My parents love me very much. In many ways, they have tried to support me the best they knew how. But when it came to offering encouragement, their own self-limiting beliefs got in the way.

I know that this has shaped me for both good and bad into adulthood.

On the one hand, I’ve always struggled with low ambition. On the other hand, I’m very self-reliant because I had to be.

When it comes to taking responsibility for myself I don’t expect others to do the emotional work for me.

This got me thinking about the sorts of traits that people who didn’t receive positive encouragement as a child would go on to develop.

So, I started researching, and what I discovered was a real mixed bag.

1) Fear of failure

Receiving encouragement in childhood is what coaxes us to leave our comfort zone and give things a try. It’s what boosts our motivation and ambition.

I know firsthand that people who didn’t receive positive encouragement as children may develop a stronger fear of failure.

The unofficial motto in my house growing up was:

“Don’t try and then you can’t fail”.

My parents were so risk-averse and had negative mindsets so they never encouraged any growth behavior in me and my siblings.

In their mind, they were trying to keep us safe.

Stick to your limits. Don’t rock the boat. Try to be realistic in your plans and ambitions. They were the sort of messages I received daily.

My sister once told my dad that she wanted to be a journalist when she grew up (something I later went on to do) and his advice to her was to choose something different as it’s very competitive.

She later admitted to me she couldn’t help but feel some resentment about it later in life.

This fearful approach instills in you the habit of avoiding uncertain situations. The trouble is, that cuts off so many opportunities in the process.

If you allow it to, this fear can be crippling and may prevent you from taking risks or pursuing your goals.

That’s why learning to question that fear and finding ways to navigate it is essential.

2) Perfectionism

We hear a lot about how perfectionism, rather than being a strength, is very much a weakness.

That’s because when we set the bar to unrealistically high standards, we’re never going to win.

So perfectionists tend to be really hard on themselves.

I believe my perfectionism was a direct result of the lack of attention and encouragement I craved from my folks.

On some sort of level, you end up feeling like you have to be perfect in order to be worthy.

As psychologist Michelle P. Maidenberg explains:

“As a child, the thinking may have been, “If only I were good enough, smart enough, likable enough, loveable enough, then my parents would love and accept me.” In adulthood, it could be daunting to discover that there is nothing that they can say or do, whereby they can make the cut.”

3) Shaky self-confidence

We’re led to believe that self-esteem is an inside job.

But that’s not the full picture, because our self-belief is built as we grow.

That means our childhood experiences shape it in huge ways.

As explained by the co-founder of the Global Institute of Emotional Health and Wellness, Sarah-Len Mutiwasekwa, the people around us contribute to our basic self-esteem.

“Our self-esteem develops as we grow from childhood to adulthood. It is affected by the image we build for ourselves through experiences with people and different situations. The things that you experienced as a child initially form a foundation in the shaping of your self-esteem.”

People who lack positive encouragement as children often struggle with low self-esteem for this reason.

This can manifest in feelings of inadequacy and a constant need for external validation, as we’re about to see next.

4) Looking for validation

It’s very common psychological behavior to go searching for in adulthood the emotional needs we missed out on in childhood.

If you craved the attention, praise, and encouragement of your parents or caregivers and were unable to receive it — this longing often lingers.

If it was missing, you may look to others to fill the void left by a lack of positive reinforcement.

This can lead to unhealthy relationships and a constant need for approval.

• People pleasing behaviors
• Acting needy or clingy
• Difficulty saying no and poor boundaries (for fear of being rejected)
• Being overly agreeable
• Attention seeking behavior
• Finding it hard to make decisions without other people’s advice

Much like self-esteem, we learn self-validation. But yet again, that needs to be built, as highlighted in Psych Central:

“When a child is repeatedly given approval, they build up their sense of value.

They eventually become confident in their internal sense of validation: they don’t need outside approval because they can often validate and approve themselves.

Some children may face challenging experiences that may result in low self-esteem or insecurity.

As adults, they might find it hard to validate themselves. Because of this, they might persistently seek approval and turn to people-pleasing behaviors.”

5) Uncomfortable with praise

Encouragement isn’t quite the same as praise. Because receiving encouragement isn’t about passing judgment, it’s about recognizing effort and offering support.

But nevertheless, kids who grow up without encouragement aren’t particularly used to hearing “well done” or “good job”.

When we’re not used to getting any sort of feedback it can make you really uncomfortable with receiving it.

That can mean that getting recognition in adulthood can feel embarrassing.

You might find that you cringe, dismiss it, or make a sarcastic comment when someone tries to pay you a compliment.

But it’s not just the positive that you could be adverse to, as we’re about to see next.

6) Finding it hard to accept criticism

When you are already really hard on yourself and have a more fragile self-esteem (because nobody else helped build you up) getting negative feedback can be mortifying.

It has to do with ego, but that certainly doesn’t mean it’s arrogance.

The reality is that without confidence instilled in you as a kid, your ego tends to be a lot more delicate. So without rock-solid self-esteem, any sort of constructive feedback can hit you so much harder.

You may take any form of feedback as a personal attack on your worth or abilities.

What makes it worse is that plenty of people who grew up without positive encouragement actively got a lot of criticism from their parents too.

As Leon F Seltzer PhD explains in Psychology Today, that means criticism in later life can trigger old wounds.

“When we’re unfavorably evaluated or disagreed with, we can experience such discord almost as a put-down.

Negatively sensitized to criticism, we may respond as though we were told (in so many words) that we were bad, ugly, or stupid.

In such instances, the hurt child within us–never fully healed from the wound of early, and quite possibly excessive, parental criticism–is likely to bleed anew. “

7) Strong self-reliance

I said in the intro that a lack of encouragement has shaped me for good and for bad. I think it’s important to acknowledge that.

Everyone responds differently to life circumstances. It will also depend on whether a general lack of encouragement came along with other forms of neglect.

It is possible to overcome the obstacles brought by our early challenges. As the analogy goes, diamonds are forged under pressure.

In my case, my folks certainly meant well. But I also realized very quickly that a life without encouragement is a limiting one lacking motivation or hope.

So I looked to myself to become more self-reliant so that I could build my own confidence and self-belief little by little.

It’s given me a very independent spirit. I know how to take care of myself both emotionally and practically.

The danger is when this becomes hyper-independence, which arises from not feeling like you can turn to others for support. 

As clinical psychologist Dr. Amy Marschall explains, it can be a response to trauma.

“Some people’s trauma includes going through periods when their needs were not met, and so they can develop hyper-independent tendencies in an effort to survive.

The neglect they experienced taught them that they can only rely on themselves. They might believe that others cannot or will not help them, and so there is no point in seeking help or support from others.”

A sign that over-independence could have crept in includes:

• Finding it hard to create close relationships
• Mistrust of people
• An inability to seek help
• Being guarded or secretive
• Over-achieving…which brings us nicely to our next point…

8) Determination to prove yourself

We all want people to be proud of us and believe in us, and encouragement is how we know they are.

So when you aren’t encouraged you may go to extra lengths to get it.

Much like trying to be perfect, trying to prove yourself is a way of showing you are “worthy”.

It can lead to behaviors like:

• Being incredibly hard-working (perhaps to the point of burnout)
• Being highly competitive
• Being driven and goal-orientated

Unfortunately, much like perfectionists, overachievers are often trying to bolster their self-image. As pointed out by University of Rochester psychologist Andrew Elliot:

“Overachievers have an underlying fear of failure or a self-worth contingent upon competence.

Rather than setting and striving for goals based on a pure desire to achieve, their underlying motivation impels them out into the world to avoid failure.”

We can decide how the past will dictate our future

I’m not trying to dismiss how events shape us in both subtle and powerful ways.

It’s true that a lack of positive encouragement during childhood can leave us with some hangups to overcome in adulthood.

But it can also create real strength of character that makes you even better equipped to handle life’s ups and downs.

By understanding these traits, it’s easier to work towards healing and growth for those who experienced an upbringing missing the attention they needed.