When life is smooth sailing, everybody seems to want to be your friend. 

But when the shit really hits the fan, that’s when you find out who your friends really are. 

You find out who loves you and who has your back no matter what. 

You find out who cares about you beyond a transactional level to a deep, heart level.

Here are the key life moments when you find out who has your back, according to psychologists and psychology researchers… 

1) When a friend helps you during times of crisis

When there’s a real crisis and you need help, who’s still there?

It could be financial, physical, mental, or even a tragic accident or a surprising and confusing situation with your partner…

It could be a sudden change in career that has you questioning your whole life and your value as a person…

Those friends and loved ones who stand by you even when everything is up in the air are those who truly care for you because they’re doing it voluntarily out of their own desire.

“Friendships in adulthood have the unique quality of being completely voluntary, not dictated by family ties or work,” notes Professor Emerita Susan Whitbourne, PhD. 

“The bonds that keep the relationship going, therefore, reflect nothing other than your affection for this person.”

2) When you’re faced with a life-threatening situation 

When you have a life-threatening situation, who shows up? 

This is something that most of us hopefully won’t have to experience, but if or when it happens the friends and loved ones who show up won’t be random.

It will be those who truly care about you and want to support you. 

Whether it’s a bad accident or a breakup that’s left you heartbroken and strung out on the couch, your friends are there. 

They’re a shoulder to lean on and a person to talk to when you need something, even if it’s just somebody who can listen. 

3) When you lose somebody close to you

When you lose somebody close to you it’s a time of deep grief and shock. 

Most of us can’t help but respond in a reactive and emotional way when we experience such a horrible loss. 

“We usually cope with grief in a reactive manner because the ambiguity and finality of death can be overwhelming and scary, and so we choose to not think or discuss it,” points out psychologist Isaac P. Tourgeman, PhD.

That’s why those who show up during our time of loss are those who truly love us and care for us. 

They don’t do it out of obligation or necessity, they do it because they care. And they do it despite our grief being unpredictable, raw, and uncensored. 

They show up anyway, and they stick by us through the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

4) When you just need to be left alone for a bit

Sometimes one of the hardest things to do is to let somebody you care about have their time and space. 

This is another moment when you find out who cares about you:

Even when they want to be around, they respect your need for space and to have some time alone. 

“Whether they be a friend or a romantic partner, they respect your need for space as you figure yourself out or handle situations in life,” points out Clingan.

She adds that “they don’t take it personally during these periods when you need to be left alone.”

This is the key:

Despite being disappointed you’re not available or maybe even a bit frustrated, they respect and love you enough to give you your space and not push you to open up right away if you’re not ready.

5) When you withdraw socially and go silent 

There’s a time when you withdraw and go silent, but you actually are not doing OK and need somebody to talk to. 

This is when many people drop off the radar and stop staying in touch. 

Those who just wanted to do business with you, sleep with you, be entertained by you, or have you as a casual friend? 

Nowhere to be found…

But those true friends and loved ones start to surface at this time, checking in if you’re OK and seeing if you need anything.

As mental health and self-development writer Shashwat Agarwal asks, when you go silent and withdraw, “does the other person even care enough to notice and reach out back to you? That is one of the most telling signs of the strength of a bond.”

Agarwal is absolutely correct here. Because those who reach out when they hear nothing for a long time from you are those who really care. 

True they will give you your space if you ask (as noted previously), but they’ll still inquire if you’re OK! 

6) When you undergo serious financial or career challenges

When you have a major change in your profession or your financial status it can throw everything into chaos. 

Who’s still there?

Who’s helping you pick up the pieces, giving you advice, giving you a shoulder to cry on, or connecting you with other folks who can help? 

The answer is simple:

It’s those people who really care about you and really want what’s best for you. They weren’t just there while the money was flowing or while you had an important title, they’re still around when you’re plain old you as well. 

7) When you’re undergoing a mental or physical health crisis

This ties into the previous point: 

When you’re deeply ill in bed craving a bowl of chicken soup or a cup of tea, who’s there?

When you’re so depressed you can’t get out of bed, who texts or calls?

These are those who truly care about you. These are the opposite of fairweather friends or lovers. 

They’re around for all seasons.

These are the folks who want to see you succeed and flourish in your life. They want to help you through those dark valleys in any way they can. 

8) When you mess up or make a bad mistake

You’ve made a huge mistake and you know it. You may not even “deserve” forgiveness. 

Maybe you lied, stole, cheated, or harmed somebody in a way you deeply regret.

But they still give you another chance. 

“This doesn’t mean that true love or care is measured in the amount of your toxic behavior they’re willing to put up with,” explains psychology writer Tina Orter, “but simply that they know you’re only human and won’t abandon you at the first hurdle.”

This is a solid point by Orter. This isn’t about codependency or somebody who allows you to make mistake after mistake with no consequences. 

But it is about a person who sees your potential and good heart even when you mess up and is willing to give you another shot and stick by you. 

9) When you experience major success and ‘hit the jackpot’

There’s another time you find out who’s a real one:

That’s when you have a massive success. 

Just as failure can sift out all those fake friends and shallow lovers from your environs, massive success can do the same. 

Those who have always been by you continue to do so, they celebrate your success but they don’t treat you any differently as some new VIP or “Mrs. CEO boss.”

They’re just them and you’re you. 

A bunch of casual friends and people around you who suddenly can’t stop praising you are another story, however:

They only like you for your success. They’re transactional and shallow.

10) When you undergo big changes in your life and identity

Those who truly care about you will accompany you throughout your shifts of identity and focus. 

They love and care about you even when who you are is evolving and changing. 

They don’t only like the person you were when you used to be a professional painter or when you were a suburban mom…

They like the new you who’s also deeply into martial arts and has gone on a spiritual path that’s quite intense and esoteric.

Even if they don’t get it fully, they adapt! They want to learn more! 

“Adaptability implies the ability to change over time,” explains psychiatrist Abigail Brenner, MD. 

“Life changes all the time, but sometimes the change is huge and requires mustering the strength and fortitude to withstand what happens to us”

Those friends and loved ones who stand by us during that time are those who really care. 

Who really has your back?

Figuring out who really has your back is crucial. 

It leads to greater mental and emotional wellness as well as knowing what to do when things go wrong. 

“Surrounding yourself with people who care about and value you will help you feel connected to others,” notes Mental Health America. 

This is the key:

Being connected to people who truly care about you, and doing the same in return.