Passion is important in relationships. So are kindness, empathy, trust, and compatibility.

But an often-underrated key to a happy relationship is respect.

The respect we have for a romantic partner is different from the respect that we may have for a coworker, a boss, or someone else we admire. But relationships that aren’t built on mutual respect are often headed for disaster.

Does your partner respect you? There are some subtle ways to tell whether they do or not, according to psychology. Keep an eye out for these signs, because if you notice a few of them, it may be because your partner doesn’t respect you the way they should.

1) They interrupt you

Interrupting someone is always rude, no matter who it is. Interrupting or talking over others is a way of telling them that you don’t value what they’re saying and aren’t interested in hearing it.

So when your partner interrupts you a lot, it’s normal to start to wonder if they really respect you.

“Consistent interruptions by the same person not only feel like a lack of respect for you and your thoughts, but they also demonstrate apparent self-centeredness,” writes life coach Sherri Gordon.

“The interrupter is communicating that what they have to say takes precedence over your thoughts and opinions.”

In other words, if someone interrupts you a lot, they probably don’t respect you. If your partner feels the need to talk over you, you have to wonder how much respect they really have.

2) They don’t listen

Look, we all get distracted. No one can hang on every word their partner says as if it’s the most important thing in the world. The truth is, we all say a lot of things sometimes that don’t necessarily need to be said, or listened to.

That’s why this happens a lot in long-term relationships. When you first start dating someone, you’re fascinated by everything about them, but eventually, you start to feel like you’ve already heard everything they have to say.

But that’s a dangerous way of thinking.

“Nothing erodes a sense of personal empowerment like not feeling heard,” writes psychologist Susan Heitler. “Feeling consistently unheard also suggests that work frustrations or marriage problems could be on the road ahead—or that they’ve already arrived.”

Maybe no one can listen to every word another person says forever. But your partner absolutely should listen to you when you have something serious to say.

If you’re sharing your feelings or communicating your needs, a partner who respects you will absolutely listen and put aside all distractions.

If they don’t, it may be because they don’t respect you.

3) They invalidate your feelings

Our feelings aren’t always our friends. And sometimes, the way we feel about a person or situation can be completely wrong.

However, that doesn’t mean our feelings aren’t important.

One of the fundamental purposes of being in a committed relationship is to emotionally support one another. And part of doing that is listening to and respecting the other person’s feelings.

On the other hand, dismissing or diminishing another person’s feelings by telling them they are wrong to feel the way they do is known in psychology as emotional invalidation. And it’s a sure sign that your partner doesn’t respect you.

“Invalidation sends the message that a person’s subjective emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable,” writes psychologist Jamie Long.

Ways that someone may invalidate your feelings include saying things like:

•       It could be worse/at least you’re not dying/starving/some other horrible thing
•       You shouldn’t feel that way
•       What do you have to be depressed about?
•       Just get on with it
•       You need to toughen up

As Long points out, validating your partner’s feelings doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything they say. But it does mean listening to how they feel and respecting them enough not to tell them they are wrong for feeling what they feel.

4) They are not reliable

This is definitely a subtle sign of a lack of respect.

That’s because there may be other reasons why someone is unreliable.

I have some friends who are just chronically unreliable. They are often late, or fail to do the things they say they will.

And yet, when they make promises or appointments, they genuinely intend to keep them. It’s just that they are disorganized and chaotic, and they get caught up in other things.

With that said, being reliable and doing what you say you will do is a form of respect for others. Showing up on time and being consistent are important ways to show respect.

“Reliability communicates maturity, predictability, and trustworthiness,” according to psychologist George S Everly.

“On the other hand, a lack of reliability can engender perceptions of self-centeredness, flightiness, the inability to focus, superficiality, and perhaps even deceptiveness and dishonesty.”

To put it simply, “unreliability can be a relationship and career-ender.”

5) They violate your privacy

Being in a relationship – especially a long-term one that may mean living together and even raising a family – automatically means losing some of your privacy.

But it shouldn’t mean losing all of it. Privacy is an often underrated value that we all suffer without, and a partner who violates your privacy is giving you a subtle sign that they don’t really respect you.

“The closer we are to a certain person, the more we want to be sincere and open by revealing intimate information; hence, our privacy zone is likely to contract,” writes psychologist Aaron Ben-Zeév.  

“However, the closer we are to a certain person, the more stakes we have in the relationship, and intimate information is potentially more harmful to us; hence, we wish to expand our privacy zone.”

Everyone is going to balance the need for privacy and the need for intimacy differently. What matters is that your partner respects your privacy.

That means they don’t spy on you. They don’t try to monitor your communication with other people. They don’t search your devices without your permission.

Because if somebody does that, they are not showing respect for you.

6) They use passive-aggressive communication styles

“Passive aggression is a way of expressing negative feelings in indirect rather than direct ways,” says therapist Sarah Epstein.

“Instead of having open, honest conversations about how they feel wronged, the individual may use hints, silence, denial, and other subtle tactics to communicate their discontent.”

That means they may do things like:

•       Drop hints instead of saying directly what they want or need;
•       Deny being angry when they are;
•       Sulk or pout;
•       Deliberately do things you’ve asked them to do badly;
•       Use the silent treatment.

The whole point of passive-aggressive behavior is to communicate their unhappiness without having to come out and say it, so it can be quite subtle. However, once you notice it, you can see it for the sign of disrespect that it is. 

7) They avoid meaningful conversations

Is it hard to get your partner to talk about anything real?

Sooner or later, you need to talk about your feelings and your relationship to make sure you’re both on the same page. But if your partner doesn’t respect you, they may avoid these conversations.

It’s because they don’t see your feelings as being important enough for them to discuss.

8) They criticize constantly (without being constructive)

We all have opinions on each other’s behavior sometimes. And even when you love someone, sometimes they’re going to do things you don’t like.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean never criticizing your partner. But it does mean doing it in a careful and respectful way.

Because criticism can be dangerous.

“Criticism is the first of John Gottman’s famous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy,” says psychologist Steven Stosny.

“In my clinical experience, it is the most predictive of disaster in love relationships, as the other three tend to follow from it—stonewalling, defensive, and contemptuous partners almost invariably feel criticized.”

Someone can criticize you while still respecting you. But generally, they’ll do it by offering constructive criticism. Instead of focusing on what you did wrong, they will focus on how you can improve.

9) They ignore your boundaries

“Boundaries mean that I have the right to what is actually mine. They do not mean that I have the right to what is yours,” says counselor Andrea Mathews.

“Most of the dysfunctional inter-dynamics of relationship are based on the fact that one or both people in this relationship is not being authentic—therefore, not asserting boundaries.”

In other words, boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship.

But if a person doesn’t respect you, they won’t respect your boundaries, either.

They may ask you to do things you clearly stated you’re unwilling to do. They may ignore your reasonable boundaries on how you allow yourself to be talked to.

It can be subtle, but it’s a telling sign that someone doesn’t respect you.