I’ve spent a good chunk of my career exploring culture, psychology, and self-improvement.

Since I’m also an introvert, you could say that I’ve had plenty of time to observe, reflect, and sometimes overthink everything around me.

Over the years, I’ve come to recognize some subtle behaviors that often go unnoticed in the day-to-day hustle—especially when it comes to perfectionism.

Now, perfectionism can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it drives us to excel; on the other, it can quietly sabotage our well-being.

It’s like chasing a phantom: you keep running toward an ever-shifting finish line, convinced you can catch it if you just run a little harder.

If you suspect you might be a perfectionist (or know one), here are ten things you might be doing without even realizing it.

1. You Rehearse Conversations in Your Head

Have you ever found yourself lost in thought, going over a conversation you plan to have tomorrow or next week—or maybe one that’s already happened?

If so, you might be dipping your toes in the perfectionist pool. It’s not just about planning what you’ll say. It’s about making sure every word is flawless.

A lot of us do this to some extent, but perfectionists can take it to an entirely new level. When you’re a perfectionist, you might not stop at a casual mental run-through. Instead, you meticulously craft each phrase, tone, and even the other person’s responses.

Psychologists call this mental rehearsal. While it can be helpful in small doses—especially for things like job interviews—it can also ramp up anxiety and reduce spontaneity.

Sometimes, letting yourself be genuine (flaws and all) makes for more meaningful connections.

2. You Give Up Too Soon… or Never Start at All

This might sound counterintuitive—why would a perfectionist just quit? The reason is simple but sneaky: fear of failure.

In perfectionism, the need to do something perfectly can be so strong that if you can’t achieve flawless success, you’d rather not do it at all.

That story you were going to write, but didn’t? The new hobby you wanted to pick up, only to convince yourself it was too late to begin? That’s perfectionism talking.

It’s telling you, “If it’s not going to be perfect, why bother?” It’s a tricky voice to silence, but once you do, the payoff can be huge.

As Dr. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, explains, embracing a “growth mindset” means treating mistakes as stepping stones, rather than pitfalls.

3. You Beat Yourself Up Over Small Errors

One of the hallmark traits of a perfectionist is the inability to let go of minor mistakes. Tripping over a word in a presentation.

Finding a tiny typo in an email—after it’s already been sent. Spending days agonizing about that slip-up in front of your boss. Sound familiar?

This behavior is linked to what psychologists call negativity bias, where our brains give more weight to the negative than the positive.

Perfectionists tend to magnify these small errors, replaying them again and again. In turn, these little hiccups feel like insurmountable failings.

I once spent an entire evening ruminating over a missing Oxford comma in a client’s document.

Did anyone else notice or care? Probably not. But for me, it felt like the end of the world.

4. You Praise Everyone but Struggle to Accept Praise Yourself

Perfectionists often hold themselves to impossibly high standards. And while they might be the first to cheer on a friend’s victory—“You did amazing!”—they often deflect compliments aimed at themselves.

It might look like this: A colleague says, “Your presentation was incredible!” and you respond, “Oh, it could’ve been better. I messed up that one slide.”

Unable to accept that you’ve done a good job, you focus on what wasn’t absolutely perfect.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion, learning to be kind to yourself is crucial.

Perfectionists typically struggle with this, but it’s a skill you can practice.

Next time someone compliments you, just say, “Thank you,” and take a moment to actually feel proud.

5. You Over-Research Everything

Do you lose hours (or days) in a deep-dive of online reviews, Wikipedia pages, and YouTube tutorials before you make a decision?

If so, you might be a perfectionist seeking absolute certainty.

Sure, research is useful. But for many perfectionists, the goal is not just to be informed—it’s to avoid the risk of making a wrong choice.

In my own life, I once spent three days researching the “best” coffee maker. I read endless consumer reports, hunted for deals, and compared specs.

In the end, it ate up a lot of time and mental energy. The lesson? Often there’s no single perfect choice—just a series of good ones.

6. You Struggle with Delegation

One less-talked-about aspect of perfectionism is the compulsion to do everything yourself.

If you’re convinced that no one can do it “just right,” you’ll avoid asking for help.

It’s understandable—delegating means risking that something might not be done to your precise standards.

Yet refusing to delegate piles on stress and leads to burnout. And ironically, it can also breed resentment.

Ever felt exasperated that you’re handling all the tasks while others seem off the hook?

You might be inadvertently pushing people away from helping by not allowing them the space to learn.

Remember that people often rise to meet expectations if you trust them enough to try.

7. You Keep Tweaking Long After It’s “Good Enough”

If you’ve ever sent a birthday text an hour late because you wanted to compose the perfect message, you’ll relate to this one.

There’s a saying often attributed to Aristotle: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

While the pursuit of excellence can shape us, it can also trap us in endless cycles of tweaking.

For writers like me, it’s the final polish—draft after draft, read after read. At some point, the changes become so minor that no one else would notice.

Yet I keep going. It’s only later I realize the fear behind it: “What if it’s not perfect?”

In the end, sometimes you have to hit “send,” call it done, and trust in your abilities.

8. You Put Off Relaxation Until You’ve ‘Earned’ It

Does the phrase, “I can’t relax until all my tasks are done” ring a bell? For perfectionists, relaxation is often seen as something to be earned rather than a necessary part of life.

You make a massive to-do list that never ends, then wonder why you’re exhausted.

Psychologist Brené Brown talks about the importance of play and rest as integral to our ability to be creative and resilient.

Constantly grinding away can actually reduce productivity and zap creativity.

I used to believe that if I just worked a bit harder, eventually everything would be under control.

Surprise, surprise—life is never fully under control, and you’ll burn out waiting for that magical moment to “deserve” a break.

9. You Are Relentlessly Self-Critical

Calling yourself names (“I’m so stupid,” “I’m a mess”) might seem harmless, but it’s a red flag of perfectionism.

Instead of seeing yourself as a whole person with strengths and weaknesses, you reduce your identity to the sum of your “mistakes.”

This is not just negative thinking; it’s a direct blow to self-esteem and mental health.

Author and social researcher Brené Brown notes that shame thrives in secrecy.

When we keep our self-criticism locked away, it spirals. Many of us use self-criticism as a twisted form of motivation, hoping it will make us do better next time.

But in reality, constant put-downs can sap your spirit and make you less likely to try new things.

10. You Set Unrealistic Goals for Yourself (and Others)

Lastly, let’s talk about the highest-level manifestation of perfectionism: unrealistic standards.

Sometimes these impossible goals are only directed toward yourself, but other times you expect the same of others. This can strain relationships, both personal and professional.

Think back to group projects in school. Were you the one who took on the lion’s share of the work, expecting no one else could do it properly? Or maybe you’ve had moments where you set harsh standards for your partner, your kids, or your friends without fully realizing it.

That’s the perfectionist lens, forcing you (and everyone around you) to reach a bar that’s set way too high.

Over time, this can create tension and even push people away. Recognizing this is half the battle.

You can learn to set more realistic goals and expectations, freeing both yourself and the people you care about from unnecessary pressure.

What Can You Do?

Identifying these patterns is step one. The next step is learning how to manage them. Here are a few ideas:

• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, don’t say it to yourself.
• Set Realistic Benchmarks: Aim for improvement, not perfection. Ask yourself, “Is this standard achievable, or am I setting myself up for failure?”
• Celebrate Small Wins: If you finished a project (even if it’s not perfect), honor that achievement. It takes courage to complete something when your mind insists it’s not good enough.
• Seek Feedback: Sometimes, it’s helpful to get an outside perspective. Ask colleagues, friends, or mentors for their opinions. You might find that what you see as a flaw is actually negligible—or even adds charm.
• Take Breaks: Schedule in relaxation time. Put it on your calendar if you have to. Downtime isn’t a reward; it’s essential for mental clarity.

A Personal Note

I’ll confess: even after years of writing about self-improvement and psychology, I still catch myself falling into perfectionist traps.

As someone who juggles multiple deadlines in a city that never sleeps, it’s hard not to feel like you should always be doing more.

But the more I read, write, and reflect, the more I realize perfectionism is a silent thief. It steals time, peace of mind, and sometimes even joy.

Realizing that done is often better than perfect has helped me thrive in my career and personal life.

I’ve learned to say “thank you” to compliments rather than deflecting them.

I’ve let go of tasks I can’t handle and delegated them to people I trust. And I’ve started to find satisfaction in progress instead of flawlessness.