Contrary to popular belief, elegance isn’t about how well you dress or whether you go to the spa every weekend.

It’s not really about money or style at all.

What is it then that makes someone classy and elegant? Is it the way they talk? Is it the level of emotional maturity that does the trick? Or is it some secret mojo, a je-ne-sais-quoi of sorts?

Well, it’s a bit of everything.

Most of all, though, the key to elegance lies in your behavior.

Keen to learn more?

Here are the 8 things classy and elegant women do differently in social situations.

1) They don’t let anything rattle them

Let’s kick this off with the most important one of all: emotional self-regulation.

A vital part of emotional intelligence, self-regulation is the ability to name, process, and stay in control of your feelings.

If you get angry, you remain calm and collected instead of snapping at people.

If you’re suddenly overcome by sadness, you subtly remove yourself from the social situation and take five minutes to yourself in the bathroom or talk about it to the person you’re hanging out with.

If you feel frustrated, you take a few deep breaths and try to calm down.

This doesn’t mean that elegant women don’t allow themselves to feel upset, mind you. It just means they know how to pick the right time and place for emotional expression.

If they find themselves in a situation where an angry outburst wouldn’t really be appropriate, they put their anger on hold and then punch some pillows or go for a jog once they get home.

In public, though, they present a calm front, which helps them appear graceful and in charge of themselves.

2) They communicate their needs clearly and directly

Next up, we have communication, that is, the one skill that psychologists recommend we work on again and again.

There’s a reason why assertive and direct communication is so incredibly powerful – not only does it make interpersonal relationships much easier to navigate but it also gives you an aura of healthy confidence and, of course, elegance.

Remember, though: the key is to be assertive, not rude or passive-aggressive. It’s vital that you use a respectful tone of voice when communicating your needs and wishes.

In other words, tell people exactly what you want, but don’t be an a** about it.

3) They set and honor their boundaries

Speaking of communication, another thing classy and elegant women excel at is the art of boundary-setting.

Contrary to what you might think, boundaries serve to unite people and strengthen relationships – as long as they’re communicated well, that is.

Of course, you can’t control how other people react to your boundaries, which means there’s always an element of uncertainty.

But if you do your best to state where your boundaries lie and reaffirm them as necessary, you’ve completed your task successfully.

And why is boundary-setting classy, you may ask?

Because it shows you know yourself extremely well and aren’t afraid to show others precisely what you want and don’t want. In short, it shows self-assuredness.

4) They don’t people-please

You’ve probably already guessed this one, but it bears mentioning nonetheless.

There is nothing classy or elegant about people-pleasing. 

In fact, people-pleasing is quite self-sabotaging behavior – while your goal is to make everyone like you and appear as nice as possible, there’s a high chance other people won’t hold you in high esteem precisely due to your people-pleasing tendencies.

It is when we exhibit confidence and self-respect that others begin to respect us, too.

It is classy to prioritize your mental well-being. It is classy to say no. It is classy not to bend over backward for others.

5) They’re the perfect combination of confident and humble

We’ve spoken a great deal about confidence in this article, but it’s important to point out that there’s a world of difference between confidence and arrogance.

And the thing that separates the two is… drumroll, please… humility.

While many people think of humility as something bad – they consider it to be the synonym of meekness, for instance – it’s actually an amazing trait if you know how to balance it well with confidence.

Let me explain.

Confidence is what helps you pursue your goals, believe in yourself, set boundaries, and love yourself in your entirety.

Humility is what keeps you in check, allows you to accept criticism with open-mindedness and grace, gives you the space to self-reflect, and reminds you that there’s always room for improvement.

Mix them together, and you’ve got a wonderful cocktail of elegance and class.

6) They make careful and firm decisions

An amazing side-effect of the above-mentioned combo is that classy women make for great decision-makers.

This is because they’re humble enough not to rush into anything – they know they’ve got to think things through and possibly ask for other people’s opinions before making any major decisions – but they’re also confident enough to stick by their choices once they do take action.

This allows them to present a firm front without being stubborn.

A win-win.

7) They speak with intention

Elegant women aren’t only careful about the kinds of big decisions they make but also about what they say and how they say it.

They’re highly aware of the fact that words have power, and so they pay careful attention to how they express themselves in social situations.

This might mean they speak at a slower pace than usual, but if they’re confident, you won’t really be able to tell – just look at Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones.

The slow pace at which she speaks actually adds to her elegance rather than diminishing it because it displays she’s not rushing anywhere and talks with intention.

8) They have great listening skills

On a final point, you will never catch an elegant woman rambling on and on without asking you any questions about yourself.

On the contrary, they make for excellent listeners because they enjoy engaging in intentional, intellectually stimulating, and present conversations that teach them something new about the other person.

When you’re chatting with a classy and elegant woman, you feel heard, understood, and emotionally supported.

And that’s probably the most important factor when it comes to elegance: the ability to make others feel genuinely safe and authentic when they’re in your presence.

If you’re friends with or dating a woman who can do precisely that…

You’ve hit the jackpot.