we are left feeling even more empty and dissatisfied.

We can mistakenly think that finding our purpose is about finding that one really important thing that will make us feel like our life has meaning.

But in reality, it’s usually more nuanced than that.

It’s often discovered in a wide range of things that come together to create a sense of purpose.

• Work that has meaning
• Quality relationships
• Connection to your community
• Activities and hobbies that bring joy
• Believing in something bigger than yourself (like a cause, religion or higher practice)
• Appreciating and relishing the little pleasures
• Contributing to society

In many ways, purpose isn’t something we find, it’s something we apply to our lives by giving things we value our attention.