“Do you still love me?”

No parent ever wants to hear this heartbreaking question from their child. 

But the reality is, it’s a question that can come up during times when we’re disciplining our little ones.

And although the question pierces through the heart of any parent, it also serves as a good reminder:

That as much as we need to be firm sometimes, it’s crucial that our children never doubt our love for them.

And this is what we’re going to dive into today. We’ll explore how to be firm when disciplining our children without hurting their feelings.

Here we go:

1) Have realistic and age-appropriate expectations

Being firm doesn’t mean being unreasonable. 

To avoid hurting our children’s feelings, the key is to have expectations that match their age and abilities.

Babies will cry, toddlers will tamper with things they shouldn’t, and teenagers will be teenagers.

Harvard experts advise that while you shouldn’t overlook or accept these behaviors, “it’s important to understand the stage your child is going through as you discipline.”

On that note, The American Psychological Association experts have this to add:

“Don’t expect your child to behave perfectly, especially if they’re genuinely scared or stressed.” 

They believe that when our kids are anxious or scared about things like vaccinations or their first school day, they may not be able to calm themselves down like they normally would. 

In these situations, they need us to step up with more support. 

By being more patient and reassuring while still guiding them, you can be firm in a way that doesn’t hurt them but instead makes them feel loved and supported.

2) Set clear rules and limits

Psychologists from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia remind us that not only should we make reasonable rules and limits according to our children’s age and maturity, but that we should also make these clear to our kids.

When we set clear rules and express them in a way that is understandable for a child, it avoids them getting confused and frustrated. 

Plus, it might also help them adhere to these better.

Take my friend’s approach, for example:

She has a ‘no gadgets at the dinner table’ rule. 

But before enforcing this, she made sure her kids understood the reason behind this limitation: It’s so they can have dedicated family time every night.

I love how her approach is firm while encouraging a respectful environment – where rules are followed out of understanding, rather than fear.

3) Have predictable and clear consequences

Your clarity should also extend to your consequences.

Experts believe it is helpful to give our kids a heads-up when it comes to the consequences. They also encourage us to set consequences that are fair and directly related to the behavior. 

For example, my godson knows that if he forgets to put his toys the night before, he won’t be allowed to play with toys the next day.

The way I see it, his parents’ methods teach him two things:

• Accountability in a non-threatening way (thanks to the predictability of the consequences), and
• That discipline should be fair and not done out of anger.

At the end of the day, it’s all about fairness and learning to take responsibility. 

If they get that now over something small like toys, they’re set for the bigger stuff later in their adult lives. 

4) Be consistent in your consequences

Another input when it comes to consequences comes from psychologist, Dr Amy Nasran. She emphasizes that we should be as consistent with our rules as we are clear about them.

She makes a great point by saying although it can be tempting for us as parents to sometimes bend our own rules to avoid upsetting our kids, having too many exceptions can actually make their learning harder in the long run.

Believe me when I say I learned this lesson the hard way.

Just over the weekend my daughter refused to do something. She seemed very confident and unafraid of the consequences.

It stumped me for a while until she said, “I know you’re going to change your mind anyway, you always do”.

That moment, I learned that consistency not only teaches responsibility, but also strengthens the trusting relationship we have with our kids.

Think about it:

Applying the same consequences to the same misbehaviours shows that our discipline is based on love and fairness, not on fluctuating standards and whims or moods.

5) Mean what you say, but do so without shouting

While we’re on a roll with consequences, let’s reflect on another piece of advice from the American Psychological Association:

“Parents should mean what they say and say it without shouting at the child. Verbal abuse is no less damaging than physical punishment.”

If adults don’t like being shouted at, what makes us think our children will feel any different?

Misconception: Raising our voice adds a level of firmness to what we’re trying to say.

The reality: Shouting can actually cause fear or resentment, which might lead to worse misbehaviors – like lying or being secretive.

By speaking firmly but kindly, we communicate discipline while preserving our kids dignity and in doing so, preserving their self-esteem and our relationship with them.

6) Use a neutral tone

Instead of shouting, Dr. Nasran advises us to use a neutral tone and volume to make it easier for our kids to understand and be receptive to what we’re saying.

The tone of voice can significantly impact how our little ones perceive our discipline. 

When we use a calm and neutral tone while we’re correcting them, it avoids making our child feel belittled or threatened.

This means they’ll learn from their mistakes free of fear or shame. 

Jane Nelson said it best:

“Children do better when they feel better, not when they feel worse. When we speak to them calmly, we teach them that problems can be solved with words, not raised voices.”

7) Spare the rod

I belong to the generation where no rods were spared when we were disciplined. It worked for us then, but it’s not something I’d do to my kids now.

And it looks like Yale Professor of Psychology and Child Psychiatry Dr. Alan Kazdin supports this.

On one of his podcasts, he talks about how spanking may change the child’s behavior now, tricking parents into believing it works. But he says that science has proven otherwise.

He talks about scientific evidence linking spanking to kids having greater risks for academic dysfunction along with mental and physical health problems.

In short, physical punishment does more harm than good in today’s world.

So really it’s not about ‘sparing the rod and spoiling the child.’

It’s all about loving them up and not beating them down. 

8) Model the behavior you want

Speaking of quotes that have lost their truth, Dr Kazdin labels the old saying “Do as I say, not as I do” as ridiculous.

He says it’s the other way around:

Kids learn by modeling what their parents do, not what they say.

I know it’s easier said than done, but like anything else in our parenting journey, it takes a lot of practice and heaps of patience.

It’s hard, but keep at it.

The day you see your child use the positive behaviors you’ve worked hard to show them, will be the day you’ll understand it was all worth it.

9) Adopt a calm, firm, and non-controlling mindset

I personally think this is the most crucial aspect of being firm without being hurtful.

The calm, firm, and non-controlling approach was developed by parent coach and psychologist Dr Jeffrey Bernstein. 

Let’s look at an example of its application:

Emma resists doing her homework, throwing her books on the sofa. 

Her father, Tom, gently says, “Emma, I won’t force you to do your homework but remember, it’s your responsibility to complete it. Not doing it isn’t going to help you with your tests.” 

Later, Emma starts her homework on her own, understanding the implications of her choices.

See what happened there?

Tom was firm in his stance on personal responsibility but leaves the choice to her, not pushing it further. 

Dr Bernstein says there is no guarantee this approach will always work.

But he confidently says that based on his 25 years of being in family psychology, it works most of the time to “reduce defiant behavior and improve relationships between parents and children.”

So the next time you feel like you’re at your wit’s end trying to be strong and firm, remember three words:

Calm, firm, non-controlling.

Final thoughts

Being firm doesn’t have to mean being harsh. It’s all about setting the right boundaries with a touch of kindness. 

Think of it like baking cookies. 

Too much heat, and they burn. Not enough, and they’re all doughy. 

We’re aiming for that perfect batch of cookies to come out just right – golden, delicious, and with just enough chew to it. 

Simply put, when it comes to being firm without being hurtful to our kids, timing, temperature, and tenderness matter.