Ever walked away from an argument feeling completely drained and wondering how the conversation spiraled so far off track?

If so, you might have been dealing with a narcissist.

Narcissists have a unique way of twisting arguments to maintain control, deflect blame, and keep you on the defensive.

Through the lens of psychology, we can uncover their go-to tactics—the topics they love to bring up to manipulate the situation and shift the power dynamics in their favor.

In this article, we’ll break down 8 things narcissists often bring up during arguments, so you can recognize the signs, protect your boundaries, and regain control of the conversation.

1) Past mistakes

Engaging in an argument with a narcissist can often feel like traversing a minefield.

One of the first things they tend to bring up is your past mistakes.

Narcissists have a knack for keeping a mental catalogue of every error you’ve ever made.

They keep these on hand, ready to be unleashed whenever an argument arises.

It’s a classic diversion tactic, steering the conversation away from the current issue and shining the spotlight back onto you.

This often leaves their opponent feeling defensive and off-balance, giving the narcissist the upper hand in the argument.

2) Double standards

Another thing I’ve noticed about narcissists in my own life is their love for double standards.

They have a unique ability to twist an argument in a way that their faults become your faults.

This is especially true when it comes to setting the rules.

I remember arguing with a narcissistic friend who always insisted on punctuality.

However, when he arrived late for our meet-ups, he would brush it off with an excuse and expect me to be understanding.

When I confronted him about his double standards, he quickly turned the argument around and accused me of being too sensitive and rigid.

Narcissists love to bring up double standards because it allows them to evade responsibility while still holding others accountable.

It’s a crafty move that can leave you second-guessing your own judgment.

3) Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term that originated from the 1944 film “Gaslight.”

In the movie, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane by subtly altering her environment and then denying it.

This manipulation tactic is a narcissist’s favorite card to play in an argument.

They’ll insist that their version of events is the only correct one and that your memory or perception is flawed.

This can lead to you doubting your own reality, questioning your memory, and even feeling like you’re losing your mind.

It’s a powerful and destructive tool in the hands of a narcissist, making it one of their go-to strategies during an argument.

4) Personal attacks

When cornered in an argument, narcissists often resort to personal attacks.

This is their way of deflecting from the issue at hand and shifting the focus onto you.

They may criticize your character, your looks, or your abilities, with a goal to destabilize and undermine you.

This sudden shift can throw you off balance and make you feel defensive, putting them in a position of power.

Understanding this tactic is crucial in standing up to a narcissist.

Being aware that these attacks are a means of distraction can help you stay focused on the issue at hand and avoid getting drawn into their game.

5) Emotional blackmail

Narcissists have a way of pulling at your heartstrings.

They’re not above using emotional blackmail to win an argument.

They may:

• Bring up past instances when you’ve let them down
• Make you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations
• Threaten to harm themselves or end the relationship if they don’t get their way

This can leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, always trying to avoid saying or doing something that might upset them.

It’s heartbreaking to see a loved one being manipulated this way.

If you find yourself in this situation, remember that it’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions. It’s important to set boundaries and seek professional help if needed.

6) Projection

Projection is when a narcissist accuses you of the very behavior they’re guilty of.

This tactic acts as a smokescreen, diverting attention away from their actions and onto yours.

I’ll never forget the time when a former colleague, known for his quick temper, accused me of being “too emotional” during a heated discussion.

I felt invalidated and confused, questioning my own reactions.

It took me a while to realize that he was projecting his inability to handle emotions onto me.

Understanding projection can help you see through the narcissist’s claims and avoid taking them to heart.

It’s their way of dealing with their own insecurities, not a reflection of your character.

7) The victim card

Narcissists are experts at playing the victim card.

Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, they’ll find a way to twist the narrative and paint themselves as the aggrieved party.

They may recount past hurts or injustices, trying to elicit sympathy and divert blame.

This tactic can be incredibly frustrating, as it makes it difficult to hold them accountable for their actions.

Don’t let a narcissist’s victim-playing sway you from addressing the real issues at hand.

Everyone has past hurts, but it’s not an excuse to mistreat others or evade responsibility.

8) The silent treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation that narcissists often resort to.

Rather than addressing the issue or engaging in constructive dialogue, they give you the cold shoulder.

This tactic is designed to make you feel anxious, guilty, or desperate enough to concede to their demands.

It’s a controlling move, aimed at asserting dominance and making you feel powerless.

Remember, communication is fundamental in resolving any conflict.

If someone resorts to the silent treatment, it’s a sign of their inability to engage in healthy dialogue, not a reflection of your worth.

Final reflection: Turning knowledge into power

Arguing with a narcissist can feel like being caught in a never-ending loop of blame, deflection, and manipulation. 

By understanding the 8 things they love to bring up, you can start to recognize these patterns and protect yourself from getting drawn into their games.

The goal of a narcissist in an argument is control—not resolution.

The more you understand their tactics, the better equipped you’ll be to disengage, set boundaries, and maintain your peace of mind.