Choosing your words wisely in a relationship can mean the difference between make or break.

Because according to psychology some words and phrases wound more than others.

We can be guilty of being rash in what we say to one another. But as author and activist Maya Angelou reminds us, words have power.

“Words are things, I’m convinced. I think they get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper, they get in your rugs and your upholstery and your clothes. And, finally, into you.”

Often it’s those we feel closest to that can press our buttons the most. But for the sake of your relationship, psychology recommends avoiding the following words at all costs.

1) “If that’s how you feel, maybe we should break up”

Psychologists are clear on this:

Don’t say it unless you 100% mean it.

When tempers are frayed and emotions run high, some people resort to empty threats.

They may want to provoke a reaction. They may say it simply to hurt their partner.

But it’s not so easily taken back.

You may think that as long as you don’t go through with it, there’s no real harm done.

But psychologists say that threats like this do lasting damage for several reasons.

• You lose credibility
• Your partner calls your bluff
• You escalate the argument
• You prompt your partner to make their own threats
• You damage trust
• You trigger past trauma
• You distract from fixing the real issue

Clinical psychologist Randi Gunther says couples usually break apart under the weight of these empty yet toxic words.

“Of all of the negative patterns that couples demonstrate, one of the most destructive is the use of wipe-out, empty threats that are meant in the heated moment but are never carried out…they are meant to intimidate the other partner into compliance by fear of loss. Like the boy who cried wolf, these empty threats, often repeated, take on a life of their own over time.”

2) “You always…” or “You never…”

A lot of us let these sorts of words slip into our everyday vocabulary without even noticing.

But therapists still routinely advise us against it.

Why?

The psychology of words like never and always is that they over-generalize and are hyperbolic.

So they suggest a pattern that paints someone out to constantly be the bad guy.

“You never consider my feelings”

“You always have to get your own way”

Whilst it’s usually intended as a way of voicing our frustration or disappointment, this sort of black-and-white language ends up escalating conflict.

It’s more likely to make someone feel defensive or guilt-ridden, which may lead them to withdraw. 

Counsellor Jeff Hay says we need to express our hurt feelings in more constructive ways.

“Gottman research stats tell the story: 96% of the time, if the conversation begins with a harsh startup, “You/attacking” language” it will inevitably end on a negative note/disconnection. Start positive and non-attacking, “I Feel”, then the outcome will be positive. “Always” and “Never” derail potentially connecting conversations and transform them into igniting the dance of attack/defend.”

3) “I’m fine”

This phrase is only problematic when you use it to hide behind.

Aka, when things are most certainly not fine.

I’ve been guilty of resorting to this on more occasions than I’d like to admit.

Sometimes it was a way of trying to dodge an uncomfortable conversation or uncomfortable feelings you don’t want to have.

Other times we lack the emotional tools to express ourselves in clear and healthy ways.

But rather than avoid conflict, it merely pushes it below the surface.

It’s a passive-aggressive technique because the other person senses something is wrong, and feels punished for it. Yet they don’t get an opportunity to talk things through with you.

That’s why psychotherapist Sharon Martin says it’s important to stop saying you’re fine and start speaking your truth.

“If you’ve been denying your feelings and problems for years, it’s not easy to start digging into the messy stuff beneath the surface. But if were going to truly feel better and create more authentic and satisfying relationships, we have to acknowledge that we’re not fine, that we are struggling, hurt, afraid, or angry, and that we have unmet needs.”

4) “I’m sorry you feel that way”

Personally, I find this phrase instantly infuriating.

Partly because it masquerades as an apology, but it’s far from one.

When you say you’re sorry someone feels a certain way, you’re not taking any responsibility.

Instead, you’re subtly shifting the blame back onto them and the way they feel, rather than anything you may have done to upset them.

Psychology has a name for this sort of thing:

Gaslighting.

Researcher Vernita Perkins and Professor of Psychology Leonard A. Jason argue that these so-called “non-apologies” do far more harm than good.

“The premise behind them is to deflect, pretend to apologize, and ultimately win the disagreement merely by placing blame back on the individual or group making the initial concern. This thinking and behavior not only dismisses the concern, but it attempts to invalidate it and terminate any further discussion.”

5) “You’re overreacting”

Telling someone that they’re “overreacting” or that they are “too sensitive” is a way of invalidating their feelings.

The reality is that we’re all emotional, it goes with the territory of being human.

What triggers you will likely be different from what triggers someone else, but that doesn’t make them wrong.

Comedian and actor Louis C.K. once insightfully pointed out that:

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t”.

Psychology says that empathy and compassion are things we should strive for in all our relationships, and phrases like this crush that. 

6) “I hate you”

Chances are, you don’t hate them at all.

In fact, the funny thing is, these words are more often than not spoken to people who you love the most.

But the intensity of those feelings turns into frustration in the heat of the moment, and anger spills out.

Or as personal development, writer Lynn R. Davis put it:

“Anger is a natural defense against pain. So when someone says “I hate you” it really means “you hurt me.”

But nevertheless, saying extreme things in an argument erodes trust and damages intimacy.

Instead, it’s better to say you need some space to cool off or want some time alone.

Experts say it’s natural for tensions to rise in a relationship and to avoid outbursts it’s a good idea to take a timeout.

7) “Whatever”

Words like “whatever” may at first sound like appeasement or agreement, but they’re not.

It’s simultaneously dismissive and defeatist.

It says to your partner, “I disagree, but I can’t even be bothered to discuss it.

That’s what makes it passive-aggressive.

Many people instinctively recognize this when someone says it to them, which is why it can feel disrespectful.

Even when it’s said to avoid getting into an argument it’s still damaging.

Stifling how you really feel is never healthy, which is why it usually doesn’t end well.

Psychology says we have to be able to express needs and wants in a relationship to be happy.

Any attempt to hide our feelings for an easy life is bound to backfire eventually, as it has a habit of seeping out in toxic ways.

8) “I think you need help”

This phrase is the same as telling someone “You’re being crazy” or “It’s all in your head”.

Rather than a genuine concern for the other person’s mental health, it’s designed as an insult to invalidate the other person and what they are experiencing.

It’s said to imply they are so wrong about something that you question their very sanity.

It’s a common tactic used by manipulators and narcissists trying to undermine their victims by questioning their perception of reality. 

But the truth is it also gets used by couples all across the world who are struggling to see each other’s side of things.

The words we use in a relationship should try to bridge gaps, but this only makes the distance between two people widen. 

As does the final phrase on our list.

9) “Shut up!”

We all know that communication is everything in a relationship.

Nothing shuts that down quite like telling someone to shut up.

For starters, it’s insulting, rude, and pretty humiliating to be told to keep your mouth shut.

But beyond that, it also sends a deeper message that their words are not valuable to you.

Psychology tells us that active listening helps people feel more understood and strengthens relationships.

It’s about giving someone our full attention and staying present so they know we care about their thoughts and feelings.

That also goes for the times when we may not like whatever it is that they have to say.

Use your words to build, not destroy

I’m pretty sure we’ve all said things we don’t mean.

Whilst we can’t turn back time, we can seek to do better in the future.

Creating greater self-awareness can help us to regulate our emotions and become more mindful of the language we use.

We have the power to enchant others with our words.

But if we’re not careful, on occasion, we can also destroy entire relationships through just a few moments of thoughtlessness.