Ever heard the saying “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it?”

Well, I’m here to tell you there’s a lot of truth in that old adage, particularly when it comes to relationships.

See, we all navigate our relationships differently. Some of us are experts at managing our feelings and understanding others’. But for others, well, let’s just say emotional intelligence isn’t their strong suit.

If you’ve found yourself thinking “Why do I keep messing up in my relationships?” this article could be just what you need.

We’re going to explore 9 mistakes that people with low emotional intelligence often make in a relationship.

And who knows? You might just discover some ways to improve your own emotional intelligence along the way.

So buckle up, and let’s dive in.

1) Reacting instead of responding

You’ve been there, haven’t you?

Something happens, your blood starts to boil and you react on the spot. No second thought, no pause, just pure, raw emotion.

Now, reacting in the heat of the moment is a common trait for those with low emotional intelligence. But here’s the catch – it often leads to unnecessary conflicts and hurt feelings.

See, when we react, we let our emotions take the driver’s seat. But when we respond, we take a moment to think about the situation, and then decide how to act.

So how about next time trying to hit that mental pause button before blurting out whatever comes to mind? It might just save you from a lot of relationship drama.

2) Struggling with empathy

I remember a time when a friend of mine was going through a rough patch. She was upset and needed someone to talk to.

But instead of being there for her, I brushed it off, thinking she was just being overly sensitive.

Looking back, I realize how wrong I was. I should have tried to understand her feelings rather than dismissing them.

And that’s the thing about emotional intelligence – it includes empathy.

Being empathetic means putting yourself in another person’s shoes and attempting to understand their feelings and perspectives.

But for those with low emotional intelligence, this can be a real struggle. They might come off as insensitive or uncaring, even if they don’t mean to be.

3) Missing non-verbal cues

I’ll never forget that dinner with my then-boyfriend. We were at a beautiful restaurant, but something was off. He kept glancing at his phone, his eyes were wandering around the room, and he barely touched his food.

Instead of acknowledging these signs, I kept rambling on about my day, blissfully unaware of his disinterest.

What a disaster, right?

That’s a classic case of missing non-verbal cues, a mistake often made by those with low emotional intelligence.

Non-verbal cues are vital in understanding others’ feelings and intentions. They include body language, facial expressions, and even the tone of voice.

Ignoring these signs can lead to misunderstandings and make you appear out of sync with your partner’s feelings.

Next time you’re in a conversation, try to pay more attention to these subtle, non-verbal signals. Trust me, it can make your relationships smoother and more harmonious.

4) Unable to handle criticism

Ever had someone critique your work and you immediately felt defensive?

I’ve been there. My boss once gave me some constructive feedback, and I instantly felt attacked. Instead of taking it in stride, I got defensive and argumentative.

And that’s where I went wrong.

People with low emotional intelligence often struggle with handling criticism. They tend to see it as a personal attack, rather than an opportunity for growth.

But here’s the thing – to grow, we need to learn from our mistakes. And for that, we need feedback.

Remind yourself that it’s not personal, and see what you can learn from it. Your relationships, both professional and personal, will thank you in the long run.

5) Neglecting their own feelings

Did you know that bottling up emotions can lead to physical health issues like heart disease and high blood pressure?

I used to be one of those people who would push my feelings down, thinking it was the mature thing to do. But let me tell you, it didn’t do me any favors.

Individuals with low emotional intelligence often neglect their own feelings. They might think it’s easier to just “suck it up” rather than addressing their emotions.

But ignoring your feelings doesn’t make them disappear. In fact, they usually come back with a vengeance.

Next time you’re feeling upset, angry, or even overly excited, don’t just brush those feelings aside. Acknowledge them, feel them, and express them appropriately. It’s healthier for both you and your relationships.

6) Avoiding difficult conversations

Confession time. I used to be the queen of avoiding difficult conversations. If something was bothering me in a relationship, I’d rather stay silent than bring up the issue. I thought it was easier that way.

But you know what? It wasn’t.

Those with low emotional intelligence often dodge tough conversations. The thought of potential conflict can be so overwhelming that they choose silence instead.

But avoidance doesn’t solve anything. It just buries the problem, allowing it to fester and grow.

7) Not asking for help

I used to had this idea that I needed to handle everything on my own. If I was upset or struggling with something, I’d keep it to myself, thinking I didn’t want to burden my partner with my problems.

Now, looking back, I realize this was a mistake. A relationship is a partnership, and that means sharing not just the good times, but also the challenges.

It means leaning on each other for support when things get tough.

I remember one incident where I was stressed about work but didn’t share it with my partner. They could sense something was off but since I didn’t communicate, it led to misunderstandings and needless tension between us.

When I finally opened up about what I was going through, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

My partner was understanding and supportive, and it brought us closer together.

It taught me an important lesson: asking for help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it’s a sign of strength and trust.

It shows that you value your partner’s support and believe in your relationship’s ability to weather the storm together.

8) Blaming instead of taking responsibility

Alright, let’s get real here. We all mess up sometimes. It’s part of being human. The problem starts when we point fingers at others instead of owning up to our mistakes.

Blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong is an easy trap to fall into.

It’s so much simpler to make them the villain, rather than admitting that you might have screwed up too. This is a common mistake that people with low emotional intelligence tend to make in relationships.

But let’s be honest, it’s a cop-out. It’s a way of avoiding responsibility and dodging the difficult task of self-reflection. And it does nothing but harm to the relationship.

No one is perfect, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is refusing to acknowledge your part in the problems that arise in your relationship.

So next time something goes wrong, take a deep breath, look inward, and ask yourself: “What could I have done differently?”

Taking responsibility for your actions might be hard, but it’s also the first step towards growth and improvement. And believe me, it’s worth it.

9) Failing to appreciate others

At the end of the day, relationships are about mutual respect and appreciation. But those with low emotional intelligence often neglect this crucial aspect.

Think about it. When was the last time you genuinely thanked your partner for something they did? Or told your friend how much you appreciate their support?

These small acts of appreciation can make a huge difference in any relationship. They make the other person feel valued and loved.

So don’t hold back. Show your appreciation freely and frequently. It’s the simplest, yet most effective way to strengthen your relationships.

Final reflections

If you’ve recognized yourself in these mistakes, don’t fret. Emotional intelligence isn’t something we’re born with, it’s a skill we develop over time.

The first step towards improvement is self-awareness. Identifying where you might be going wrong in your relationships is a significant leap in the right direction.

Now, the real work begins. Notice when you react instead of respond. Pay attention to your empathy levels.

Stay attuned to non-verbal cues, handle criticism gracefully, acknowledge your feelings, brave those difficult conversations, and appreciate others.

Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey that requires patience and persistence.

Take it one day at a time. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Seek support if needed and don’t forget to be kind to yourself along the way.

With consistent effort, you can improve your emotional intelligence and in turn enhance your relationships.

In the words of Daniel Goleman, “Emotional intelligence begins to develop in the earliest years…the small exchanges children have with their parents, teachers, and with each other carry emotional messages.”

So let’s start today. Let’s create better emotional messages for ourselves and for our relationships.