In the world of dating, there’s a big difference between having high standards and being stuck in “unrealistically high standards” mode. The former keeps you from settling; the latter might just keep you single forever. 

We all want a partner who checks our boxes, but if your list is starting to look like a shopping receipt, it might be time for a reality check. 

After all, nobody’s perfect — not even you (gasp!). 

The tricky part? Many women don’t even realize when their standards cross the line from “high” to “impossible.” 

So, how do you know if you’re doing it? Let’s break down some common behaviors that signal it’s time to rethink that checklist.

1) Perfection is key

The quest for the perfect partner is a common symptom of unrealistically high standards in relationships.

Many women with such standards have an unwavering image of their ideal partner. This image often includes everything from physical attributes to career success, and even specific personality traits.

It’s almost like they’re shopping for a designer handbag with a checklist of must-haves rather than seeking a human connection. They seek someone who ticks all the boxes on their list, ignoring the fact that no one can truly fit this idealized image.

This perfectionist approach can lead to dismissals of potentially good partners because they don’t meet every single criterion.

Recognizing this behavior is the first step to adjusting these unrealistic expectations. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and it’s about finding someone whose strengths complement your weaknesses, and vice versa.

2) Dismissing potential partners too quickly

I can personally recall a time when I was guilty of this behavior.

I had met a guy who was kind, funny, and successful in his career – he seemed to have a lot going for him. However, he didn’t play any instruments, something that was on my checklist at the time.

Instead of giving him a chance and getting to know him better, I found myself dismissing him too quickly based solely on this insignificant detail. Looking back, I realize it was an unfair expectation to have.

Similarly, many  women may often overlook great potential partners due to minor details that don’t align with their idealized image of a partner. By doing so, they might be missing out on someone truly compatible.

It’s crucial to understand that everyone is unique and brings different qualities to the table. After all, the beauty of relationships lies in their diversity and the opportunity they provide for growth and learning.

3) Reluctance to compromise

Compromise is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. However, these women often have a hard time settling for anything less than their ideal.

In a relationship, it’s essential to understand and accept that your partner will have different opinions, tastes, and preferences. This doesn’t mean that they are wrong or inadequate; it simply means they are different.

Sometimes, this stubbornness even extends to minor things. 

For instance, imagining spending Sunday mornings reading in a quiet café, but your partner prefers active outdoor activities.

Instead of finding a middle ground or taking turns, the immediate reaction might be to think: “This isn’t going to work.”

Compromise isn’t about winning or losing; it’s about finding a balance that makes both parties happy. And sometimes, stepping out of your comfort zone might even lead to discovering new interests and shared hobbies.

4) Lack of mindfulness

Mindfulness is all about living in the present moment, being aware of our thoughts and feelings without getting swept up in them, and accepting things as they are without judgment. It’s a quality that can greatly enhance our relationships.

However, these women often struggle with mindfulness. They are so focused on finding a partner who matches their ideal that they forget to appreciate and enjoy the journey of dating itself.

They miss out on the joy of getting to know someone new, focusing instead on how each date measures up to their checklist.

In my book, “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment”, I delve deeper into practical ways to cultivate mindfulness in daily life. One chapter specifically talks about how mindfulness can transform your approach to dating and relationships.

By practicing mindfulness, you can learn to be present during each date and genuinely engage with the person in front of you. You get to appreciate them for who they are, rather than how well they fit into your idealized image of a partner. 

This not only leads to more satisfying relationships but also a more fulfilling dating experience.

5) Overemphasis on instant chemistry

While many movies and novels would have us believe that powerful, immediate connections are a sign of a destined relationship, this isn’t always the case in real life.

They often expect instant chemistry on the first date. If sparks aren’t flying right off the bat, they might quickly write off a potential partner without giving it a second thought.

However, this expectation can be misleading. True, deep connections often take time to develop. Some of the most successful relationships start off slow, building intimacy and trust over time.

In fact, expecting immediate chemistry can lead to overlooking potential partners who may be a little shy or reserved initially. It’s important to take note that not everyone opens up right away, and that doesn’t make them any less of a potential match.

So next time you’re on a date and don’t feel that immediate “spark”, consider giving it another chance. You might be surprised at what develops over time.

6) Constant comparison with others

In this age of social media, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life and relationships with those of others.

These women often compare their potential partners to others, whether it’s an ex, a friend’s partner, or even a celebrity.

This constant comparison can lead to dissatisfaction and disappointment as they’re always looking for someone better. It becomes a never-ending cycle as there will always be someone “better” out there.

However, everyone is unique, and so are their relationships. What works for one couple might not work for another. Instead of comparing, focus on finding someone who complements you and makes you happy.

Moreover, social media often portrays only the best aspects of people’s lives and relationships, leaving out the struggles and challenges. 

So, comparing your real life to someone else’s highlight reel can lead to unrealistic expectations in your own relationships.

Learning to appreciate your potential partner for who they are, without comparing them to others, is key to finding a fulfilling relationship.

7) Overlooking personal growth

When I look back on my own dating history, I realize that I often focused too much on finding the ‘perfect’ partner and overlooked the importance of my personal growth.

Women with unrealistically high standards may often be so engrossed in their search for the ideal partner that they forget to consider their own personal development.

It’s easy to forget that relationships are not just about finding the perfect partner; they are also about growing and evolving as individuals.

Focusing too much on your partner’s qualities can overshadow the need to work on your own qualities, values, and life goals. A relationship involves two individuals, each with their own strengths and areas for improvement.

Instead of solely focusing on finding a partner who meets all your high standards, use some of that energy towards personal growth and self-improvement. This will not only make you more content with yourself but also make you more attractive to potential partners.

8) Unrealistic expectations of change

Many times, they enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet all their criteria, expecting that they can change them over time to fit their ideal image.

However, expecting someone to change their fundamental traits and habits for you is not only unfair but also unrealistic.

People change and grow, but it’s a personal journey and cannot be forced or dictated by someone else.

Additionally, this expectation can lead to frustration and disappointment when the desired changes do not occur.

Relationships should be based on acceptance, respect, and love for who the person truly is, not who you want them to be.

Instead of trying to change your partner to meet your expectations, focus on understanding and accepting them for who they are.

9) Lack of self-awareness

Perhaps the most crucial behavior to recognize is a lack of self-awareness. They often don’t realize that their expectations are indeed unrealistic.

Self-awareness is key in understanding your own needs, desires, strengths, and weaknesses. It helps you understand what you truly want from a relationship and what you can offer in return.

Without self-awareness, it’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy of an ideal partner and overlook the reality of relationships. It’s important to take a step back, reflect on your expectations, and assess whether they are realistic and fair.

Everyone is human, flaws included. Embrace these imperfections and understand that they contribute to the uniqueness of each individual. This acceptance can lead to more fulfilling and meaningful relationships.

Reflection: The key to understanding

Having high standards for a partner isn’t inherently bad. It just becomes problematic when these standards turn unrealistic, potentially hindering us from finding a fulfilling relationship.

The behaviors we’ve discussed are often subtle and may go unnoticed. From perfectionism to lack of mindfulness, they can gradually shape our dating experiences in ways we might not even realize.

In my book, “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment”, I delve into how mindfulness can help us become more aware of our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

This awareness can be a powerful tool in understanding and adjusting our standards for a life partner.

Nobody is perfect, and expecting someone else to be can only lead to disappointment.

Instead, focus on finding someone who complements you, accepts you for who you are, and brings out the best in you.

So take a moment today to reflect on your own expectations and behaviors in relationships. It could be the first step towards finding a more fulfilling and meaningful love life.