6 things you should never assume about other people, according to psychology
Let’s be frank with each other for a second, just you and I.
We both make assumptions about other people.
The moment you see someone, your mind immediately categorizes them based on the first impression. It is only when you get to know them better that your opinion adjusts and grows.
The human brain is very good at assumptions, and to a certain extent, it will always jump to conclusions no matter how much of an open-minded person you are.
But there is a world of difference between someone who considers their assumptions to be fact and acts on them, and someone who second-guesses them and tries to remain objective.
So, here goes…
These are the 6 things you should never assume about other people.
1) What they think of you
“Has there been any time this week you were frustrated with your spouse, significant other or a family member because they just didn’t get it?” asks expert of human behavior, Beverly D. Flaxington, in her post for Psychology Today.
“Did you think they ‘should just know’ what you meant, or what you were talking about? All too often during each day, for multiple communication exchanges, we assume that someone else knows what we mean.”
She continues to explain that assumptions in this context can be very destructive. You should never just assume that other people can see inside your head. Clear and assertive communication is vital.
The same goes for people’s opinions of you.
Both of us have probably found ourselves in a situation here and there when we thought, “Ugh, X must hate me” or “I don’t think Z likes me very much.”
How often has that turned out to be true, though?
More often than not, our assumptions about other people’s opinions of us are rooted in our own insecurities, worries, and projections.
If you’re worried about whether you come across as rude, you’ll be more likely to second-guess everything that comes out of your mouth and overthink others’ reactions to it.
You never know what people actually think about you – unless you ask them.
2) How a certain situation makes them feel
In her book The Selfish Romantic: How to Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself, life coach Michelle Elman shares a story of a time when she and a man in her friend group kissed, only for him to act very distant the next time they met.
When asked about why he acted so strange around Michelle, he replied he didn’t want to lead her on.
Little did he know that Michelle had no interest in him on that level and hadn’t even considered the kiss to be such a big deal.
“Who said I was interested in him?” she writes. “I wanted to forget the kiss so much that I hadn’t told anyone – meanwhile, he had told himself a story in his head that he was so irresistible that a cordial hug would leave me picturing our wedding together.”
This is the perfect example of why you shouldn’t assume how other people feel at any given moment. Sure, you can try to wager a guess. You might even be right.
But if you make an assumption and then act on it only to find out the reality is completely different, you’re just complicating your life (and possibly other people’s, too).
If you aren’t quite sure about another person’s feelings on a certain matter, talk to them about it. You’re not a mind-reader.
3) That they’re going down the traditional heteronormative dating path
Date a person of the opposite gender, get married, buy a house, get a bunch of kids, and live happily ever after.
That is the path we are all seemingly meant to choose.
Don’t get me wrong, the majority of people do, in fact, go down this route, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. As long as you’re both emotionally mature individuals who are always ready to talk things out and are committed to the same goals, a life like this sounds wonderful.
But we shouldn’t just assume that’s what everyone wants.
The person you’re talking to might be attracted to the same gender; they may be opposed to the idea of marriage; they might not want to or can’t have children; they could really enjoy being single and just see where life takes them.
As someone who got out of a straight long-term relationship a few years ago and has been single ever since, I am constantly met with assumptions about the next steps in my dating life.
Everyone expects me to find a new partner, get married, and join the norm.
But what if there is more to life than that? What if singledom makes me really happy right now?
People are more complex than the traditional set of steps we are meant to follow.
4) How their current social status reflects their hardships in life (or the lack thereof)
Just because someone has a posh accent doesn’t mean they didn’t go through significant hardship long before you met them.
Just because someone’s a millionaire doesn’t mean they didn’t grow up in financial scarcity.
Unfortunately, far too many people judge too harshly and too soon. Just look at what happened to my friend, for example.
She was born in Slovakia, which meant she went skiing every winter because it was a very common thing to do – even if you were part of the working class, which her family very much was.
Once she moved to the UK and told people she loved to ski, though, everyone just straight-up assumed she came from a rich family simply because it is mostly Brits who can afford to travel outside of the UK who can actually learn to ski.
You can never know the extent of someone’s hardships, be it financial, emotional, physical, or otherwise.
If you notice yourself jumping to conclusions, ask yourself, “Is this my own assumption? Or is it based on real fact?”
5) What their exercise routine and diet are like
When I was younger, I was super skinny. It wasn’t uncommon for people to tell me I had the body of a model.
I was also extremely exhausted all the damn time. I had to have a nap every afternoon just to make it through the day, not to mention I got cold very easily and was hungry 24/7.
I had no exercise routine. I ate rubbish food. I was skinny, but there was no kind of real effort to make it so.
Years later, I gained quite a lot of weight. Then I started going to the gym and found out I really enjoyed it. For quite a long period of time, my BMI was higher than the norm, and yet I could do things my younger self could have only dreamed of.
I was stronger. I was fitter. For the first time in my life, I could climb up a hill and actually enjoy it because my legs were strong enough to carry me.
If you saw those two versions of me next to each other, your first assumption would probably be that the skinny one is healthier and fitter, yet that wasn’t the case at all.
What’s more, you never know what issues people are struggling with underneath the surface, what their health is like, and what experiences have led them to this point in life.
If you just go ahead and assume, there’s a 100% chance you’ll get it wrong because you’ll never know the whole picture.
6) If they fit into a specific “category” of people
We like to think of people in categories – even if we don’t realize it.
There’s your average hipster. Then there’s a metalhead, nerd, cheerleader, “basic” girl, hippie backpacker, you name it, there’s a category for it.
Obviously, most people can’t be folded and placed into a neat little drawer. We are so much more complex than that. But that doesn’t stop us from trying to determine what kind of person we’re dealing with based on which category fits them best.
Look, I’m not the thought police. If a first impression of someone makes you assume they are a certain type of person, so be it.
But try not to fall for these assumptions. Instead, take a step back, analyze them for what they are, and realize that the person you’re dealing with is so much more than meets the eye.
A vast, colorful, and multifaceted universe of their own.