There’s often a big gap between appearances and reality, especially when it comes to people’s personalities.

I’m sure you’ve met them: individuals who seem incredibly sweet and kind on the surface, but underneath, there’s a layer of selfishness that can catch you off guard.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all about embracing our human complexity. We all have our flaws and that’s perfectly okay. But it’s also important to spot these behavior patterns so we can navigate our relationships more effectively.

In my years of studying mindfulness and Buddhism, I’ve come across 8 common behaviors people who are covertly selfish often display. This isn’t about judging others, but about understanding them better.

So let’s dive in. I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit, and here are the 8 behaviors that usually indicate someone might be sweet on the surface but selfish underneath.

1) Always playing the victim

We’ve all encountered those people who, no matter what, always seem to be the victim. They have a knack for turning any situation around so that they’re the one suffering, even when it’s clear that’s not the case.

This behavior can be quite disorienting and confusing. After all, they’re so kind and sweet on the surface, how could they possibly be at fault?

But here’s what I’ve learned in my mindfulness and Buddhism studies: this is often a manifestation of hidden selfishness. A covert way to always put their needs, feelings and well-being above others.

It’s a form of emotional manipulation where they use their ‘victim status’ to avoid taking responsibility or to gain sympathy and attention. It’s a way to subtly prioritize themselves while appearing kind and considerate.

2) Lack of genuine empathy

In my journey exploring mindfulness and human relationships, I’ve noticed a common trait among people who are outwardly sweet but inwardly selfish: a lack of genuine empathy. They might show concern or sympathy, but it often feels superficial or forced.

Empathy is about truly understanding and sharing someone else’s feelings. It’s about putting ourselves in their shoes and showing genuine compassion.

But those who are secretly selfish often struggle with this.

They can be quite good at mimicking empathetic behavior – comforting words, sympathetic nods – but when you delve deeper, you realize it’s more about maintaining their ‘kind’ image rather than truly caring for your feelings.

So next time someone’s empathy feels a bit off, trust your instincts.

3) They hold grudges

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: people who are outwardly sweet but inwardly selfish often hold onto grudges. They can carry an offense around for years, nursing it quietly while maintaining a pleasant facade.

This behavior is a stark contrast to the teachings of Buddhism, which emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and letting go. Holding onto resentment is like carrying around a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you’re the one who gets burned.

Such individuals might smile and act as if everything is fine, but beneath the surface, they’re holding onto past slights and wrongs. It’s a way of keeping score, and it’s deeply ingrained in their self-centered mindset.

The Buddha once said: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It’s a powerful reminder that forgiveness isn’t about the other person; it’s about our own peace of mind.

So, if you notice this pattern in someone, understand that it’s a reflection of their inner struggles, not your actions. And remember, we all have the choice to let go and live in peace.

4) They’re rarely fully present

Mindfulness teaches us the importance of being present in the moment, of truly living and experiencing each second. But folks who are outwardly kind and inwardly selfish often struggle with this concept.

You’ll notice that they’re rarely fully present in conversations or interactions. Their attention is often divided, their responses half-hearted. It’s as if they’re always waiting for something better to come along.

This behavior is a clear sign of inward selfishness. They’re more focused on their needs, their interests, their future plans, than they are on the person right in front of them.

5) They prioritize their needs

In my experiences and observations, I’ve noticed a pattern among individuals who are outwardly kind but inwardly selfish: they have a tendency to prioritize their needs and wants above everything else.

They may seem accommodating and considerate on the outside, but if you pay attention, you’ll notice that their actions often serve their interests first.

This isn’t about demonizing self-care or prioritizing one’s well-being. It’s about recognizing when ‘self-care’ becomes ‘self-centered’. It’s the thin line between taking care of oneself and disregarding others’ feelings and needs.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I delve deeper into understanding this subtle yet crucial difference, drawing from timeless Buddhist wisdom. It’s a helpful resource if you’re seeking to navigate such complexities in your relationships.

Remember, a genuine act of kindness should not come with strings attached or hidden agendas. It’s about giving without expecting anything in return. That’s the beauty of true compassion.

6) They’re masters of subtle manipulation

This is a tough one to swallow, but it’s crucial to acknowledge: people who are outwardly sweet but inwardly selfish often excel at subtle manipulation.

They have a way of making everything about them, even when it isn’t. They twist words and situations to suit their narrative, all while maintaining a facade of innocence and kindness.

This behavior is a far cry from the teachings of both Buddhism and Mindfulness. These practices encourage us to be authentic and honest, to speak the truth even when it’s uncomfortable, and to respect the truths of others.

So if you notice this pattern in someone, know that it’s not your responsibility to unveil their manipulations. Your job is to remain true to your values, to practice honesty and authenticity. The truth always finds its way out.

7) They struggle with genuine gratitude

Another behavior I’ve noticed in people who are outwardly kind but inwardly selfish is their struggle with genuine gratitude. They might say ‘thank you’ out of courtesy, but real appreciation — that deep, heartfelt gratitude — seems to be missing.

Gratitude is about recognizing the good in our lives and acknowledging the efforts of others. But those who are secretly selfish often take things for granted or believe they’re entitled to them.

So if someone struggles to express genuine gratitude, it’s a telltale sign of underlying selfishness.

8) They avoid self-reflection

Here’s something that might surprise you: people who are outwardly sweet but inwardly selfish often shy away from self-reflection. You’d think, with their focus on self, they’d be open to introspection.

But that’s often not the case.

Self-reflection requires honesty and courage to look within, acknowledge our flaws, and work towards improving ourselves. But those who are secretly selfish often avoid this process. They prefer to maintain their perfect image rather than confront their imperfections.

This is a stark contrast to the practice of mindfulness, which encourages us to observe our thoughts and emotions without judgment, promoting self-awareness and personal growth.

So if someone constantly avoids self-reflection, it might be a sign of underlying selfishness. 

Summing up

Navigating the complexities of human behavior isn’t always easy.

But by understanding these behaviors, we can become more aware, not just of others, but also ourselves. After all, we all have our moments of selfishness and it’s through recognizing and acknowledging them that we can grow.

Remember, this isn’t about judging or blaming others. It’s about fostering understanding and empathy, and learning to navigate our relationships more effectively.

If you’re interested in delving deeper into these concepts, check out my book “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“. It offers insights into understanding human behavior through the lens of Buddhism and can be a valuable guide in your journey towards mindfulness.

In the end, our aim should always be to strive for genuine kindness, empathy, and compassion – not just on the surface, but deep within us. ‘

It’s a journey that takes effort and patience, but it’s absolutely worth it.