10 ways socially intelligent people give constructive criticism without hurting others’ feelings

Ava Sinclair by Ava Sinclair | September 20, 2024, 9:26 am

Giving criticism isn’t about tearing someone down—it’s about guiding them toward improvement.

It requires social intelligence and careful wording to inspire change, not hurt feelings.

Those skilled in this know how to navigate tough conversations with empathy, using strategies that preserve relationships.

In this article, I’ll share 10 ways socially intelligent people offer constructive criticism without hurting others.

1) The power of sandwiching

In the realm of constructive criticism, social intelligence is paramount. And socially intelligent people have mastered the art of sandwiching.

Sandwiching is the technique of delivering a piece of criticism between two positive comments. It’s a way to soften the blow and make the feedback more palatable.

It works because it starts with a positive note, which makes the person more receptive to your feedback. Then you deliver the critical part, and again end on a positive note to soften any potential hurt feelings.

For instance, if you’re giving feedback on someone’s presentation skills, you might start by praising their clear voice and articulate speech, then mention that they could improve their eye contact with the audience, and finally end with their strong grasp on the subject matter.

The sandwich approach is not about sugarcoating or being insincere. It’s about delivering criticism in a way that encourages improvement rather than causing hurt or defensiveness.

2) Offering solutions, not just problems

As someone who has been on both sides of the criticism coin, I can attest that hearing about a problem without a suggested solution can feel demotivating. It’s like being told you’re lost but not being shown a way back.

I remember once, I was working on a project and my team leader pointed out some flaws in my approach. Instead of just highlighting what was wrong, he also suggested different ways I could tackle the task.

This not only helped me understand my mistake, but also offered me a direction to move towards.

Being socially intelligent means understanding that constructive criticism is not just about pointing out the problem, but also providing guidance on how to fix it.

It shows empathy and consideration, and it makes the person receiving the criticism feel supported and encouraged to improve.

3) The power of the pause

In the world of public speaking, silence is often referred to as a “powerful weapon”. This holds true even in one-on-one conversations, especially when you’re giving constructive criticism.

Pausing before delivering feedback allows the other person to mentally prepare for what’s coming next. It also gives you time to collect your thoughts and deliver your feedback in a more thoughtful and articulate way.

Studies have shown that people are more likely to accept feedback if it is followed by a period of silence.

This is because the pause allows them time to process the information and respond thoughtfully, rather than defensively.

4) Using “I” statements

The way we phrase our feedback can significantly impact how it’s received. Using “I” statements, instead of “you” statements, is a tactic often used by socially intelligent people to deliver criticism without hurting feelings.

“You” statements can come across as accusatory or blameful, making the receiver feel attacked. For instance, saying “You didn’t meet the deadline,” can put someone on the defensive.

On the other hand, “I” statements express your perspective and feelings without pointing fingers. For example, “I noticed the project was not completed on time. Can we discuss what happened?”

By using “I” statements, you’re showing respect for the other person’s feelings and focusing on the situation at hand rather than casting blame.

This approach encourages constructive dialogue and fosters a more positive atmosphere for growth and improvement.

5) The right timing

Timing is everything, especially when it comes to giving criticism. Socially intelligent people understand the importance of choosing the right moment to deliver feedback.

Giving criticism in the heat of the moment or when someone is already upset can lead to an unproductive conversation.

The person may be too emotionally charged to properly process your feedback, leading to hurt feelings or defensiveness.

On the other hand, choosing a calm and appropriate time for feedback increases the chances of it being positively received.

It shows that you respect their feelings and are not just interested in pointing out their faults, but genuinely invested in their growth and improvement.

6) Empathy is key

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is at the heart of social intelligence. And when it comes to giving constructive criticism, it’s an absolute game-changer.

When we empathize, we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. We consider how our words might feel if they were directed at us. This perspective helps us deliver our feedback in a kinder, more considerate way.

It’s not enough to just deliver criticism; how it is delivered matters. We all want to be heard and understood, but most importantly, we want to be respected.

Empathy ensures that respect and understanding are present in our feedback.

7) Focus on behavior, not the person

Once, I had to give feedback to a colleague who was constantly missing deadlines. It was affecting our team’s performance, and as the project leader, I knew I had to address it.

However, this colleague was also a very dear friend. I was afraid of hurting their feelings or damaging our relationship.

But then I realized something important: it wasn’t my friend that I had a problem with, it was their behavior. So, I decided to focus on that.

Instead of saying “You are always late,” which is personal and could be seen as an attack on their character, I said “I’ve noticed that the deadlines have been missed a few times, and it’s impacting our project timeline.”

By focusing on the behavior rather than the person, I was able to express my concerns without making my friend feel attacked or criticized. The conversation led to a positive outcome without damaging our friendship.

8) Asking for permission

It might seem a little odd, but asking for permission to give feedback can actually make your criticism more palatable.

Instead of launching straight into your feedback, try asking something like, “Would you mind if I share some thoughts on this?” or “Can I offer you some perspective on this issue?”

This simple act of seeking consent does two things. First, it shows respect for the other person’s feelings and autonomy. Second, it mentally prepares them for receiving feedback.

By asking for permission, you are setting the stage for a more open, receptive conversation. It’s a small step that can make a big difference in how your constructive criticism is received.

9) Being specific

Vague criticism is not only unhelpful, but it can also be very frustrating for the person on the receiving end. It’s like being told you’re going in the wrong direction, but not being told which is the right way.

Socially intelligent people understand the importance of being specific when giving feedback. They don’t just say “your work needs improvement,” they clearly explain where and how it can be improved.

For example, instead of saying “Your report wasn’t good,” you could say “Your report would be more impactful if it included more data to support your claims.”

By being specific, you’re providing clear direction for improvement. It shows you’re invested in their growth and are not just pointing out their flaws for the sake of it.

10) Ending on a positive note

No matter how well-crafted or necessary your criticism is, it can still leave a sting. That’s why ending your feedback on a positive note is so crucial.

Highlighting their strengths or past successes not only softens the blow but also leaves them feeling motivated and capable of improvement. It sends the message that you believe in their ability to grow and overcome their shortcomings.

This approach goes beyond just being nice; it’s about fostering resilience and encouraging positive change. Because at the end of the day, the goal of constructive criticism is to build up, not tear down.

Final thoughts: The art of empathy

When giving constructive criticism, empathy is key.

It’s about understanding and sharing someone else’s feelings, which helps turn feedback into something uplifting and encouraging rather than discouraging.

Whether advising a colleague or mentoring someone, let empathy guide your words.

It transforms feedback into something meaningful.

Socially intelligent criticism isn’t just about what you say but how it makes others feel.

Remember, it’s not just about correcting mistakes—it’s about fostering growth and strengthening connections.