Growing up wasn’t always a walk in the park for everyone.

For some of us, the world was a complex tangle of emotions and social cues that seemed foreign, even alien.

We might struggle to understand our own feelings, let alone the feelings of others.

Or maybe we’re always second-guessing ourselves, unsure of our own responses.

But here’s the thing: those childhood experiences, they shape us.

They mold our understanding of feelings, our reactions, and our empathy toward others.

Today, I’m going to take you through 8 experiences from childhood that often appear in the life stories of those who grapple with emotional intelligence as adults.

1) You grew up in an emotionally invalidating environment

As a child, your home life may have been dominated by a lack of emotional validation.

Maybe your feelings were often dismissed, ignored, or even ridiculed.

You might’ve been told that you were too sensitive, or that your reactions were dramatic or exaggerated.

In some instances, your emotional responses could have been met with punishment or scorn instead of understanding and guidance.

Here’s the deal:

Such an environment can make it difficult for a person to recognize, understand, and manage their own emotions as they grow into adulthood.

This lack of emotional validation during childhood often leads to adults struggling with emotional intelligence.

As a result, they may find it hard to gauge their own emotional state or understand the emotions of others — simply because they never learned how to do it during their formative years.

2) Emotions weren’t a topic of conversation

In my own experience, we never really talked about feelings at home.

It was as if emotions were this big elephant in the room that everyone could see but no one wanted to acknowledge.

I remember feeling confused, frustrated, and sometimes even scared because of one thing:

I had all these emotions bubbling inside of me, but there was no outlet for them.

Simply put, there was no guidance on how to handle these feelings, no discussions about what they meant or why they were there.

Instead, everything was swept under the rug, ignored until it went away on its own – or at least until it was forgotten.

And so, I grew up not really knowing how to talk about feelings, not knowing how to express them in a healthy way.

Unfortunately, this lack of emotional conversation can contribute to difficulties with emotional intelligence later in life.

3) Experiencing frequent relocation

Did you know that children who move around a lot often struggle with emotional intelligence later in life?

It’s true.

In fact, frequent relocation can be a big emotional hurdle for a child.

As for me, I moved around a lot when I was young.

Just when I started to settle into a new place, make new friends, and adjust to my surroundings, we would pack up and move again.

You see, it felt like I was constantly erasing and rewriting parts of myself.

Want to know what this constant upheaval meant for me?

That I never had the chance to form deep, lasting relationships or learn how to handle emotional conflicts in those relationships.

As a result, I’ve developed a coping mechanism and learned to keep my emotions on the surface, never allowing them to get too deep.

If this sounds familiar, I want you to understand this:

It’s not your fault that you struggle with emotional intelligence. Your past has shaped you but remember, it doesn’t have to define you.

4) Lack of role models

Some psychologists believe that emotional intelligence is something that’s generally learned through the observation of parents. 

How exactly?

Well, children watch how their parents and other adults in their lives manage emotions and respond to the feelings of others.

If those adults lack emotional intelligence themselves, it can lead to a cycle of emotional ineptitude.

You see, it’s like trying to learn a foreign language without having anyone to practice with:

You might pick up a few words here and there, but without immersion and practice, you’ll struggle to become fluent.

In my case, the adults in my life weren’t exactly masters of emotional intelligence.

Their reactions were often impulsive, their understanding of others’ feelings limited, and their emotional vocabulary was hardly extensive.

Now I realize this lack of emotional guidance has shaped my struggles with emotional intelligence. 

But it’s not about blaming our parents or caregivers — they probably did the best they could with what they knew.

The key is to recognize this gap in our emotional education and take steps to fill it. It’s never too late to learn and grow emotionally.

5) Emotional neglect was a norm

It’s natural to crave attention and validation as kids, especially from those we look up to.

But again, in my case, those needs were often overlooked.

It wasn’t that I was physically neglected – I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my back.

But emotionally?

It was a different story.

My feelings were usually brushed aside, deemed unimportant, or simply ignored.

Over time, this emotional neglect made me feel like my feelings didn’t matter.

It taught me to bottle up my emotions because expressing them didn’t get me anywhere.

As an adult, this resulted in a struggle to connect with my own emotions and difficulty understanding the emotional needs of others.

Sadly, this is a common thread among many adults who struggle with emotional intelligence – their emotional needs were neglected during their formative years.

6) Being the ‘responsible’ child

Let’s admit it:

Often in families, parents unconsciously assign certain roles to children.

In my case, I was the ‘responsible’ one.

This meant that I had to be the one who had to keep things in order, ensure everyone was happy, and avoid conflicts at all costs.

This role came with an invisible weight of expectation.

I felt that I had to suppress my own emotions for the sake of maintaining peace and order in the house.

The result?

My own emotional needs took a backseat, and over time, I lost touch with them.

Perhaps not surprisingly, later this has translated into a struggle with emotional intelligence.

I often find it hard to identify my own feelings, let alone express them.

It’s as if my emotions have been locked away in a box, and I’ve misplaced the key.

7) A high-stress environment was my playground

As children, we soak up the world around us like sponges.

I remember growing up in a home where tension always hung in the air like a dense fog.

There were constant disagreements, shouting matches, and a general sense of instability.

In such a high-stress environment, emotions ran high and wild, yet there was little guidance on how to process or deal with them.

Instead, the focus was on surviving the chaos, not understanding the emotions that stemmed from it.

But you know what?

As you grow up, all these unhealthy patterns lead to a lack of emotional management skills.

Therefore, you may find yourself overwhelmed by your emotions and unable to process them effectively simply because you didn’t learn how to in your high-stress childhood environment.

This is a shared experience among many who struggle with emotional intelligence – their early life was marked by stress and instability.

8) Being told to ‘toughen up’

“Stop crying and toughen up!” – I can’t tell you how many times I heard this growing up.

The subtext was clear: showing emotion was a sign of weakness.

Every time I felt upset, scared, or hurt, I heard that voice in my head telling me to ‘toughen up.’

So, I did.

I learned to swallow my tears, put on a brave face, and move on.

But here’s the thing – emotions aren’t something we can just switch off.

They’re a part of who we are, and they’re meant to be felt, not suppressed.

This ‘toughening up’ has evolved into a struggle with emotional intelligence.

It’s as if my emotions are locked behind a fortress wall, secure but inaccessible.

If you feel the same, I need you to realize that it’s okay to feel, and it’s absolutely okay to express those feelings.

After all, emotions aren’t a sign of weakness — they’re a sign of being human.

Final reflections

If you’ve found yourself nodding along to these experiences, take comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

Many adults grapple with emotional intelligence because of similar childhood experiences.

But here’s the crucial part – understanding your past is the first step towards changing your future.

Recognizing these patterns gives you a unique advantage.

With awareness, you can break the cycle and cultivate emotional intelligence. It’s never too late to learn and grow.

Start by acknowledging your feelings, validate them, and give them the attention they may have lacked before.

Practice empathy, not just for others but for yourself too.

With patience and perseverance, I’m sure you can transform your emotional intelligence.