Parenting, it’s arguably the most challenging job in the world.

You love your kid, there’s no question about it. But when they mess up, as kids often do, it’s hard to know how to respond.

You’ve tried different approaches, you’ve sought advice, you’ve read all the books, but still, those frustrating moments come. And in the heat of the moment, you might say something you regret.

Often it’s not even a major mistake.

Just a small act of defiance or a minor error in judgment can trigger a response that has you questioning your parenting skills. It’s almost like there’s an internal struggle going on – to scold or not to scold?

Here are 8 things you should never ever say to your child, even when they’re in the wrong, because words do matter and they leave a lasting impact.

1) “I’m disappointed in you”

This is something we as parents often say without thinking.

You see your child making a mistake and your immediate reaction is to express your disappointment. But let’s take a moment here to understand what this does to a child.

When you tell them “I’m disappointed in you”, what they hear is “You’re not good enough”. They don’t just feel like they messed up, they feel like they are the mess up.

Your disappointment, although valid and understandable, should be directed towards the action, not the person. Instead of saying “I’m disappointed in you”, try saying “I’m disappointed with this action”. This way, your child understands that it’s their behavior that needs to change, not them as a person.

After all, the goal is not to belittle or shame them, but to guide them toward better behavior. And that’s a difference that really matters.

2) “You’re just like your [insert relative’s name]”

I remember a time when my daughter had been particularly difficult, pushing all my buttons. In a moment of frustration, I found myself saying, “You’re just like your Aunt Martha.”

Now, Aunt Martha isn’t a terrible person, but she’s known for her stubbornness and I had meant the comparison as a critique.

The moment those words left my mouth, I could see the hurt in my daughter’s eyes.

Here’s the thing. By comparing your child to someone else, especially in a negative light, you’re not addressing their actions. You’re attacking their character. And that can be deeply hurtful.

Even if the comparison seems apt in the heat of the moment, it’s not constructive. It doesn’t help your child understand what they did wrong or how they can do better.

So next time you’re frustrated, instead of drawing comparisons, try addressing the behavior directly. Say something like “What you did was not right because…” and then explain the reasons. Trust me, it makes a world of difference.

3) “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

One afternoon, my son came home upset because he didn’t do well on a math test. He’s always struggled with numbers, unlike his sister who can solve equations in her sleep. In an attempt to motivate him, I found myself saying “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

But as soon as I said it, I realized my mistake. What I had intended as motivation, came out as criticism. Instead of encouraging him to work harder, I was asking him to be someone he’s not.

Each child is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. Comparing them to others only serves to diminish their self-worth and confidence.

The key? 

Appreciate your child for the unique individual they are.

4) “Because I said so”

This is a phrase that parents often resort to when they’re tired, frustrated, or simply out of patience. But did you know that using this phrase can actually hinder your child’s development?

Research shows that when parents provide clear explanations for their rules, children are more likely to comply with them. It also helps them develop their reasoning skills and understand the consequences of their actions.

I recall a time when my son wanted to stay up late on a school night to watch a movie. I initially responded with “No, because I said so.” He was upset and didn’t understand why he couldn’t do what he wanted.

Realizing my mistake, I sat down with him and explained the importance of a good night’s sleep, especially before a school day. It wasn’t an immediate miracle, but over time, he started understanding the reasoning behind the rules and even started following them without much resistance.

5) “I don’t have time for this”

Life is busy, there’s no denying that. Between work, managing a home, and a million other responsibilities, finding time can be a challenge.

But when your child makes a mistake or does something wrong, it’s crucial to find the time to address it properly. Saying “I don’t have time for this” can make your child feel like their problems or feelings are insignificant.

Once, amidst a hectic day of meetings and deadlines, my daughter came to me upset about a fight she had with her friend. I was stressed and didn’t know how to juggle everything at once. In my hurry, I found myself saying “I don’t have time for this”.

The look on her face said it all. I had dismissed her feelings in my rush.

Instead of brushing off their concerns, try saying something like “I’m really busy right now, but let’s talk about this later”. Make sure you do follow up on that promise though. By doing so, you show your child that their problems matter and you’re there to help them navigate through life’s challenges.

6) “You’ll understand when you’re older”

This phrase, as harmless as it may seem, can actually create a barrier between you and your child.

Children are naturally curious and eager to understand the world around them. By dismissing their questions or concerns with “You’ll understand when you’re older”, you may inadvertently shut down their curiosity.

I remember when my young son asked me why it was wrong to lie. Instead of taking the time to explain, I brushed him off with “You’ll understand when you’re older”. He seemed to accept it at that moment, but I realized later that I had missed an opportunity to teach him an important life lesson.

My advice?

Instead of putting off their questions, take a moment to explain in terms they can understand.

It might require some patience and creativity on your part, but it will be worth it when you see them learn and grow.

7) “Stop crying”

Telling a child to stop crying is akin to telling them to stop feeling.

Emotions are a crucial part of our human existence, and learning to express and manage these feelings is a key aspect of growing up.

I learned this lesson the hard way. My son was crying because he lost his favorite toy. In my mind, it seemed like a trivial reason to cry, so I told him to stop. But later, I realized that to him, that toy meant a lot more.

Telling a child to stop crying not only invalidates their feelings but also sends a message that displaying emotions is wrong.

Instead, try comforting your child and helping them understand their feelings. You could say something like “I can see you’re upset because you lost your toy. It’s okay to be sad.”

By acknowledging their emotions, you help them understand their feelings better and guide them toward healthily expressing themselves.

8) “You’re a bad kid”

This one is perhaps the most damaging of all. When a child does something wrong, it’s easy to label them as “bad”. But this can have lasting impacts on their self-esteem and self-worth.

It’s crucial to understand that children make mistakes – just like adults. Labeling them as “bad” for these mistakes doesn’t help them learn or grow. Instead, it makes them internalize this negative image of themselves.

I recall an instance when my daughter had lied to me about completing her homework. In my anger, I said, “You’re a bad kid for lying.” Later, I realized the impact of my words when she started calling herself ‘bad’.

From that day, I made a conscious effort to address the action, not the person. Instead of saying “You’re a bad kid”, I now say, “What you did was wrong because lying is not acceptable.”

The difference is subtle but significant. It ensures your child understands that they are not inherently bad or flawed but have simply made a poor choice that they can learn from.

Ultimately, it’s our job as parents to guide our children through their mistakes and help them become better, not to label or limit them.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these phrases in your parenting vocabulary doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. In fact, the very act of acknowledging these pitfalls is a step towards becoming a better one.

Parenting, in all its complexities, is a journey of growth and learning – for both you and your child. The key lies in understanding that words carry weight and can influence your child’s self-perception and behavior.

The beauty of this journey is that every day offers a fresh opportunity to do better. Each conversation is a chance to reinforce positive communication and build stronger bonds with your child.

Your words can either build your child or break them. Choose them wisely.

Take these insights and incorporate them into your daily conversations with your child. 

Prioritize open and honest communication above all else. This approach not only helps children understand their actions but also fosters an environment of trust and respect.