Here’s something I’ve noticed lately: people either struggle to say sorry or they overuse the word to the point that it loses its power.

If you’re like me and identify with the latter, you likely say sorry in any and every situation without even realizing it.

For example, when someone tells you someone they love passed away, you immediately respond with the classic but useless response – I’m sorry.

Or when you make a minor error or arrive late, you immediately issue a full-blown apology, even though it’s not a big deal.

So, how can we stop over-apologizing?

Luckily, there are many ways to express empathy, understanding, and regret without using those classic two words. 

Alternative ways to show empathy to someone going through a hard time

In these situations, we say “I’m sorry” to show sympathy to the person going through a hard time. 

But saying sorry is the easiest response but the least impactful. 

If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, you’ll know that someone saying “sorry for your loss” means nothing. But when someone uses a more thoughtful phrase, it can make you feel less alone and more understood. 

Here are the five favorite phrases I prefer to use to show empathy to others instead of “I’m sorry.”

1) “I’m here for you”

As Jamie Cannon, an LPC who specializes in trauma and grief, explains, the phrase “I’m sorry for your loss” separates us from the person who is grieving. 

Here’s why…

It emphasizes that it is their loss, which may be true, but it makes the person feel very isolated and alone. To the person grieving, it can almost feel like a kinder way to say, “It’s not my problem.”

This is why I prefer to say, “I’m here for you,” when someone tells me devastating news.

Immediately, this phrase makes the other person feel supported and not alone, which is fundamental to a healthy grieving process. 

As TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program For Survivors) says, the empathy of others permits us to express our feelings outside of ourselves rather than bottling them up.

There is not much else you need to say beyond this phrase, as studies show physical presence is more beneficial in grief support than words. 

While you may not think it, sitting in silence with someone struggling is more impactful than speaking words of wisdom. 

A 2021 study by Arizona State University supports this. The participants rated their pets as giving better emotional support than their families, colleagues, and community members.

2) “How can I support you right now?”

What if sitting in silence makes you feel uncomfortable, as it does for many people?

In this case, ask them directly how you can help them. 

I want to emphasize the importance of asking it directly to show that you are proactively ready to support them at that moment. 

Many people say, “Let me know if you need anything,” but this phrase feels very fake to me. 

If someone says this to me, I feel like they are simply saying it because they believe it is the right thing to do, not because they want to help me.

But if someone says, “How can I support you right now?” I would be much more likely to:

1. Think about the support I need
2. Feel comfortable enough to ask for it

3) “This sounds very difficult, but know you are not alone”

This is one of my favorite empathetic phrases to use because:

1. It shows you understand how challenging the situation is for the other person
2. It makes the other person feel supported

More specifically, it’s an ideal alternative to the not-recommended phrase “I know how you feel.”

When someone tells us about something they’re going through that we have also experienced, we feel like we can understand them.

However, we all react differently to situations, especially traumatic events. So, even if you went through something similar, you still have no idea how this person feels. 

As sociology professor Charles Derber explains, it is a shift response. This is when our ego attempts to subtly shift the focus away from the other person and onto ourselves. 

So, instead of saying that you know how they feel, acknowledge the difficulty of their situation and then remind them that they are not alone.

Trust me…

 This phrase will make them feel ten times more supported than “I know how you feel.”

4) “I know this isn’t easy and I appreciate your openness”

Opening up to others is incredibly difficult. 

When my ‘fur child’ passed away earlier this year, I found it almost impossible to tell people what had happened, let alone talk about it.

After a couple of weeks, I started talking to people about it, but only to those I thought would understand (because, let’s face it, many people don’t accept that you can/should grieve a pet).

So, my point is that if someone opens up to you, they see you as empathetic.

But let me tell you this – there were a few people I tried to open up to, believing they would understand. But all I got from them was the classic response, “I’m sorry.”

Needless to say, I didn’t talk to them about it again.

So if someone trusts you enough to tell you about their troubles, acknowledge just how difficult it was for them to do so.

The best way to do so is with this phrase; “I know this isn’t easy, and I appreciate your openness.”

This phrase will ease their initial discomfort, showing they can trust you to understand their situation. 

It also allows them to talk more about their feelings, which, as already mentioned, is an essential part of any healing process.

5) “It’s understandable to feel the way you do”

The worst thing you can do when someone opens up to you is minimize their feelings. 

One common but unconscious way we do this when someone passes away is to say, “At least they are now in a better place/at peace.”

The intention here is to highlight that the person is no longer suffering. However, it can imply that the grieving person should not feel sad because of it. 

Regardless of the circumstances, it is totally ok and normal to feel devastated and heartbroken at any loss.

As the trusted friend of the grieving person, one of the best things you can do is validate their feelings by telling them it is ok to be sad/ to feel angry/ to cry, etc.

Alternative ways to apologize to others

Let’s discuss another situation where “sorry” doesn’t cut it – when you do something wrong. 

As psychotherapist Beverly Engel writes in her book “The Power of an Apology,” over-apologizing is like over-complimenting. You do it because you think it makes you appear friendly and caring, but people sense your insincerity and lose respect for you.

So, if you want to apologize for hurting someone’s feelings, try these phrases instead.

1) “I see now that I made a mistake”

Many people simply say sorry to get themselves off the hook, but in most cases, they don’t even see what they did wrong.

So, if you want to show that you understand your error, say, “I see now that I made a mistake” instead.

The phrase shows remorse as it suggests you’ve thought about your actions. 

It also shows that you can see things from the other person’s perspective and understand why they reacted the way they did.

I recommend pairing this phrase with the following one…

2) “I will try to be more considerate of your feelings going forward”

Rather than saying sorry, committing to doing better in the future is a better way to take responsibility for your actions. 

Saying something like “I will try to be more considerate of your feelings going forward” not only shows that you acknowledge your mistake. It also indicates that you are serious about becoming a better person.

And if you want to really make amends, add an active apology like this one…

3) “What can I do to make things right?”

Often, we feel like we must explain the reasoning behind our actions, trying to justify why we did what we did. 

But usually, we end up digging ourselves an even deeper hole.

So, to repair the damage you’ve caused more effectively, simply ask how you can do so. 

Asking how to make things right is the ultimate way to show that you accept full responsibility for your actions. 

Sure, they still might not forgive you immediately, but your proactiveness will be a significant step towards mending the relationship. 

Final thoughts

As an over-apologizer myself, I know how difficult it is to break free from the unconscious “I’m sorry” response.

But when you introduce these phrases into your interactions, you’ll notice a massive difference in how others respond to you. This new awareness will help you swiftly quit that bad over-apologizing habit and dramatically improve your communication skills!