Being in a relationship with someone you love is a wonderful thing.

Unless the relationship turns into a source of turmoil and sadness, dysregulating your nervous system, exhausting your energy, and taking a toll on your well-being.

Look, I’ll be the first person to say that every couple must encounter obstacles from time to time. You won’t always agree. You won’t always see eye to eye. And you won’t always show up as your best selves.

That’s just part of the inherently messy nature of romance.

However, there are certain things you should never tolerate in a relationship. Like, ever.

If you find that some of the things in this article are applicable to your situation, perhaps it’s time to take a step back and re-evaluate whether this relationship is truly good for you in the long term.

1) Your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries

Alright, rule number one: your partner should always have an inherent sense of respect for you.

This is absolutely non-negotiable.

If you say no, it means no. If you state your boundaries, they won’t try to push or cross them. If you tell them that their behavior is making you uncomfortable, they will stop.

It’s as simple as that.

Don’t get me wrong, I know how messy and complicated relationships can be, especially in the early stages when you’re still figuring out your personalities, triggers, and dealbreakers.

It’s okay to make mistakes. However, it’s crucial that you both learn from those mistakes and don’t continue the pattern.

According to the marriage and family therapist April Eldemire LMFT, these are just a few of the boundaries you can open up about and establish:

• Personal privacy (such as agreeing not to go through each other’s phones or journals)
• Physical space (zero tolerance for physical violence, ground rules when it comes to consent and sexual desires)
• Autonomy (maintaining friendships outside of the relationship, making one’s own decisions, working toward one’s goals)
• Relationship rules (expectations regarding fidelity, trust, communication, and respect)

2) Your partner refuses to openly communicate

I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating.

Communication is key.

This is because you simply can’t read your partner’s thoughts, and while you may be plagued with inaccurate assumptions, their feelings could be completely at odds with what you’re thinking.

That’s the part where an open and honest conversation really comes in handy.

There’s a caveat, however. It’s one thing to invite your partner to openly communicate and it’s another to respond in an emotionally mature manner.

What’s more, there’s a difference between willingness and skill. Your partner might be more than happy to talk to you about their feelings, but if they use the wrong words or take things too personally, your conversation might soon turn into a shouting match.

In general, though, communication can be taught, which is why the “willingness” part is usually enough to make things work.

If your partner constantly beats around the bush, refuses to share their thoughts with you, and keeps their feelings bottled up while you try to bring them out of their shell…

You might end up feeling incredibly lonely. And that’s not what a good relationship ought to be about.

You should be a team.

3) Your partner offers very little emotional support

Speaking of loneliness, the best way to recognize whether you’re dating the right person is to go through some tough stuff together.

This is because there’s a huge difference between experiencing the good times together and being there for each other when things fall apart.

From personal experience, I know that it is only when you genuinely need your partner that you may come to the realization the relationship doesn’t actually work.

Because they offer you so little emotional support that you feel even worse than before. Because they run away when you need them most. Because you can’t rely on them when all hell breaks loose.

So, I’m going to ask you a question right now and I want you to answer truthfully.

When you feel down and are looking for someone to confide in, is your partner the first person that comes to mind? Or are they quite low on the list?

And when you do confide in them, how do you feel afterward? Do they manage to make you feel heard and understood? Do they lift your spirits?

Your answer will tell you what you need to know.

4) Your partner takes you for granted

“Entitlement strips relationships of one of their most sublime emotional experiences, appreciation,” says author and mental health consultant Steven Stosny PhD.

I couldn’t agree more. Unfortunately, I have seen way too many relationships fall apart due to a lack of appreciation and an overwhelming sense of entitlement.

While it’s normal for all relationships to fall into a rut from time to time, it’s important that both partners realize it and take active steps to reconnect. Appreciation is one of the many ways to do just that.

It may seem like a small thing to gift your partner flowers or to tell hem how much they mean to you, but it could actually make a huge difference in the long term.

Do you feel like your partner takes your effort and energy for granted? Do you feel unappreciated, unwanted, and like all the love you keep pouring into the relationship just goes nowhere?

I’ve been there. This was actually one of the primary reasons my last relationship fell apart – I realized that I should never have to tolerate that kind of behavior.

Your love deserves to be cherished and celebrated.

5) Your partner’s world revolves solely around you

While the above statement is true, there is such a thing as too much affection.

A lack of appreciation is on one side of the spectrum and too much clinginess is on the other. Ideally, you ought to stay somewhere in the middle.

Look, I get it. Relationships are a big deal. 

The person you choose to be with may eventually become your family, and that is huge. It makes complete sense to prioritize your romantic relationship and spend a lot of time with one another.

However, do keep in mind that romance is but one part of the richness that is the human experience.

A healthy long-term relationship consists of two partners who are happy together but who can also enjoy their time apart.

If your partner wants to spend every second of every day with you, if they lack friends and hobbies, and if you feel like you can’t really take a deep breath and relax…

It’s a red flag.

It can be painted over, though – if your partner decides to actively work on themselves, that is.

6) Your partner is way too jealous

A little bit of jealousy never hurt anyone. However, jealousy can very easily get out of hand if you let it, poisoning the relationship at the very foundation it’s built upon: trust.

Feeling a bit protective or territorial is one thing, but extreme jealousy – questioning your partner, going through their phone, making jealous remarks, and showing apprehension when they go out with friends – is something no one should have to tolerate.

Obsessive jealousy displays an obvious lack of trust and respect.  

And if your partner cannot trust you to stay loyal, not only does that undermine your integrity of character but it also means they may not trust themselves enough and are projecting those fears onto you.

So, if this sounds familiar, remember that you haven’t done anything wrong. 

Your partner’s obsessive jealousy has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their low self-esteem.

7) Your partner is manipulative or abusive

It goes without saying that emotional and physical abuse are completely out of the question. No one deserves that kind of treatment. No one.

Emotional manipulation specifically can be quite difficult to recognize if you’ve never read up on it, so here are just a few manipulation tricks to watch out for:

• Gaslighting (making you question your own perception of reality, invalidating your emotions and your memories)
• Projecting (twisting the narrative so that you are perceived as guilty for something they have done or feel themselves)
• Guilt-tripping (forcing you to carry responsibility for their feelings and well-being in order to attract attention and bring about a sense of codependency)

If you’re still unsure, I recommend researching the topic in a bit more depth. The more you know about emotional manipulation, the easier it will be to spot it and shield yourself against it.

It’s also a great idea to speak about your relationship with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist.

 Since they aren’t involved in the situation themselves, they may provide you with a more objective view of the dynamic and offer some advice, as well as emotional support.