People pleasing is coined as a bad trait. But as we all know, sometimes it’s good to stay on people’s good side!

The problem with people pleasing is when you start doing it for validation rather than strategy. I.e., you do it for the confidence boost and to make yourself feel better.

You might not even realize you’re doing this, especially if you’ve been people-pleasing for a long time!

These subtle behaviors are the clear signs of a people-pleaser, so watch out for them in others – and in yourself if you want this behavior to stop!

Up first:

1) They sit on the fence

The thing about people pleasers is that they never want to upset anyone. So whenever the opportunity arises for them to share their real views, they keep quiet. Or worse, they sit on the fence!

They sway from one side to the other – never committing to either side of the story. And they never end up sharing their real opinion.

This is a classic trait of theirs to get validation. By keeping both sides happy and never disagreeing, people like them for it (or at least, they think they do).

The sad truth is that people-pleasers can end up not even knowing themselves what their opinion is by doing this.

Because they’re so used to telling people what they think they want to hear, they don’t think about how they genuinely feel about something…

2) They repeat themselves

Another thing you’ll notice a people pleaser do is repeat themselves! Most of the time, they don’t even realize they’re doing it.

I’ll admit, I’ve even done this myself before to get validation from someone else!

Usually, they’ll do it when they’ve done something good and they want recognition for it. Like if I tidied up my partner’s sock drawer. I might tell him about it once and he’ll say something nice. Then I might bring it up again later. And the next time he uses it. And again and again…

Why? Because I know I’ll get a compliment or a “Thank you” for doing it.

People pleasers do this with other things, too. Like if they’re in a meeting and they make a good point, but few people reacted to it. They might say it again or repeat it later with a slightly different crowd.

3) They agree with anyone about anything

Instead of sitting on the fence, a people pleaser might just agree with things to get validation from others.

Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D. says this is because we feel threatened and even disrespected when someone disagrees with us (assuming we don’t have the tolerance to deal with it).

People pleasers know that some people feel this way – and they worry about it whenever they have a different view from someone else.

So instead of being honest and sharing their view respectfully, they don’t. They agree instead.

I know that sometimes it’s better to agree with someone than get into a debate disagreeing with them. It’s why I’ll often give a limited response to something I don’t want to argue about…

But a people pleaser will do this with anything – even foods, restaurants, movies, and countries they’ve visited – which really aren’t that deep!

4) They ask your opinion before giving their own

This is a subtle tactic of a people pleaser that they might not even realize they’re doing themselves!

Basically, if the opportunity ever arises for them to share their opinion, they’ll ask yours before stating theirs.

Some people do this strategically, like in business or a meeting with their boss. But people-pleasers do it all the time – even with their friends and romantic partners.

If someone asks them, “Did you like [movie]?”, they’ll say, “What did you think about it?” first. They’ll do the same with any and everything.

Again, sometimes it’s smart to do this. I’ve done it lots of times in my professional life to size up how much I should say… But pay close attention to if you’re doing this all the time, because you might be people-pleasing instead of strategizing!

5) They ask, “Is that OK?” when they know it is

Reassurance is a people pleaser’s gold mine! It gives them all the validation they need. I know because I’ve been there myself in the past!

Sometimes you know something that you’ve done is OK with someone else. Like if your partner says it’s fine that you said something you didn’t mean and they accept your apology.

But because being told that feels nice to hear, a people pleaser might want to hear it again. They might want to keep asking you if something is OK, even though they know it is.

Because hearing you say, “It’s fine” or “No problem at all” makes them feel seen, understood, and deeply supported.

6) They point out good things they’ve done

…and sometimes, it’s a bit unnecessary.

I’ve noticed this when working in the office before. If there’s a luncheon and everyone brings a dish, one person will tell everyone how they brought in that cake and how expensive it was.

Or in a meeting, someone will keep bringing up how they moved the chairs or closed the blinds or printed extra papers when they weren’t told to…

And sure, it’s good to shout about your successes – especially at work!

But it’s also good to pick your moments and only choose the really important things to shout about. Otherwise, it’s best to let your acts of kindness go largely unnoticed and give yourself the recognition for it instead…

Final thoughts

Everyone needs validation in their lives. I’ll be the first to admit that some people-pleasing tactics can work in your favor – and they’re well worth doing!

However, seeking validation from others all the time isn’t a good thing. If you want to find true happiness and confidence in yourself, you need to learn to pat yourself on the back sometimes.

So the next time you’re about to agree with someone for the sake of it – or seek reassurance when you know you don’t it – think about this article.

Hopefully, you’ll feel way better for being your confident self and telling yourself it’s OK than doing any of the things above!