Let’s talk about introverts. Specifically, let’s talk about the things that we secretly crave.

As an introvert myself, this article feels very personal to me since there are a lot of common misconceptions about us, right? And one of the biggest ones is that we just want to be alone forever.

And while that checks out for some introverts, it’s not for everyone. We can’t assume traits wholesale, with no context or nuance.  

Another misconception is that we’re all quiet people. In the same way that there can be quiet extroverts, there can also be loud introverts.

What about the idea that we hate interacting with others all the time? Or that we’re painfully shy, naive, or timid. Or that we aren’t fighters? Or that we’re not passionate. 

If you’re a fellow introvert, you’re probably laughing now. 

So with that: Introverts, assemble! (Preferably at a distance, with enough snacks, and high-speed internet. I digress.)

Here are 5 things introverts secretly crave, according to psychology.

1) Genuine connection

“An authentic connection is a genuine and real connection with someone else in the present moment. We all wear masks and build facades to protect ourselves, but humans naturally crave interaction and connection with other humans. Showing vulnerability and sharing your true self with someone else starts with the ability to listen and sit in their space, in order for them to want to share their world with you.”

– Pamela S. Willsey LICSW, BCD, PCC | Creating Authentic Connections

There’s a common misconception that introverts don’t like other people and that being alone forever is the goal. 

To be fair, we can’t discount that as that’s a goal for a lot of people, but not necessarily for just introverts.

And that’s because as humans, there’s a fundamental need in us for genuine connection. Some of us could spend lifetimes searching for it. 

Introverts are no different. 

But what do I mean by genuine connection? 

Well, to be understood even without saying anything. To be loved without pretense. To be accepted, genuinely accepted for all that you are and all that you can be. To be so comfortable that your brand of quiet fits so well with theirs.

A connection so genuine that there’s no confusion, no pain, and no sadness. 

2) Understanding

“The psychological need to be understood is universal and basic to who we are as human beings.   “Understanding” has an important psychosocial function and is one of the basic moves in the dance of social communication and conversation.”

– Dr. Marjorie Schuman | On The Importance of Being Understood

I truly believe that being understood is something we don’t talk about enough. We always talk about being loved, being cared for, being cherished, but what about being understood? 

Perhaps because love is not a prerequisite to this, it’s not a popular topic. (After all, people can love you and not get you.) However, what it requires is respect and trust. 

Respect and trust that you know what you are doing and what’s best for you. To have your motives understood. Your actions. Your dreams. Your personality.

How we love. Who we are. Who we could be. That level of understanding. That.

In a world of misconceptions about introverts, being understood feels like home. A good one.

3) Meaningful social interactions

“Being introverted doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is shy. An introvert is someone who draws energy from spending time alone. On the other hand, an extrovert is someone who is energized by being around other people.”

– Cole Johnson, psychotherapist | The Social Introvert: Making Deals And Playing To Your Strengths

Introverts aren’t against social interactions, introverts are just selectively social. Sometimes, even meticulously selective.

We have limited energy for social interactions as it is, so mindlessly spending it? That’s a no–go. 

And so a craving for meaningful social interactions isn’t even that much of a secret. Also, “meaningful” can vary from person to person. 

I, for one, consider it meaningful when I learn something new from someone. I also consider a casual hangout with close friends to be meaningful. That might be mundane to some, but to me, that means the world. 

What about you?

4) A judgment-free zone

I mean this very fondly, okay, but introverts are weird. I’m saying this because I’m an introvert and I’m friends with a lot of introverts, too. 

We’re weird, in the best way possible. 

That’s why a judgment-free zone is so important. A place to just be. A person you can just be totally transparent with. A place you can unclench your jaw and let your shoulders drop. A person who’d accept all your quirks. 

A place to truly be yourself. 

Some things to remember to be a safer space for introverts, from an introvert.

• Ask them to participate, but respect them if they don’t want to

Making people feel included goes a long way. Ask and never assume if they want to or don’t want to participate. 

Remember, though, that the difference between getting introverts out of their comfort zone and being too pushy is how insistent you are after they say no. 

Respect when they decline. Try again next time if you’re up for it. 

• Do not weaponize shame 

Do not shame them into joining. Do not use words like “Finally! (You’ve decided to come join us.)” Do not make them feel like they’re excluded for not participating. 

• Show appreciation 

And I don’t mean to make a big deal out of it, just let them know that you appreciate their effort. Or that you like that they’re there. 

Something as simple as “Thank you for coming!” can go a long way. 

5) Autonomy 

“When people experience autonomy, they have a sense of psychological freedom, control, and choice. Instead of feeling as if outside forces direct behaviors, it allows people to feel that they have a sense of power and control over their own destiny.”

– Kendra Cherry, MSEd | Autonomy in Psychology—What It Means and How to Be More Autonomous

And finally for this list, autonomy. Introverts crave the freedom of getting to choose—the freedom to decide what they want. 

To have that much agency over how they want their life to go. To not be bound by expectations that are more tailored to extroverts. To not be bound by judgment. 

To not be bound by misconceptions. To not be bound by a world that won’t stop talking. To not be bound by a world that keeps trying to change them.

To not be bound by what the world wants them to be but instead who they want to be.

Introverts crave that freedom. That independence. That autonomy.