Did you know that poor communication is the no.1 reason why relationships fail?

Managing conversations in relationships can be tricky. Even when we aim to be supportive and understanding, sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that end up being more hurtful than helpful. It can be tough to know what you should and shouldn’t say.

However, according to experts in psychology, there are specific words and phrases we’re better off totally avoiding in conversations with our partners. These phrases can unintentionally damage our connection and communication. 

Today, we’re going to dive into some of these phrases to shed light on the things we might be saying without realizing their impact. By steering clear of these no-nos, you’re taking a big step towards better communication and, in turn, a stronger, healthier relationship. 

How many of these phrases are you guilty of? 

1) “If you loved me, you would..”

Have you ever had someone say, “If you really loved me, you would…”? It hits you right in the heart, doesn’t it? 

But here’s the thing: it’s actually a pretty big red flag. This phrase is more than just an emotional plea; it’s emotional manipulation and it’s something that experts take very seriously because it’s a form of emotional abuse. 

“Emotional manipulation can have a major impact on your relationships. It can damage trust, cause resentment, and affect your mental health and well-being.” notes clinical psychologist  Lori Lawrenz, PsyD and health writer Hope Gillette. 

Saying ‘if you loved me, you would” can feel like a guilt trip, almost pressuring you to prove how much you care. It can stir up doubt and resentment, which isn’t what love’s about. Love should be all about mutual respect and understanding, not about meeting certain conditions.

It’s best to steer clear of this phrase altogether because, everyone deserves a relationship where love flows freely, not one where it’s used as leverage. Shifting from testing love to openly expressing your needs fosters a deeper, more genuine connection.

2) “Just calm down”

Oh, the classic “Just calm down!” This one hits home for me big time. I’ve heard it from my partner on a few occasions and I’m also guilty of saying it myself. 

But think about it: has being told to calm down ever actually made you calmer? Yeah, didn’t think so. In fact, it often does the exact opposite.

Invalidating your partner’s feelings by using a phrase like this is not only damaging to the relationship itself but also to your partner specifically. 

Licensced counselor, Paige Santmyer MA, LPC, NCC, CCATP explains “Invalidation often leads to emotional distancing, conflict, and disruption in relationships, as well as feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, confusion, and inferiority in the affected individual.”

Experts agree that a better approach is to try validating your partner’s feelings by saying something simple like “I see you’re really upset, what’s going on for you?” This opens the door for a genuine conversation and helps you guys to find a resolution together. 

This goes beyond just smoothing things over in the heat of the moment; it’s about improving the way you communicate with your partner. And let’s face it, improved communication is a game-changer we could all benefit from in our relationships.

3) “You’re overreacting”

Have you ever been in the middle of a disagreement with your partner and without thinking you say, “You’re overreacting!”. It feels like just calling it as you see it, right? 

But here’s the twist: this little phrase packs a heavier punch than you might think. You might not realize it but it’s a form of gaslighting, which is basically a sneaky way of making someone doubt their own feelings, thoughts, or sanity. 

Using the phrase “You’re overreacting” is like saying, “Your feelings aren’t warranted or valid” And let’s be real, even if you’re convinced your partner’s reaction is a bit much, their feelings are always real and valid. 

Instead of telling them they’re overdoing it, try to be more understanding. It can be as simple as saying, “Wow, I see this really hurts you. Help me understand why.” This way, you’re not brushing their feelings under the rug; you’re giving them space and showing you care.

In a nutshell: this phrase is a big no-no in a relationship. Swapping it out for a more understanding approach can make all the difference. It turns a potentially divisive moment into an opportunity for closeness and understanding. That’s a win-win, right? 

4) “You always/you never”

Picture this: you’re in the middle of a spat and you say, “You always leave your dishes in the sink!” or “You never think about how I feel.” Sound familiar? 

Psychologists tell us that when we throw around “always” and “never,” we’re essentially putting our partner in a corner. As outlined by Leon F. Seltzer, author and clinical psychologist;

“Couples are routinely advised by therapists to avoid addressing their partner with the incendiary words “always” and “never.” They stress that such absolutes are hyperbolic and over-generalized and invariably put the receiver on the defensive.”

And you know what? It’s kind of unfair, too. Using “always” and “never” is like saying your partner never gets it right, which is hardly ever the case. Using absolute statements like this can lead to some serious bitterness down the line and should be avoided at all costs. 

So, what’s the workaround? It’s all about getting specific. Instead of lumping everything into “always” or “never,” try laying out exactly what’s bugging you and how it makes you feel. 

By ditching the absolutes, you’re not just dodging a fight; you’re actually creating the chance for real understanding. It’s about turning a moment of blame into a chance for both of you to step up and make things better.

5) “You’re crazy”

It’s become a cliché for guys to label girls as “crazy” during disagreements, right? But it’s simply not cool. In fact, using “crazy” to describe anyone in a conflict is completely inappropriate.

When someone calls their partner “crazy,” there’s a lot at play. Firstly, it often involves projection, where they’re really just shifting their own issues onto their partner to deflect attention away from them. 

It can also be a way to dodge responsibility for any problems in the relationship. Plus, using a term like “crazy” is pretty dismissive, it oversimplifies things and unfairly labels someone without tackling the real issue. It’s easy to see why you should steer clear of this one.

Instead, try navigating disagreements with a little empathy and a lot of respect. That’s the secret ingredient to a solid relationship. It’s all about laying down a foundation of trust and understanding, making sure both of you feel seen and valued.

6) “Everything is fine” 

Ok, I’ll put my hands up and admit it, I’m seriously guilty of this one. 

You know when your partner is getting on your last nerve, and you just don’t feel like getting into it, so you say, “Everything’s fine”? Yeah, been there, done that. But apparently, this isn’t the way to go.

Turns out: using “Everything’s fine” as a go-to can be pretty passive-aggressive. You’re not fooling anyone claiming everything is fine and you’re not really addressing the issue either.

It shuts down open conversations, so both you and your partner end up feeling a bit uneasy.

And here’s the kicker: when you dodge the real talk, you’re also dodging any chance of actually fixing what’s wrong. You can ignore it for a while, but if it’s not dealt with, it’s only going to get more irritating over time.

It’s definitely tempting to brush things off and pretend everything is fine, but in the long run honesty is the best policy. Choosing to open up, even when you don’t want to, is the kind of vulnerability that helps your relationship go from strength to strength. 

The bottom line

The key message is simple: good communication is vital in relationships and the phrases we’ve gone over today hinder it, making it even more difficult to have meaningful conversations.

By ditching these no-go phrases and opting for more open, honest dialogue, you’re not just dodging misunderstandings; you’re building stronger, more connected partnerships. 

That’s probably something we’re all striving for, right?