7 things confident people do differently in social situations, according to psychology

Lucas Graham by Lucas Graham | August 12, 2024, 2:32 pm

You might think that someone who always steals the spotlight, constantly seeks conflict, and stubbornly attempts to persuade everyone of their own truth is naturally confident.

But that’s not true. Far from it.

Why?

Because insecurity is loud and confidence is quiet.

Sure, confident people can be the center of attention, too. They do express their opinions. They do put forth convincing arguments. But they do so in a balanced manner, without letting their ego get the better of them.

In other words, they always try to act in accordance with their highest self.

Want examples?

Coming right up. Here are the 7 things confident people do differently in social situations.

1) Their main goal is understanding rather than validation

“One learns more by listening than by talking,” says psychologist Rick Hanson, Ph.D.

“Being a good listener brings many benefits: gathering helpful information, making others feel like they matter to you, sustaining a sense of connection with people, and stepping out of your familiar frame of reference.”

But what does this have to do with confident people?

A lot, actually.  

The thing is, someone who’s genuinely confident doesn’t feel any need to seek validation from other people. They don’t converse with them in order to impress them, boast, or receive compliments.

They are led by curiosity rather than insecurity. And that means that their primary aim is to get a better understanding of who the other person is, how their mind works, and what their perspective is like.

Insecure people seek to be understood; confident people seek to understand.

2) They speak up for themselves

As mentioned above, the fact that confidence is quiet doesn’t mean confident people don’t voice their disapproval or never garner attention.

It’s more about the manner in which they go about it.

Imagine you’ve gotten the wrong order at the restaurant.

While a people-pleaser might refuse to tell the waiter and just eat whatever it is they got so that they don’t “bother” anyone, an insecure person who puts on a confident front may cause a scene, ask to speak with the manager, and write a bad review online.

Someone who’s truly confident and assertive knows how to find the sweet spot in the middle. They don’t make a big deal out of it, but they also speak up for themselves and ask for the right order.

The same goes for setting boundaries in relationships, saying no, or expressing discomfort.

You deserve to claim your space. You deserve to be heard. But you can also do all those things in a polite and respectful way.

3) They aren’t afraid to call people out

On a similar note, confidence is all about the ability to tell people what you truly think – while keeping things civil.

One of my best friends was recently on a bus that broke down halfway to the airport. One of the travelers treated the driver very disrespectfully, taking all her frustration out on him because she didn’t give herself enough time before her flight was due.

Most people kept quiet. But not my friend. She called the woman out, telling her that this kind of approach wouldn’t solve anything and that they should de-escalate.

It wasn’t easy for her to step in, but she also knew the driver would appreciate it if someone could back him up.

Look, conflict is never comfortable.

But while plenty of us run away from it or try to pretend it doesn’t exist, those who are truly confident embrace their discomfort and dive in. They know that the best way to approach conflict is to face it head-on.

4) They put themselves out there

Speaking of discomfort, imagine coming up to a stranger and asking them out on a date.

It’s terrifying, isn’t it?

Surely, confident people don’t feel that kind of fear. Surely, they’ve got some secret superpower that makes all their anxiety dissipate.

I’m sorry to break it to you, but a great deal of confidence comes down to practice. Yes, confident people experience anxiety, nervousness, and stress. The difference is that they don’t let those uncomfortable feelings stop them.

And the more they expose themselves to scary situations, the easier it becomes to get out there and live the life they want.

If you go on five dates, you will probably still feel anxious before the 6th one. If you go on thirty, the 31st will feel like a breeze.

The secret of courage isn’t a lack of fear. It’s the willingness to face your fear and go ahead in spite of it.

5) They don’t get rattled all that easily

“Being confident means knowing that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you’ll face,” according to psychologists.

This is where emotional self-regulation comes in.

If you haven’t heard the term before, emotional self-regulation is the ability to recognize, process, and regulate your feelings, and it’s one of the five crucial aspects of emotional intelligence.

It’s also the magic recipe for keeping your cool in stressful situations, from standing in a long queue to preparing for an exam.

Again, this doesn’t mean confident people don’t get stressed or anxious. It just means they know the right self-soothing strategies to keep their emotions in check and to accept the present moment for what it is.

When someone tries to drag them into a heated argument, they don’t succumb.

When they get stuck in traffic, they don’t have an emotional breakdown.

When they get really frustrated, they don’t snap at people or make passive-aggressive remarks to blow off some steam.

They always try to listen to their higher self where emotions are concerned, which is also why they come off as such confident individuals – they don’t get riled up all that easily.

6) They refuse to badmouth others

Did you know that anxious, insecure, and uncertain people are more likely to spread gossip?

Experts say that gossip can be a defense mechanism that gives us a feeling of power and serves as a distraction when our own lives are spiraling out of control.

You might think that someone who spreads rumours is pretty confident – they may do so because they feel superior to others, after all – but more often than not, it signals insecurity and avoidance.

People who are genuinely confident rarely badmouth other people.

This isn’t to say they don’t engage in the occasional gossip (what happened with whom and where), but saying mean things behind someone’s back isn’t really their way of dealing with issues.

If they don’t like something another person has done or said, they bring it up with them and try to solve it.

7) They admit when they’re in the wrong

Finally, confidence isn’t just about the ability to speak your mind and go after your goals.

It’s also the willingness to admit you’ve made a mistake, apologize, and work on yourself so that you learn and grow.

As experts say, humility and confidence need each other.

According to an article by Character Lab:

“We’re learning that you need a certain amount of self-esteem to be humble—you need to have some basic belief in your capacity to give voice to your own questions or confusion. At the same time, confidence needs intellectual humility or else it becomes miscalibrated, it becomes foolish. Confidence and intellectual humility fit together.”

So, if you ever feel silly admitting to having made a mistake, remember that it is in laying ourselves bare that we show our true confidence.

It is in humility that our self-esteem truly shines.