Not all acts of kindness are as sincere as they seem. Sometimes, people use kindness as a mask for their true intentions – a manipulation tactic, if you will.

Spotting genuine kindness from insincere gestures can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. There are telltale behaviors that give away the game.

In this article, I’ll walk you through 10 such behaviors that might suggest someone’s kindness isn’t quite so genuine.

Let’s dive in. 

1) Overcompensation

Sometimes, people who aren’t genuinely kind tend to overdo their acts of kindness. It’s as if they’re trying too hard to convince you of their good nature.

Overcompensation can be a red flag. For instance, they may shower you with excessive compliments or go out of their way to do things for you, even when it’s not necessary, or even appropriate.

It’s almost as if they’re putting on a show, aiming to win your approval or trust.

But genuine kindness doesn’t need to be loud or attention-seeking. It’s often quiet, subtle, and consistent.

2) Conditional kindness

In my experience, one clear sign of insincere kindness is when it’s conditional.

I once knew a person who seemed incredibly kind and generous, always ready to lend a hand or offer support. However, I soon noticed a pattern: their kindness always came with strings attached.

If they did me a favor, they would later expect one in return. Or worse, use their past ‘kindness’ as leverage, making me feel obligated to agree to their requests.

True kindness is unconditional. It’s not a transaction or a bargaining tool. Genuine people do good because they want to, not because they expect something in return.

3) Frequent spotlighting

Did you know that people who frequently highlight their own kindness might not be as altruistic as they seem?

Psychology tells us that those who constantly need to showcase their good deeds tend to be more concerned with their image than the act of being kind itself.

It’s like they’re saying, “Look at me! See how kind I am?” They want to be seen and acknowledged for their actions.

Genuine kindness, however, happens behind the scenes. It’s not about gaining recognition or standing in the spotlight; it’s about doing good for the sake of it.

4) Lack of empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s a key ingredient in genuine kindness. Without it, actions labeled ‘kindness’ can often feel hollow or insincere.

Someone may seem to be kind by their actions, but if they lack the ability to empathize with others, their kindness might not be genuine.

For instance, they may offer help or advice that doesn’t quite hit the mark, because they’re not truly considering the other person’s perspective or feelings.

Genuine kindness involves a deep understanding and respect for others’ experiences and emotions. If that element is missing, you may want to question the sincerity of their so-called kindness.

5) Inconsistency

Consistency is a hallmark of genuine kindness. If someone’s kind behavior fluctuates wildly based on their mood, the situation, or the people they’re with, that might be a sign of insincere kindness.

For example, if they’re exceptionally kind to you in public but indifferent or even rude in private, it could indicate that their kindness is more about maintaining an image than truly caring for others.

Genuine kindness doesn’t flip on and off like a switch. It’s steady and reliable. 

6) Ignoring boundaries

Kindness should always respect personal boundaries. It’s about considering the other person’s comfort and wellbeing above all else.

If someone insists on being kind in ways that make you uncomfortable or cross your personal boundaries, it’s not really kindness. It might feel more like control or manipulation, cloaked in the guise of goodwill.

For instance, if they insist on helping you even when you’ve clearly expressed that you’d rather handle things on your own, it can feel invasive rather than kind.

Genuine kindness listens. It respects. It doesn’t bulldoze over your comfort zone under the pretense of doing good. It’s okay to recognize and call out behavior that feels intrusive, even if it’s packaged as ‘kindness’. Your feelings and comfort matter, too.

7) Disregard for your feelings

I remember a time when I was going through a rough patch. A friend would often offer me advice, which on the surface seemed kind. But there was something off about it.

Despite my expressing how I felt, they would dismiss my emotions, insisting that I was overreacting or that I should be feeling differently. Their advice, though seemingly well-intentioned, often left me feeling unheard and invalidated.

True kindness acknowledges and respects your feelings. It doesn’t dismiss them or make you feel like you’re wrong for experiencing them.

If someone’s ‘kindness’ makes you feel invalidated or brushed aside, it’s probably not as genuine as it appears.

8) Overly focused on fixing problems

You might think that someone always ready to fix your problems is a sign of kindness. However, it can sometimes indicate the opposite.

If someone is always jumping in to solve your issues without considering whether you want their help, it might not be genuine kindness. It could be a need for control or a lack of respect for your autonomy.

Genuine kindness listens first and offers help if, and only if, it’s wanted. It understands that sometimes, we just need to be heard, not fixed.

9) Lack of follow-through

Promises of kindness are easy to make, but it’s the follow-through that really counts. If someone often makes grand gestures of goodwill but rarely follows through, their kindness might not be genuine.

For example, they might offer to help you with a project, make a big show of how they’ll support you, but then when the time comes, they’re nowhere to be found.

Genuine kindness keeps its promises. It’s reliable and can be counted on when you need it.

10) Using kindness as a weapon

The most critical sign that someone’s kindness isn’t genuine is when they use it as a weapon. This means they use their ‘kind’ acts as a means to guilt-trip, control, or manipulate others.

For instance, they might remind you of their past kindness to make you feel obligated to do something for them or use it to justify their bad behavior.

Genuine kindness is never used as a weapon. It’s freely given and doesn’t expect anything in return. If kindness is used to control or manipulate, it’s anything but genuine.