Being comfortable with solitude is a skill not everyone possesses. People who can’t stand being alone often display traits like fearing abandonment, craving constant interaction, and avoiding situations where they’re left to their own thoughts.

These patterns highlight their deep need for external connection. So, if you’re someone who can’t bear the thought of a quiet evening with just your thoughts for company, or you know someone like that, stick around.

This is Lachlan Brown from Hack Spirit, and I’m here to help you understand this intriguing aspect of human nature better.

1) Fear of solitude

Fear is a powerful emotion, and it can often dictate our behavior more than we’d like to admit. This is particularly true when it comes to the fear of being alone.

Psychology identifies this as a common trait among those who struggle with solitude. It’s not just the absence of people that creates discomfort; it’s the sheer idea of being alone with their thoughts.

This fear can lead to an overdependence on social interaction as a means to distract themselves from their mind’s chatter.

As a mindfulness practitioner, I can tell you that solitude is an essential component of self-awareness and personal growth. It allows you to engage with your thoughts, emotions, and experiences in a more present and conscious manner.

However, for those who fear being alone, the thought of sitting in silence with their own thoughts can be truly terrifying. This fear can manifest in various ways – from a constant need for company to an inability to enjoy quiet moments.

2) Lack of self-reliance

Another trait that psychology identifies in people who struggle with solitude is a lack of self-reliance.

These people often rely heavily on others for emotional support, decision-making, and even their sense of self-worth. They find it difficult to trust their own judgment and often seek validation from others.

In my personal experience, I’ve seen how this dependence on others can limit personal growth and hinder the development of self-confidence. It’s like always needing a safety net because you’re not sure you can handle things on your own.

Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön once said, “The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

We need to cultivate self-reliance and trust in our abilities. Mindfulness and meditation practices can help in this process by allowing us to observe our thoughts and emotions without judgment.

This self-awareness can guide us to make decisions independently and find peace even when we’re alone.

3) Struggle with impermanence

At the core of Buddhist philosophy is the understanding of impermanence – that everything is constantly changing and nothing is permanent. This includes relationships, our environment, and even our own thoughts and feelings.

People who are incapable of being alone often struggle with this concept. They may cling to relationships or social interactions as a way to maintain a sense of stability and continuity in their lives.

The idea of their social circle changing or not being around can cause significant anxiety and discomfort.

This resistance to change and the inability to accept the transient nature of life can make solitude a daunting prospect. It’s like standing on shifting sands, constantly trying to maintain balance while everything around is in flux.

Buddhist wisdom encourages us to embrace impermanence, to understand that change is not only inevitable but also necessary for growth.

Being comfortable with being alone allows us to face these changes with grace and equanimity, knowing that we can find stability within ourselves amidst the external fluctuations.

4) Difficulty being present

Living in the present moment – it’s one of the cornerstones of mindfulness, but it’s also a significant challenge for those who struggle with being alone.

People who find it tough to be alone often escape into the past or future. They may dwell on past conversations, replaying them over and over in their minds, or worry about future events that haven’t happened yet.

This constant mental time travel takes them away from the present moment, making it difficult for them to enjoy their own company in the here and now.

This constant distraction doesn’t leave much room for self-reflection or for truly experiencing the world around them. It’s like being in a beautiful garden but not seeing the flowers because you’re too busy worrying about the weeds that might grow tomorrow.

Mindfulness can be a powerful tool to combat this. By practicing mindfulness, we can learn to anchor ourselves in the present moment, appreciating it for what it is without judgment or fear. 

5) Low self-esteem

In my years of studying and teaching mindfulness and Buddhism, I’ve noticed a pattern. Many people who struggle with solitude often grapple with low self-esteem. They might not feel worthy of love or attention, so they seek external validation to fill that void.

This constant need for affirmation from others can get exhausting and leave little room for self-love and acceptance. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it – no matter how much water you pour in, it will never be enough.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I discuss how Buddhist teachings can help us develop a healthier sense of self-worth.

By practicing mindfulness and embracing Buddhist principles, we can learn to appreciate ourselves for who we are, without the need for external validation. 

6) Discomfort with silence

Silence can be golden, but for some, it’s an uncomfortable void. Those who find solitude challenging often have a tough time dealing with silence. They may feel the need to fill it with noise — be it music, television, conversation, or even their own thoughts.

This discomfort with silence can be a barrier to peace and tranquillity. It’s like being in a peaceful forest but not being able to enjoy the quiet because of the noise in your head.

Mindfulness and Buddhism teach us that silence isn’t something to be feared but embraced. In the silence, we find the opportunity to connect with ourselves on a deeper level. It allows us to hear our thoughts and emotions clearly, without the distraction of constant noise.

The loudest noises often come from within. By practicing mindfulness, we can learn to quiet our internal chatter and find peace in silence. This acceptance of silence is a crucial step towards enjoying solitude.

7) Avoidance of self-reflection

Self-reflection can be a tough pill to swallow. It involves delving into our thoughts, emotions, and actions, and being honest about what we find.

For some people, this introspection is so uncomfortable that they’d rather keep busy with social activities than spend time alone in self-reflection.

This avoidance can lead to a lack of self-awareness and personal growth. It’s like driving a car without ever checking the rearview mirror – you’re bound to miss important information about your journey.

Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” This wisdom applies not just to others, but to ourselves as well.

By avoiding self-reflection, we’re denying ourselves the gift of our own attention. Through mindfulness and meditation, we can learn to embrace self-reflection, using it as a tool for personal growth and self-understanding.

And in doing so, we might just find that solitude becomes a cherished companion rather than an unwelcome guest.

8) Overemphasis on doing, not being

In our fast-paced, productivity-driven society, we often measure our worth by how much we’re doing. This mindset can be a stumbling block for those who struggle with being alone.

They feel the need to constantly ‘do’ — to be engaged in an activity or interaction, to always be productive.

However, this relentless pursuit of doing often leaves little room for simply ‘being’. It’s like running on a treadmill non-stop without taking a moment to rest and just breathe.

Mindfulness flips this narrative. It teaches us the value of stillness, of just being in the present moment without the need to constantly do something. It emphasizes the importance of rest and rejuvenation, and that our worth isn’t defined by our productivity.

This shift from doing to being can be transformative. It allows us to find contentment in stillness and solitude, rather than seeing them as something to be avoided. And in doing so, we might find that being alone is not a state of loneliness but a space for peace and self-discovery.

Learning to appreciate solitude allows us to become more self-aware, develop self-love, and cultivate peace within ourselves. It’s not about isolating ourselves from the world, but about finding contentment within our own company and being okay with silence and stillness.

For those interested in embarking on this journey, I recommend my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”.

It outlines how Buddhist teachings can help us navigate life with more peace and less ego, which is an integral part of learning to be comfortable with solitude.