Maybe we’re all a little passive-aggressive sometimes.

Passive aggression is a way of expressing negative feelings indirectly, without coming out and talking about them openly. And in lots of different social situations, we aren’t really free to tell people exactly what we think of them.

However, some people take it to another level. These are people who will never come out and say what they think of others, but will instead use passive-aggressive language and behavior to communicate their problems with your behavior.

When challenged on it, they may even deny that they have a problem when they clearly do.

“Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive,” writes psychologist Kendra Cherry.

“Passive-aggressive behavior can appear in the form of resistance to another person’s requests by procrastinating, expressing sullenness, or acting stubbornly.”

Note Cherry’s use of the word ‘unconscious’. It’s possible for someone to be passive-aggressive without even realizing that they are.

But if you know someone who often engages in the following behaviors, take them as warning signs that you are dealing with a person who is habitually passive-aggressive.

1) Indirect communication

Passive-aggressive people love indirect communication. In fact, that’s what being passive-aggressive is all about.

In other words, instead of saying what they really feel or what’s on their mind, passive-aggressive people will hint at it without coming out and saying it. This can look something like:

• Hinting instead of asking directly: Instead of saying, “Can you help me with this task?” they might say, “I’m really struggling to finish this on my own.”
• Using ambiguous language: Saying something like, “It’s kind of cold in here, isn’t it?” instead of directly asking someone to close a window or turn up the heat.
• Expressing a wish rather than a request: Saying, “I wish the kitchen was cleaner,” instead of asking, “Can you please clean the kitchen?”
• Using questions to express opinions: Asking, “Don’t you think it’s a bit late to start a movie?” instead of stating, “I think it’s too late to start watching a movie now.”

The thing is, everybody knows what these phrases mean.

But by keeping the communication indirect, the passive-aggressive person avoids responsibility for what they are saying and maintains the ability to deny that that’s what they really meant.

2) Procrastination and avoidance

As mentioned above, passive-aggressive people may also use procrastination and avoidance to get out of doing what they want.

For example, if asked to do something by their boss at work, they may put off doing it until it’s too late instead of just coming out and saying they don’t want to do it.

“They are master procrastinators,” writes social worker and author Signe Whitson. “ While all of us like to put off unpleasant tasks from time to time, people with passive aggressive personalities rely on procrastination as a way of frustrating others and/or getting out of certain chores without having to directly refuse them.”

And it’s not just at work. A passive-aggressive person may procrastinate or avoid in their social life or home, too.

For example, if you ask your partner to do the dishes, and they keep putting it off to express their displeasure at being asked, they are being passive-aggressive.

3) Sullen or stubborn behavior

All of us have times when we’re feeling a little bit down or unmotivated. The difference is, passive-aggressive people use those feelings as a weapon, and may even fake feelings they don’t actually have.

Sulking is a common passive-aggressive tactic. These people will put on a long face and make sure everybody knows they’re upset without coming out and saying why.

Even more annoying is that often, when asked why they are upset, they will refuse to say, or even say that they are not upset when they clearly are.

The goal is to get people to do what they want, which makes this manipulative behavior.

4) Silent treatment

The silent treatment can be a powerful weapon in the hands of a manipulative person. And often, that’s exactly how passive-aggressive people use it.

They will stop talking to others and refuse to engage as a way of punishing people for not doing what they want. Also, it allows them to avoid saying what’s really on their minds by not saying anything at all.

5) Subtle sabotage

Even worse is when a passive-aggressive person subtly sabotages people around them to vent their displeasure.

There are lots of different ways to do this depending on the context, but here are some of the most common:

• Intentional delays: Deliberately slowing down work or progress on a task, often by procrastinating, taking an unusually long time to complete tasks, or creating unnecessary hurdles.
• Withholding information: Not sharing critical information or updates that are necessary for the success of a project or task.
• Undermining confidence: Making comments or suggestions that subtly erode someone’s confidence in their abilities or decisions.
• Neglecting responsibilities: Failing to complete assigned tasks or responsibilities, or doing them poorly, hurting the overall progress of a project or team.
• Spread of negative rumors: Quietly spreading rumors or gossip that can damage someone’s reputation or relationships within a group.
• Sowing discord: Creating tension or conflict between team members through subtle manipulation or by playing people against each other.

6) Backhanded compliments

The backhanded compliment is a common weapon in the arsenal of a passive-aggressive person.

Basically, these are phrases that may superficially sound like compliments, but are actually more like insults.

Things like, “You look great for your age!” “You’re so brave to wear that!” Or, “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

These allow the passive-aggressive person to seem as though they are being nice, when really they are being anything but.

And when challenged on the things they say, they can always claim that they meant it as a compliment and you simply took it the wrong way.

7) Withholding praise or acknowledgment

Another way a passive-aggressive person might vent their displeasure is by withholding praise or acknowledgment.

So a passive-aggressive coworker might refuse to acknowledge that you did a great job getting a project done on time. Or a passive-aggressive partner might avoid acknowledging the delicious meal you cooked for them.

There are lots of different ways this can manifest in real life. But if you know someone who rarely has a good word to say about other people and instead likes to withhold praise as a way of getting what they want, they are probably a passive-aggressive person. 

8) Frequent complaints about unfairness

As psychiatrist Daniel Hall-Flavin writes for the Mayo Clinic, frequent complaints about feeling unappreciated or things being unfair is a classic hallmark of a passive-aggressive person.

By complaining about unfair treatment, the passive-aggressive person hopes to make people around them feel guilty. Then, to stop the passive-aggressive person from complaining, they might actually give them preferential treatment.

Sometimes, things really aren’t fair. But if you know someone who is constantly complaining about things being unfair toward them personally, it may be their passive-aggressive anger working its way out.

9) Sarcasm and cynical comments

I’ll admit, sarcasm is my second language. But passive-aggressive people often use sarcasm or other cynical comments as a way of hiding their negative feelings behind a joke.

So when they say something like, “oh, that sounds like fun,” when asked to do something they know they won’t enjoy, or saying, “yeah, I can’t wait” when someone suggests they spend time with someone they don’t like, they aren’t trying to be funny.

Instead, they are trying to get across the fact that they are unhappy without just coming out and directly saying it.

Again, everybody knows the real reason the passive-aggressive person is making these comments. But by hiding them as a kind of joke, they give themselves cover if anyone challenges them on their negative attitude.

Dealing with passive-aggressive people 

Passive-aggressive people can be extremely difficult to deal with.

They have a way of focusing on the negative in every situation and taking out their anger in indirect ways that make it impossible to deal with.

After all, if someone won’t admit they have a problem, how can you solve it?

Sometimes, the best way to deal with someone who is being passive-aggressive is to call them out on it. Be direct and ask them to tell you what’s wrong. If they don’t, ignore their behavior.

This will force a passive-aggressive person to be more honest about their feelings once they realize that their not-so-subtle behaviors are not having the effect they want.