I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve never been particularly gifted at handling conflict. I mean… is anyone?

Ever since I was a kid, my sponge-like mind would take in the very worst coping strategies in fights.

It might’ve had something to do with my now-divorced mum and dad being totally incompatible, but for the longest time, I had this idea that handling fights was all about having the final word.

But everything changed when I got into my second-ever relationship.

Let me tell you—this partner was the master of keeping their calm, even when things got really, really intense. 

They possessed this incredibly rare ability to ensure everyone felt heard and valued—no drama required.

It would go a little something like this. They would listen up, try to pinpoint where people were coming from, and look for common ground where they could find it.

And the wildest thing? Most of the time, they barely needed to say a word.

Soon, I learned that with them, it wasn’t about winning the argument, rather, it was about finding a solution that worked for all parties.

Let’s get into the psychology-backed ways to show maturity and class in conflict without saying a word.

The next time you’re in a conflict, be sure to keep the following tips handy.

1) Mindfully observe both them and yourself

So, you’re arguing with a BFF. Or your sister. Or a meddling neighbor.

No matter how you swing it, you’ve got two options: dive in, headfirst, and say something you might just regret later.

Or, there’s option two: take a healthy step back and watch both your sparring partner and yourself closely.

I know it sounds wild, but experts back this approach. In fact, a 2022 study on conflict resolution in relationships identified mindfulness as being key to handling conflict maturely—no words required.

In the study, mindfulness was described as “the presence of mind” and as a state of “pure consciousness”. Ain’t that nice?

Researchers elaborated on this: “A greater tendency for mindful observation was associated with more engagement in empathy, with altruism, better identification and description of feelings.”

But in a real-world case, what will it look like? Well, it might include you asking yourself a few questions (inside your head, of course).

This can include: Why are you feeling this way? 

I also find that this one works as a treat: What’s making you both react?

Adopting this stance can be such a game-changer because when you observe your own thoughts and feelings, you in turn learn so much more about yourself. 

Plus, by staying mindful, you can divert your focus on finding solutions, which leads to compromise—something we’re going to get into a little later!

Next time you’re in a fight, try this mindful trick. It’s clever to note that observing and understanding can be stronger than words when it comes to fixing problems.

2) Maintain a non-judgmental attitude

When emotions are high, words can go flying without either of you having any control over it.

And in my personal experience, this can lead to a world of regret.

The previous study expands on the concept of mindfulness in conflict, looping in a non-judgmental approach, which “can be understood as a result of the constant focus on what is happening at the present time, which is non-judgmental.”

In doing so, you breathe and listen carefully to the other person. And you’re not doing this to fight back, but to understand them, and yourself, better.

The study expands on this, saying this attitude can incorporate “nonjudging of inner experiences” as well as a “nonreactivity to inner experiences.”

Seriously, this is how mature conflict resolution works!

3) Bring in a trusted mediator

If you don’t want to say a word during conflict—loop in someone who will.

For real, there’s no shame in inviting a trusted mediator to the party who can ensure you both calm down and progress to talking it out.

A study on conflict resolution in schools explores the concept of “peer mediators” who facilitate parties reaching agreements.

These folks were described as people who will guide parties “through a mediation process, where two conflicting sides get to state their disagreements and, with the help of a mediator, find a mutually acceptable compromise.”

Usually, a mediator will follow these steps—or some variation of them:

1: gather perspectives

2: identify interests

3: create options

4: evaluate choices

5: generate an agreement

Of course, this must all take place in a safe, neutral environment.

In following this system, a mediator is better able to ensure everyone feels safe to speak up and be heard, which is crucial for sorting things out and achieving the best result.

Plus, this wise person can be there to offer up fresh perspectives, if that’s what you two are open to!

For me, whenever I’m stuck in a disagreement, it’s easy to only see things my own way. 

But a mediator can help open my eyes to seeing other viewpoints, and allow me to see the wood for the trees, as they say.

4) Maintain assertiveness throughout the argument 

In an argument, if you want to get on a mature track, there’s no need to get wordy about it.

Sometimes, even if you want to keep the peace, the best thing you can do is not pander to the other person.

That’s right—you’ve got to be assertive. I know for certain personality types this can be as painful as pulling teeth, but in the end, adopting this stance is for the greater good.

A 2021 study in Frontiers explored assertiveness in conflict, or as they so cleverly put it: “an interpersonal communication skill that facilitates goal achievement.”

But what does it actually mean to be assertive? Well, the researchers break this down, too.

“During conflict resolution, assertiveness is characterized by the negotiator advocating his/her interests in a non-threatening, self-confident and cooperative manner,” they said.

It’s important to note in this context, that it’s not really about being overly confident or loud, it’s about standing your ground while still being respectful, calm, and kind.

Remember, you don’t always need words in order to be assertive in the face of conflict. 

Here’s one example. Imagine you’re in a major stakeholder meeting, and a man continues to interrupt you, time and time again.

Rather than getting totally flustered and being reactive (which I know is very easy to do in this kind of situation) you instead maintain eye contact with them to let them know you see what they’re doing. 

You might even like to throw in a raised eyebrow for good measure—zero judgment here.

Rising to this level shows that you can stand up for yourself without causing unnecessary drama or pain. It’s a silent yet tactical display of confidence and maturity. 

5) Be willing to compromise

You guessed it. We’ve made it to the C word. Ding ding ding—compromise!

As we all know, compromise means finding a solution that works for everyone—even if it’s not fully satisfying for all parties, it’s still better than all the chaos of a full-blown fight.

It’s like hitting pause on a big blow-up and saying, “How about we find common ground here?”

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) figures out an individual’s behavior in conflict situations and groups it into five methods, including compromising.

Researchers said: “When compromising, the objective is to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties.”

This solution can be both a classy and mature one as it shows you’re willing to understand others’ perspectives and work together.

Plus, you can do this with little to no talking. Simply presenting yourself as being open and willing to meet halfway sends the right kind of message.

So, what can some of these compromises actually look like? 

Well, the TKI model factors that in too, positing that “compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.”