12 traits all exceptional parents have in common, according to psychologists

Avatar by Paul Brian | November 11, 2024, 7:18 pm

Whether you’re a parent or hoping to be one in the future, or even if you just want to understand how you were raised, there are clear distinctions between exceptional parents and everyone else. 

No parent is perfect, and no family unit raises youngsters without any friction at all. 

But certain parents bring an enormous amount of conscious, loving and effective parenting to the table in the way they raise their kids. 

Let’s take a look at what psychology defines as the most effective ways for a parent to raise their kids. 

1) Non-transactional love

Children can be a handful, and they can cause enormous frustration, worry and stress to their parents. 

But the fundamental love and affection that a parent has for their youngsters should never wave. 

It must be unconditional and non-transactional even during hard times. In other words even if their child is misbehaving, the excellent parent doesn’t make it personal or malicious. 

They consistently show their love even in small ways.

As psychology writer Katherine Lee advises:

“We can all get so busy, it’s easy to forget to take the time to show our kids how we feel about them. 

Small gestures, like writing a note for their lunchbox or sharing things about yourself with them can strengthen your connection and show your child how much you love them every day.”

2) Making time for their kids

It may sound basic, but making plenty of time for their kids is something that sets truly exceptional parents apart.

Even with a vastly busy schedule and many other stresses and pressures in life, they never forget their kids. 

They spend time around the kids and make them a priority in their lives whenever possible, making it crystal clear that their children aren’t just an afterthought or “one part” of their life. 

As Canadian author O.A. Battista put it:

“The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day.”

3) Encouraging kids to express how they feel

The extraordinary parent encourages their kids to express how they feel

They allow their children to express various emotions without trying to curate, micromanage or label all of them. 

Sometimes their child is sad, sometimes bubbly or hyper! It’s all part of the journey, and the great parent tries not to set guardrails on everything or be overly finicky. 

“To be a good parent and an effective communicator, encourage your child to express his feelings and then listen to him with empathy. 

Being a good parent, try to demonstrate to him, that you care and respect his thoughts and feelings,” notes Dr. Hafiz Muneeb.

4) Clear communication and boundaries

Extraordinary parents are extraordinarily communicative and clear

They set boundaries that are firmly in place and well known by their kids about what they should not do, and everything else is a realm of freedom. 

They are honest about themselves and about what they expect, and the child responds to this with love and respect, since they see that their mom and dad are an honest broker. 

“Honesty is one of the top characteristics of a good parent,” Muneeb points out. “This provides your children with practice in handling and resolving disagreements.”

This brings up the next point: 

5) Consistency and no playing favorites

Many parents end up favoring one of their children over another. They also end up changing rules and boundaries depending on their mood. 

The extraordinary parent is in a league of their own, and does the opposite:

They have rules and guidelines that always stay the same, and their behavior follows a pattern that their kids understand and rely on;

And they don’t favor or show extra love to one of their children more so than another and are consistently consistent. 

As Gazley explains

“Up to the age of twelve, children see things as black and white and are unable to understand exceptions to the rule. If you exhibit inconsistency, they will believe they have been lied to.”

6) Strictness without malice or losing control

The extraordinary parent is able to be strict and have consequences for poor behavior without taking things personally

They don’t fly off at the handle, or become enraged at their kid. Even very bad behavior is met with a reasonable and firm approach rather than apoplectic anger or lashing out. 

They are strict when necessary, but talk in a respectful and non-frantic tone of voice, making it clear they are still an adult in charge of their reactions and behavior and won’t be drawn into a fight or a bickering back-and-forth with their kid. 

“Keeping a calm, businesslike tone to your voice is a hallmark of good parenting,” notes therapist Jeff Gazley, LMFT. “Usually children are just testing limits, which is how they learn.” 

7) Remaining adaptable to their child’s needs 

At the same time as they are firm about what boundaries not to cross and the basics of what’s expected, the extraordinary parent is highly adaptive. 

They don’t try to impose cookie-cutter rules or systems on their family or get children to only behave in one exact way. 

They bring their kids in on decisions and do their best to respect the personhood and perspective of their little guys. 

This makes kids feel included and be much more likely to see their parents as part of a team instead of as enemies or opponents.

“Recognize your child’s right to have a voice in family decisions. Whenever possible, hold a family meeting before making rules, offer choices, and engage your kids in dialogue,” advises parenting psychology writer Sean Grover.

8) Real empathy and emotional support

Exceptional parents are empathetic and supportive in a truly loving way. 

They empower their kids with the tools and resources they need to succeed and prosper in life, while leaving them room to discover many things on their own. 

When their child is down or traumatized, the incredible parent offers support without offering to “fix” everything. 

They teach the child the difficult lesson of life so necessary in order to mature, which is that not all pain and disappointment is fixable or able to just be wished away. That’s why the support and solidarity is so important. 

As Heather S. Lonczak, Ph.D.writes:

“Warm, loving and supportive parents feed a child’s inner spirit while empowering him/her with the knowledge and tools necessary to approach life as a fully capable individual.”

9) Being a role model, good example and teacher

No parent is perfect, as I emphasized at the beginning.

But parents who rise above and beyond the typical level are very much determined to be a role model and teacher to their kids

They do their best not to curse around their kids, to dress and groom themselves presentably and to be a person their children can look up to, admire and learn from. 

They are supportive and firm with all their kids, giving them a person they can look up to and count on but also respect and love.

As Lonczak explains:

“A recurring theme in the positive parenting literature is that a warm, yet firm parenting style is linked to numerous positive youth outcomes. 

This style is termed ‘authoritative’ and it is conceptualized as a parenting approach that includes a good balance of the following parenting qualities: assertive, but not intrusive; demanding, but responsive; supportive in terms of discipline, but not punitive.” 

10) Positive reinforcement and encouragement

Exceptional parents are highly supportive and encouraging. 

They don’t try to be a savior and allow independence and personal responsibility, while still being there for their kids consistently and strongly. 

This has a very upbuilding effect on their kids. 

“Good parents nurture independence, fostering personal responsibility and encouraging self-reliance,” notes Grover. “They avoid the trappings of micromanaging or indulging their kids.”

11) Giving their child a chance to chip in and help

Exceptional parents allow their children to help out and feel needed around home and in many tasks. 

Even if it’s just something small or checking that their kid agrees that doing a certain thing is the “right call,” they bring their kid in on the process. 

Knowing they can chip in makes the youngsters feel wanted and valued. 

“Children love to belong and to feel useful, especially when very young. They often become discouraged if told they are too young to be helpful,” Gazley explains

12) Allowing their child independence to discover themselves

There’s a real balance that goes on in extraordinary parenting:

Great parents nail it by offering their children freedom to discover themselves and their world without just “setting them loose” without boundaries. 

This interplay of freedom with guidelines is the optimal environment within which their child can grow, learn, and, sometimes, even experience the sting of failure. 

As Psychology Today advises:

“A key challenge is resisting the urge to manage, guide, or control kids at all times, but research suggests that parents who give their children room to explore, grow, and, importantly, fail, may be serving them better.”