There are few experiences more difficult than one-sided love. 

But how can you spot it?

When you’re in a relationship and have strong feelings for someone, reciprocity is often assumed.

This is especially true if your relationship began on an intense note and you’ve received a lot of love from your partner in the past. 

But is that affection waning?

Let’s take a look at the top indications that you’re more interested in your partner than they are interested in you.

This is important to take a look at in order to discuss and be honest about with your partner and know if the relationship truly has a future.

1) You want their attention more than they want yours

You’re usually the one reaching out and initiating contact.

You may be the more outgoing between the two of you, and it may strike you as natural and no big deal (at least at first). 

But whether it’s through text messages, calls, or making plans to meet up, you seem to be the one keeping the contact going in the relationship.

As clinical psychologist Scott Bea, Psy.D. writes: 

“We might notice that we’re the ones that always make the phone call or initiate the contact, or we’re the one that’s listening, or we really never have a chance to discuss what’s on our mind.”

2) Their body language is not overly receptive to you

Pay attention to their body language when you’re together. 

Are they leaning in or pulling away? 

Do they make steady eye contact with you or often avoid their gaze? 

Do they face you when you’re talking or subtly point their feet away and angle their body away from looking at you head-on?

These are all signs that your partner is avoiding you in some way or doesn’t feel the same level of attraction or interest that you do. 

It can be easy to miss when you’re deeply in love and already assume their level of interest is what it used to be. 

3) You remember every detail about them, but it’s not mutual

You tend to remember small details about them or things they’ve told you, even if it’s just small details. 

You recall funny stories they told and interesting conversations you had. 

But they don’t remember nearly as much about you and seem to be just “skating” through the relationship in that sense. 

You often begin to feel like they don’t really value you and like you’re doing something wrong.

As relationship coach Julie Nguyen observes:

“You keep trying your hardest, but it doesn’t go anywhere. Over time, you begin to question your worth and believe that your needs aren’t important enough to bring up.”

4) You’re genuinely interested in their interests, but it’s not mutual

You show genuine interest in their hobbies and passions, because your love for your partner truly makes you interested. 

It’s not fake: it’s you wanting to share in what they love! 

But they have minimal interest in your interests and aren’t genuinely very curious about what you’re into. 

When you recommend a new book you’re reading or a fascinating subject you’re learning about, they may ask a token question or two, but deep down you can tell they’re not all that interested. 

As licensed marriage and family therapist Dan Neuharth Ph.D., MFT says:

“Avoidantly attached persons keep partners at arm’s length. For example, they may limit displays of affection and cancel plans if they feel the relationship is getting ‘too close.’”

5) You’re up for serious and deep conversations much more than them

You’re usually the one initiating serious conversations about the relationship or addressing issues that arise, while they’re usually absent. 

They tend to deflect serious discussions or brush off things that happen. 

They may often say you’ll talk about it “later” or “some other time.”

“Look, not everyone is a great texter or huge talker. That’s totally fine! 

But if there’s been a noticeable shift in their responsiveness—or they don’t offer up face-to-face plans to communicate instead—you may be on uneven terrain,” notes clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D.

6) You ‘check in’ on how the relationship is going, but they don’t

You often check in with how the relationship is going, but your partner seems overly chill about it almost all the time. 

They don’t seem to want assurance or to check in about how they’re feeling. 

You keep making an effort to build things up, but it seems to not make a huge difference and you’re left unsure about how to respond. 

“You may hope somebody that isn’t a great teammate will become a great teammate as a result of your effort towards them,” notes Bea. 

“But you can’t change another person’s brain.”

7) You interact with them much more on social media 

Pay attention to their activity on social media. 

Do they rarely post about you or share moments of your relationship, while you’re more inclined to do so?

On its surface, this isn’t always deeply meaningful. Some people genuinely do prefer to avoid social media and posting about relationships or personal parts of their life. 

But if your partner is somebody who posts frequently about other things but seems to be avoiding posting about you, then it’s often a sign that they’re not quite as into the relationship as you are. 

8) You make sacrifices for your partner that they wouldn’t make for you

You find yourself making sacrifices and compromises for your relationship, but that’s not coming back your direction. 

You’re willing to shift your schedule, meet them halfway, see their point of view, and so forth: 

But they rarely (if ever) return the favor. 

It feels like an uphill climb, and even though there may be many positive aspects of your relationship, the overall feeling is that you are the one putting in most of the work. 

As relationship expert and coach Dr. Susan Trotter, Ph.D. notes:

“When you feel like you’re doing all the work and still not feeling connected, it is likely that you are experiencing a one-sided relationship.”

9) Sex and intimacy are usually initiated by you 

How is the emotional and physical intimacy in the relationship?

If you’re often the one initiating sex or intimate moments, it’s frequently a sign that your partner just isn’t as into you. 

This can be very hard to hear and very hard to internalize, which is part of why it flies over so many people’s heads. 

While it may seem obvious in retrospect, when you’re very in love with somebody and committed to them, signs like a lack of interest in sex or intimacy can be easy for you to self-justify. 

Sometimes they really are just “not in the mood.” But more often than not there is something deeper at play. 

10) You put in more effort than them to work through conflicts

You’re the one putting in more effort to keep the relationship going, and this starts to become apparent when it comes to disagreements.

You’re willing to talk through arguments and tension and bring up whatever is wrong and work through it:

They’re increasingly absent and not all that interested in talking through issues. 

They seem to often just shrug or act like it’s not worth discussing. That’s a partner who’s not as invested as you are. 

11) You always seem to be the one apologizing, never them

When it comes to rough points in the relationship, you often find yourself apologizing. 

Sometimes that’s legitimate: you made a mistake or said something hurtful and you’re sorry!

But what does your partner do when they are the one who crossed the line?

If it seems like you’re always the one apologizing, the relationship is leaning towards being a one-sided connection. 

“If you find that you are always apologizing — regardless of who was at fault — just to restore peace, you may be in a one-sided relationship,” points out Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW.

“You can’t be the one who’s wrong all the time , right?”

12) You want to plan the future, they always want to hold off

You find yourself making plans for the future that involve both of you, but your partner always seems to be too busy. 

They are stressed out by talk of the future or any discussion of future plans, and they seem hesitant or non-committal.

There may be many reasons for this, and you try not to read too much into it, but if this becomes a constant pattern there’s often a lack of sufficient reciprocal interest on their part.

As Neuharth writes:

“Avoidantly attached partners may know their partner wants more closeness and commitment and know they are letting them down. This can make them feel pressured, leading them to avoid or withdraw.”

Next steps

“Once you begin to shift any behaviors that perpetuate the giving-too-much cycle, the relationship will change, though often not without a great deal of resistance from the taker,” clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Manly. Ph.D. advises.