If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know it can be a complex and challenging experience.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a certified mental health condition, not a lifestyle choice.

It affects people differently, making each relationship unique in its challenges.

A narcissist’s need for control often defines the dynamic of the relationship.

When they feel this control slipping, they may resort to subtle tactics that can leave you feeling unsure and unsteady.

As difficult as it is to deal with a narcissist, it does get easier if you know what these tactics are.

So today, let’s talk about that.

Here are seven subtle things a narcissist does when they find that they’re losing control over you.

1) They resort to gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic narcissists often use when they feel their grip on you is loosening.

This involves them making you question your own reality, memories, or perception.

For example, a narcissist might deny doing something hurtful or argue that you’re remembering it wrong.

They may say, “That never happened” or “You’re just being sensitive.”

The aim of this maneuver is to make you doubt your own experiences and ultimately your sanity.

You become confused and begin questioning whether you’re being too demanding or unreasonable, while all you’re actually doing is expressing legitimate concerns or needs.

This tactic not only allows the narcissist to regain control but also provides them with the narcissistic supply they crave – your confusion, self-doubt, and dependence on their version of reality.

Don’t fall for it. You know what you’ve seen and heard — trust your perception. 

2) They become unexpectedly generous

In a surprising turn of events, a narcissist might start showering you with gifts, compliments, or acts of kindness when they feel they’re losing control.

Be careful — this isn’t a genuine change of heart but a calculated move.

While this may seem like a positive change, it’s crucial to understand the motive behind it.

You see, it’s not really about making amends or showing love, but rather a way to regain control.

By being generous, they aim to make you feel indebted or guilty for questioning their behavior or considering leaving.

This sudden generosity can confuse and make you second guess your feelings about the relationship.

You may feel guilty for your perceived doubts and criticisms, which is exactly what the narcissist wants.

Be cautious about accepting these unexpected gifts and favors. Recognize this as a strategy, not a sincere gesture of goodwill.

3) They mimic your behavior

Narcissists are known to mirror the behavior of those they want to control.

This means they will start adopting your interests, style, or even mannerisms.

Why? Well, the reason for this is twofold.

Firstly, it acts as a charm offensive, making you feel more connected to them and blurring the boundaries between your individual identities.

They make you feel special and understood, thus re-establishing their control.

Secondly, the act of mirroring is a powerful tool in influencing people’s feelings and behaviors.

When we see someone reflecting our own behavior, we’re more likely to feel empathy for them, leading to increased trust and rapport.

As psychotherapist Sherry Gaba points out, “This false sense of intimacy reinforces the narcissist’s control over the victim.”

4) They’ll share their vulnerabilities

 

 

Speaking of false intimacy, another trick a narcissist might use to regain control is to be vulnerable (or appear to be).

They might start opening up about their insecurities or past traumas.

This can seem like they are finally letting their guard down and allowing you to see their true selves.

If you’re not careful, they’ll pull at your heartstrings– after all, it always feels special when you’re so trusted.

You might feel the urge to comfort them, to reassure them that you are there for them.

This re-establishes the bond, making you feel needed and effectively pulling you back into their sphere of control.

While it’s natural to want to support someone you care about when they share their vulnerabilities, it’s important to remember that with a narcissist, this could be yet another tactic.

It’s always good to have empathy, but it’s even better to have informed empathy, aware of the dynamics at play.

5) They’ll bring up shared memories

Narcissists also have a knack for nostalgia when they sense their control is waning.

Let’s face it — nostalgia does have a powerful pull.

It can make you remember the good times and overlook the not-so-good ones.

A narcissist knows this and will use it to their advantage.

When they feel you’re slipping away, they might bring up shared memories or talk about “how good things used to be” between you two.

It’s a subtle way to remind you of happier times, making you question if things were really as bad as they seem now.

They’ll reminisce about moments when you felt close or appreciated, trying to make you believe those feelings are worth holding onto.

But here’s the thing: by focusing on these selective memories, they’re essentially rewriting the narrative, hoping you’ll ignore the reality of the present.

It’s a tactic to make you doubt your decision to pull away or set boundaries.

Instead of being drawn in, remind yourself that the past isn’t the full story—especially if those good times came with manipulation or control.

Remember to differentiate between past happiness and present reality.

Nostalgia is a powerful emotion, but it doesn’t erase present issues or behaviors.

6) They’ll start praising your unique qualities

Another subtle maneuver is when a narcissist starts to compliment you on your specific qualities or accomplishments that they previously seemed indifferent to or even derided.

It’s like they’re suddenly seeing you for who you truly are.

They might start praising your cooking skills, your intelligence, or how you handle stressful situations.

This can feel great, after all, who doesn’t love being complimented?

However, this new-found admiration is likely another tactic to regain control.

By making you feel seen and appreciated, they’re hoping to rekindle your affection for them and make you less likely to pull away.

So, the next time they start singing your praises out of the blue, take a moment to consider why they might be doing so.

7) They’ll make you feel indispensable

Finally, a narcissist might start making you feel like they can’t live without you.

They’ll rely on you for everything, from making decisions to handling their emotional well-being.

This dependency can make you feel valued and necessary, maybe even heroic.

But let’s be clear here: This is not about love or need; this is about control.

By making you feel indispensable, they’re effectively tying you to them and making it harder for you to consider leaving.

Don’t let them anchor their world onto you.

It’s not your responsibility to fix or save them.

As the saying goes, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” 

Always prioritize your well-being and remember that everyone is responsible for their own happiness.

The power of self-love and boundaries

The most important thing to remember when dealing with a narcissist is to prioritize your own mental health and well-being.

Yes, narcissists are experts at manipulation, and their tactics can be subtle and confusing. 

But you have the power to counteract this by establishing strong personal boundaries and practicing self-love.

No matter how they try to control or manipulate you, remember that your feelings are valid, your needs are important, and you deserve respect.

Don’t let anyone make you question these truths.

Stay strong, stay informed, and remember: you are enough just as you are.