There’s a huge difference between understanding your partner and just guessing their feelings.

This difference boils down to knowledge. Understanding your partner requires knowledge about their attachment style, which may not always be transparent.

Having an avoidant attachment style, for example, often involves subtle signs that are easy to miss if you’re not clued in. There are telltale signs that your partner might have this attachment style.

And knowing these signs can be the key to a healthier relationship.

In this article, I’ll share with you 7 subtle signs that your partner might have an avoidant attachment style. Let’s demystify the mystery and make the invisible visible.

1) They’re not too keen on emotional intimacy

There’s something about deep emotional sharing that seems to set off alarm bells for those with an avoidant attachment style.

People with avoidant attachment styles often guard their emotions closely, viewing emotional intimacy as a threat to their independence. They may seem distant, even in close relationships, and often struggle to share their feelings openly.

You might notice your partner shying away from deep conversations or becoming uncomfortable when you express strong emotions.

This isn’t to say they don’t care or aren’t invested in the relationship, but rather that they’re responding in the way that feels safest to them.

Recognizing this sign doesn’t mean you should stop sharing your feelings or demanding less emotional intimacy.

Instead, understanding this can help you navigate the relationship more effectively, striking a balance that respects both of your emotional needs.

2) They dread dependency

In my own experience, I’ve noticed that a partner with an avoidant attachment style can be quite wary of dependency.

For instance, my partner would often insist on taking care of their own problems and would hesitate to ask for help, even when it was evident they needed it.

It was as if they were trying to prove their self-reliance at every opportunity.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Independence is a great quality. But in a relationship, it’s also important to be able to lean on each other during tough times.

3) They struggle with vulnerability

Did you know that our attachment styles are often formed in our early childhood experiences? They can significantly impact how we interact in our adult relationships, particularly when it comes to vulnerability.

People with an avoidant attachment style may have learned to associate vulnerability with emotional pain or rejection. As a result, they tend to avoid situations that require them to be vulnerable.

In your relationship, you might observe that your partner struggles to open up about their deepest fears, insecurities, or even their dreams and aspirations.

They might change the subject when things get too personal or respond with humor to deflect the attention away from themselves.

Understanding this characteristic of an avoidant attachment style can guide you towards more empathetic conversations. You can create a safe space for your partner to express themselves without fear of judgment or further distancing.

4) They’re often self-reliant to a fault

Being self-reliant is generally a positive trait, but in the case of someone with an avoidant attachment style, it can sometimes be taken to the extreme.

These individuals often pride themselves on their independence and ability to handle things on their own. This can mean they’re less likely to ask for help, even when they need it.

In your relationship, you might notice that your partner hesitates to lean on you during tough times or seems resistant to accepting any form of assistance.

This isn’t because they don’t trust or value you, but because their natural instinct is to rely on themselves first and foremost.

This self-reliance is a protective mechanism, but it can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation or disconnect in a relationship. 

5) They avoid long-term plans

Making plans for the future is a common part of any serious relationship. But for someone with an avoidant attachment style, this can feel risky and uncomfortable.

Your partner might be hesitant to discuss long-term plans or make commitments that imply a future together.

It’s not that they don’t see a future with you; it’s just that the idea of being tied down can trigger their fear of losing independence.

6) They struggle with expressing affection

Love and affection are the lifeblood of any relationship. But for those with an avoidant attachment style, expressing these feelings can feel like walking on thin ice.

These individuals often find it challenging to communicate their emotions in a direct way. Saying “I love you,” giving compliments, or showing affection might not come naturally to them.

As their partner, you might sometimes feel starved for these expressions of love. But remember, their struggle with expressing affection doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.

Comprehending this can help you see the other ways they may be showing their love – perhaps through their actions rather than words, or through their dedication and commitment to the relationship.

7) They have a high need for control

Control can be a safe haven for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. Having control over their environment, their routines, and even aspects of your relationship can help them feel more secure and less vulnerable.

They might be particular about how things are done or insist on making decisions independently. This need for control is not about dominating the relationship, but rather about mitigating their own anxieties.

As their partner, this trait might sometimes feel overwhelming or frustrating. But understanding its roots in their attachment style can help you approach these situations with more understanding.

Finding a balance where both of you feel comfortable and secure is key.

This might involve open conversations about decision-making processes or finding ways to ensure they still have their sense of control while also nurturing the partnership.

Final reflections: It’s about understanding, not judgment

Peering into the world of psychology and attachment styles can be like unlocking a door to deeper comprehension of human behavior.

Recognizing these 7 subtle signs of an avoidant attachment style in your partner is not diagnosing or labeling them. Rather, it’s understanding their emotional reality, their fears, and their defenses.

This understanding can be a powerful tool in navigating your relationship. It can foster empathy, patience, and open communication – elements that are key to any successful relationship.

But we’re all beautifully complex beings with unique histories and experiences that shape us. Your partner, with their avoidant attachment style, is no different. They are not just a sum of these signs but so much more.

As you reflect on these signs and what they mean for your relationship, remember the power of understanding and love in bridging emotional distances.