Divorce is a difficult process, but when kids are used as weapons, it becomes far more complex and damaging.

As a psychologist, I’ve seen the traits of people who use their children as pawns in these bitter battles.

They might not even realize they’re doing it. It’s not about painting them as villains, but understanding their actions to better protect the kids involved.

Here are nine traits that these individuals often share.

1) They often use guilt

Divorce is a time of high emotions and it’s not uncommon for individuals to use guilt as a weapon, especially when children are involved.

Psychology tells us that guilt is a powerful tool. It can drive people to act in ways they wouldn’t normally, motivated by the desire to relieve the guilt they’re feeling.

Parents who use their kids as weapons during divorce often instill guilt in their children. The message might be subtle or overt, but it’s typically along the lines of “If you loved me, you’d want to stay with me”.

This puts children in a difficult position, torn between their love for both parents and the pressure to choose sides.

But remember, it’s not about vilifying these parents. It’s about understanding this trait so we can better support the children caught in the middle.

Ultimately, honesty and open communication are key during these times. It’s important not to manipulate children’s feelings for personal gain.

2) They may engage in alienating behaviors

Parental alienation is another trait that often surfaces in these situations. This involves one parent turning the child against the other parent. I’ve seen this firsthand in my practice.

Let me share an example. I once worked with a couple undergoing a bitter divorce.

The mother would consistently speak negatively about the father in front of their kids, even going so far as to blame him for the divorce and all their family’s problems.

Over time, this created a divide. The kids started to view their father through their mother’s lens, causing them to pull away from him.

It’s crucial to remember that children should never be exposed to adult conflicts, especially during a divorce.

It’s our responsibility to shield them from such negativity and promote healthy relationships with both parents.

3) They tend to be controlling

Control is a common trait in individuals who use their kids as weapons during divorce.

This can manifest in various ways, from dictating how and when the other parent can see their child, to using the child to gather information about the other parent’s personal life.

 They thrive on conflict and use it as a means to maintain control, even if it harms their children’s well-being.

Understanding this trait helps us recognize the signs early on and intervene appropriately, ensuring the child’s best interests are at heart.

4) They have a tendency to play the victim

Another trait I’ve noticed in people who use their kids as pawns in divorce is a tendency to portray themselves as the victim.

This doesn’t just apply to the conflict with their former spouse, but often extends to other areas of their life too.

They might tell their children how they’ve been wronged by their ex, painting a picture of themselves as the innocent party suffering at the hands of the other.

This creates sympathy and can lead children to align with them, further driving a wedge between the child and the other parent.

It’s important to encourage open dialogue and truthfulness during these times. Kids need to have a balanced view of both parents without being burdened by one-sided victim narratives.

5) They often lack empathy

In my experience, a lack of empathy is a common trait in individuals who use their children as weapons during a divorce.

They may be so caught up in their own emotional turmoil that they fail to consider the impact of their actions on their children.

For example, they might use the child to convey hurtful messages to the other parent, or make decisions that disrupt the child’s routine and stability, all without considering how this might affect the child’s emotional well-being.

It’s crucial to remember that children are not tools to be used in conflicts.

They are individuals with their own feelings and deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and empathy at all times.

6) They may struggle with emotional regulation

Divorce is emotionally taxing, and it’s not uncommon for people to struggle with regulating their emotions during this time. This can be particularly problematic when emotions spill over onto the children.

Parents who use their kids as weapons often exhibit poor emotional regulation. They might yell, cry, or become overly emotional in front of their kids, without considering how this might make their children feel.

Let’s remember, children are often just trying to navigate their way through the confusion and hurt of a divorce.

They need stability and reassurance, not to be caught in an emotional crossfire. At the end of the day, it’s about prioritizing their needs above our own emotions.

7) They might display vindictive tendencies

In the throes of a divorce, it’s not unusual for individuals to want to ‘win’ at any cost. In some cases, this can escalate into vindictiveness. This is something I’ve faced personally during my parents’ divorce.

I remember when my parents split up, my mom would often withhold information about my school events and activities from my dad.

When he found out, he’d feel hurt and excluded, sparking more conflict. I was caught in the middle, bearing the brunt of their vindictiveness.

It’s important to recognize that children aren’t prizes to be won or lost.

They need both parents in their lives, and any actions driven by spite or vindictiveness only serve to harm the child in the long run.

8) They often exhibit manipulative behaviors

Manipulation is another common trait in parents who use their children as weapons during a divorce.

They might twist facts, make false promises, or use emotional blackmail to get their children to side with them.

For instance, they might promise a child a new toy or a fun trip if they choose to stay with them, or they may tell the child that the other parent doesn’t love them or care about them.

Parents should be mindful of their actions and words, ensuring they’re not manipulating their child’s emotions for their own advantage. It’s essential to foster trust and honesty during these challenging times.

9) They can be overly possessive

Possessiveness is perhaps the most damaging trait in parents who use their kids as weapons during divorce. It’s not about the child’s well-being or happiness, but rather about ‘winning’ the child from the other parent.

Such parents might be overly protective, restrict the child’s access to the other parent, or create an unhealthy dependency. This can severely impact the child’s emotional development and their relationship with both parents.

Remember, children are not possessions. They are individuals with their own rights and feelings.

Respecting their autonomy and prioritizing their emotional health is paramount in any situation, especially during a divorce.

Final thoughts: It’s about the children

As we navigate the complexities of divorce, it’s crucial to remember that at the heart of it all are the children.

Research from the Journal of Family Psychology suggests that children caught in high-conflict divorces are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and other psychological problems later in life.

The traits we’ve discussed – from manipulation and control to possessiveness and guilt – aren’t just harmful to the other parent. They’re damaging to the children as well.

So, as we journey through this challenging process, let’s remind ourselves that our actions and attitudes can significantly impact our children’s emotional well-being.

It’s not about ‘winning’ or ‘losing’. It’s about ensuring our children feel loved, secure, and valued, regardless of the changes happening around them.

Let’s prioritize their needs and feelings above our conflicts. After all, they are what truly matters.