Self-compassion is the ability to be kind and understanding to oneself.

Something that I’ve realized not a lot of women have these days.

Most of the women I know—myself included—don’t know how to relax and treat themselves like they would their loved ones.

They’re nice to everyone, yet extremely hard on themselves.

And trust me… I’ve seen this everywhere.

Want to know if the woman in your life is struggling with self-compassion?

Pay attention and watch out for these 9 behaviors.

1) They set unrealistic goals

While it’s good to dream big, women with no self-compassion set the grandest of goals for themselves—and they want to achieve them ASAP.

That’s why they’d sacrifice rest, even if they haven’t slept for days.

That’s why they punish coming up short by giving themselves more items on their to-do lists.

That’s why they give up quality time with friends and family just to work harder and faster. In their mind, they don’t deserve it—at least, not yet.

And if they don’t achieve their goals (which was an impossible feat to begin with), they’d beat themselves up for it.

They tend to think that it’s ENTIRELY their fault that they haven’t achieved anything… when in fact, they’ve achieved a lot! 

No one is harder on themselves and more blind to their own success than a woman with no self-compassion. 

2) They say the harshest things 

And not just to themselves, but to others, too!

You can hear them say “I’m so stupid!” or “Can’t you use your head for once?!” 

They have an overly critical nature, and they unintentionally bring others down. And when they get called out for it, they’d say “But I was just trying to help.” 

To them, this isn’t just an excuse, though. That’s because being harsh is the only way they know how to push themselves and others. 

So, they think everyone can take their “constructive criticism” because they’re used to hearing those things in their own head.

The harshest people are often those who are extra hard on themselves.

3) They take the blame…for everything!

If something goes wrong, they’re always the first to go, “I should have done better” or “Gah! It’s my fault!”

And they really mean it, too.

There’s a high chance that a woman with no self-compassion grew up in a household with a lot of pressure and criticism. So, their instant reaction to any problem is fear and self-blame.

This is especially apparent in women and their personal relationships. 

A lot of us, even from a young age, were expected to do more of the emotional labor just because we’re women. 

So, when her relationship falls apart because her partner had no accountability and he treated her like absolute sh*t, somehow she’d still think she’s at fault. 

4) They compare themselves to others

If their colleague, Ellen, is great at making presentations, they’d probably tell themselves “Grr. You should really be more like Ellen!”

And not only that, they’d start getting quietly competitive, too.

Of course, since they’re focusing on their weaknesses, they’d make some improvement… but they’d never be better than their unaware opponent, of course (not instantly, anyway).

And so, they’d berate themselves even more, with a litany of criticisms they’ve probably told themselves a million times: “You’re such a loser!” or “This is why you’re going nowhere!”

The truth is, they’ll always find something lacking in themselves. So, it’s a battle they can’t win. 

5) They hate themselves for “making excuses”

It’s probably their upbringing, or maybe they’ve been told to “go big or go home” or some other cliché motivational adage too many times.

They all tell us that women should stop making “excuses” if they want to be successful.

I mean… if Yahoo! CEO Marisa Meyer went back to full-time work two weeks after giving birth, why can’t we just submit our paper on time, right?

But in this complicated world that we live in, there are actually a lot of “excuses” that are extremely valid.

It’s healthy (even smart) to prioritize one’s well-being— physical, mental, and emotional. And it’s not just “making an excuse” when someone wants to take time for that.

Unfortunately, we’re sooo hard on ourselves—especially women who believe they have a lot to prove.

6) They put other women on a pedestal

They look up to certain women—idolize them, sing praises for them—while they look down on themselves (and everyone else who aren’t as “accomplished”).

If it wasn’t socially frowned upon, you can be sure that they’d kiss the ground that their idols walked on.

They’d say things like “Now that’s a power woman!” or “Someday, I’m gonna be just like her.”

It’s as if they can’t respect others (and themselves) if they remain “ordinary”… and so they’d work their asses off just to become like the women that they admire.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with admiring another person. 

But it becomes problematic when it leads to belittling others and themselves for not being exactly like the people they idolize. 

7) They put themselves last

They believe they have a role to play in other people’s lives—that they have to be their most loving partner, their best friend, their sweetest child.

Because they’re used to not being their own first priority, they’re driven to care less and less about their own needs, to the point that they have no self-compassion.

That’s why if they screw up, they can’t tell themselves “It’s alright. You didn’t want that to happen, did you?”

Instead, they admonish themselves and say “Look what you’ve done! You’re hurting your partner/ friend/ mother!” 

All they can see are their mistakes and flaws because they think it affects others greatly.

8) They’re ashamed for not being the best

No one really expected them to win an award or get a promotion, and yet—they feel extremely ashamed for not getting them!

And boy, do they take their “losses” personally! 

It’s something that hits them real deep. 

They’d run away and hide from everyone, until they’ve recovered from their own shame. Even when no one else cares. 

And even when time’s passed, they’d still feel awful every time they’re reminded that they’re not the best at things.

9) They don’t defend themselves

When someone accuses them for not trying their best—for being “lazy”, or “irresponsible”, or “stupid”—they won’t defend themselves.

They’d just take it all in.

Why?

Because deep down, that’s how they really feel!

Nevermind that they stayed up late for two weeks straight to finish a report.

Nevermind that it’s not really their fault that the file wasn’t recognized.

None of those things matter to them, because for them it’s simple: If they only did their best, then things would have worked out. 

The fact that it didn’t means they simply didn’t work hard enough.

Whatever it is you attack them with, in some part of their mind, they believe they deserve it. So they never ever fight back. 

10) They belittle their achievements

Tell them they’re good at painting and they would think you’re just being fake nice.

Congratulate them for throwing a fun party and they’d go “Pffft! It’s nothing!”

Somehow, they don’t see the good stuff that they’ve done because they’re always thinking they could have done better.

It’s sad, really. 

They may become the most successful woman in the world, yet if they always think they could have done better, they’ll never be able to appreciate themselves.

They’d die not knowing how wonderful they are because of their lack of self-compassion, self-admiration, and self-love. 

Final thoughts:

According to psychology, this lack of self-compassion usually originates from stressful or traumatic moments in one’s life. 

Even moments that have happened in the distant past can stay with us and have an impact on our day to day. 

Therefore it’s crucial that we identify these moments, especially if they’ve created habits of negative self talk and self-destructive actions. 

Change starts with acknowledgement, and you can probably achieve it with the help of a therapist.

From knowing the problem, you can start to practice self-compassion by catching yourself when you’re beating yourself up. Or by starting a gratitude journal so you can look at the positive things in your life, for a change.

If you’re helping someone be more compassionate with themselves, then be extra patient and compassionate towards them. 

Remind them that you’re there to support them, celebrate them, and provide the kindness that they lack for themselves.