As an introvert, I’ve had my fair share of relationships that fizzled out because I just didn’t get what I needed. 

It wasn’t that my partners didn’t care or they weren’t nice people. It’s more because it was hard for them to understand the little things that help me feel connected and comfortable.

Are we a complicated lot? Hmm…not really. Not if you know what makes an introvert tick. 

So, today, let’s explore that. What exactly makes introverts feel safe, seen and appreciated? 

Here are seven things introverts find especially attractive in a partner, according to psychology. 

1) Respect for personal space and alone time

The first thing you have to understand about introversion is that it’s a personality type that gathers energy from solo time and space. 

Which means, if they ask to be alone for a while, it’s not about you at all. It’s simply their way of saying that they need to recharge their batteries. 

In my past relationships, this was something my partners often misunderstood. They would take it personally whenever I needed some alone time. They’d either take it to mean that I was upset or I was pushing them away.

But really, it’s nothing personal. 

In fact, I’d say that the opposite is true – force an introvert to stay connected all the time, and I guarantee that half that time, they will be disconnected, tuned out, and fatigued. 

So a partner who gets this and respects this need is incredibly attractive. It’s a huge relief when someone understands every time you need to retreat. 

This brings me to the next point…

2) Patience and understanding

I won’t deny that being with an introvert can probably feel frustrating at times. 

We tend to be reserved and harder to read. We take our time thinking through things and giving a response. 

We also tend to be picky about the social settings we attend. Some of us even fade into the background or disappear when we’re stuck for too long at a social event. 

An ex of mine once said that it can feel diva-ish at times, like I have all these “requirements” to feel comfortable. 

And I totally get it. I understand how confusing and annoying all of these habits can be for a more extroverted partner. 

That’s why patience and understanding are incredibly attractive traits in a partner. When someone doesn’t rush us to speak or doesn’t pressure us to stay at a party we’re ready to leave, it feels like they truly get us. 

3) Thoughtfulness and kindness

If you want to impress an introvert, I say forget the grand gestures. Forget planning a big, flashy date or a surprise party with tons of people. 

Like I said, we’re not divas. We don’t need those over-the-top displays of affection. In fact, things that are “too much” can scare us away instead of attract us.

A better route would be to focus on small, thoughtful gestures. On things that show you really pay attention and understand us. 

Scientist and psychologist Gary Klein offers a peek into the introvert personality that explains this: 

“Research suggests that introverts are more observant than their extraverted counterparts, and this attribute is important to innovation because they can size up your felt needs and frustrations more adequately.”

Now, he was talking about this strength in the context of the workplace, but it also applies to personal relationships. 

Since introverts are excellent observers, it makes sense that they appreciate this quality as well in a partner. They love knowing that their partner is also observing them and actively thinking of small ways to make them happy. 

To add to that, introverts prefer a lower-key version of happiness because they tend to get overstimulated easily. This is what scientists call a “low arousal threshold”. 

In short, it doesn’t take much to make them happy – they are experts at finding joy in the little things! 

4) Great listening skills

Introverts are excellent listeners, too, so that’s another quality they appreciate in a partner. 

But besides that, introverts need to feel emotional safety first before they can open up. So, to gain their trust, you need to show that you’re an active listener who’s truly interested in what they have to say. 

As life coach Sherri Gordon writes in Very Well Mind: 

“Your introverted partner is more likely to open up and share their innermost thoughts when they not only feel that they will be listened to but also that you are a safe person to share personal details with.

“If they feel like they have to constantly compete with you when it comes to talking or if you do all the talking, they will simply listen and not share much.”

5) Emotional depth

Another thing you should know about introverts is that they’re not really interested in making small talk. 

Remember, they’ve got limited social battery. So they’d rather dive into meaningful conversations about life, values, and other such deeper topics than squander that limited energy away on superficial matters. 

Plus, introversion is an inward-driven personality type. This means the inner world – thoughts, emotions, experiences – is always going to be more fascinating to introverts. 

If you have this kind of emotional depth in you and you’re willing to be vulnerable, trust me, you’ll be quite attractive to introverts! 

6) Intellectual curiosity and flexibility

Intellectual depth matters just as much as emotional depth to introverts.

Like I said, they prefer to spend energy on more hefty matters. Why talk about the weather when we could be debating the mysteries of the universe or pondering the meaning of life?

Introverts appreciate partners who enjoy more complex topics like they do, such as philosophy, science, spirituality and the like. 

There’s nothing sexier than a partner who shares that intellectual curiosity and isn’t afraid to challenge their thinking. 

So if you can hold your own in a profound and mind-bending conversation, you likely have what it takes to capture an introvert’s heart. 

7) Independence

Speaking of holding your own brings me to this last quality – independence. 

Introverts prefer partners who don’t need them to be “on” all the time. Partners who have their own thing going on and can thrive without constant attention. 

In other words, introverts are attracted to independent, low-maintenance people. 

Why? Again, this comes down to their own sense of independence, their own need for alone time. 

It means they can recharge when they need to without feeling guilty, and trust me, that makes for a much happier and healthier relationship.

Final thoughts

Does this sound like the best match for an introvert is…a fellow introvert? 

Maybe, but that doesn’t mean extroverts are out of the picture. In fact, I know a lot of extrovert-introvert couples who are perfectly happy together, and it’s all because they’re mindful of each other’s needs. 

This goes to show that when it comes to love, it’s not about finding someone who’s exactly like you. The goal is to find someone who complements you and makes you feel seen and understood.