As humans, we all crave genuine love – that deep emotional connection that binds us together, nurtures us, and makes us feel valued and cherished.

But sometimes what we believe to be love is actually a mirage, an illusion crafted from our own desires and fears.

In this complex dance of emotions, it can be incredibly difficult to distinguish between true love and its impostors.

The signs are often subtle, easily overlooked or misinterpreted.

So, how can you tell if what you thought was love was never really there to begin with?

Drawing on insights from psychology, I’m going to share some subtle signs that may indicate you never truly loved each other.

This is not about laying blame or pointing fingers, but about understanding your feelings better – for clarity, for closure, for the courage to move forward.

So, brace yourself as we delve into the often-misunderstood world of love and emotions.

1) You never truly opened up

Opening up to one another is one of the most profound ways in which love manifests itself.

It’s about showing vulnerability, sharing fears, dreams, and past experiences.

But if you’ve always found it challenging to open up to each other, it might be a sign that true love was missing.

Perhaps you were always guarded, holding back from sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings.

Or maybe it was your partner who seemed distant, always dodging those intimate conversations.

In some cases, you might have been sharing the surface stuff – work stories, daily events – but never the raw, unfiltered emotions that make you who you are.

This lack of emotional transparency can often indicate a deeper lack of connection – a signal that perhaps you never truly loved one another.

2) You never felt secure in the relationship

Feeling secure in a relationship is fundamental.

It’s an intuitive sense of safety and assurance that your partner has your best interests at heart, respects you, and won’t intentionally hurt you.

If this security was missing, it could be indicative that true love wasn’t present.

Maybe your relationship was always marked by uncertainty, with trust issues creeping in.

Perhaps you constantly worried about your partner’s fidelity or their commitment to the relationship.

Or it could be that your partner seemed indifferent to your concerns, consistently dismissing them instead of addressing them.

This chronic insecurity often points to a lack of emotional attachment – a key element of genuine love.

3) You were happier apart than together

We often associate love with happiness and joy, so it can seem odd that you’d be happier away from your partner if you truly loved them.

But if you found that your happiest moments were those spent apart, it could be a subtle sign that true love was missing in your relationship.

Perhaps you looked forward to times when your partner was away, or you felt a sense of relief when they canceled plans.

Maybe you felt more like yourself, more at ease when they weren’t around.

It’s not about needing some ‘me time’ – which is healthy and necessary – but about consistently feeling happier, more relaxed, and more fulfilled without them.

This could suggest that the relationship wasn’t built on love, but instead on something less profound.

4) You felt relief when it ended

Breakups are often painful, filled with grief and a sense of loss.

But if your overwhelming emotion when the relationship ended was relief, it could be a sign that love was never truly there.

Maybe you didn’t realize it while you were together, but once it was over, you felt a weight lifted off your shoulders.

You no longer had to pretend or make excuses for the relationship not being what you wanted.

Perhaps the end of your relationship brought a surprising sense of freedom, a breath of fresh air.

It’s a hard truth to acknowledge, but sometimes our deepest emotions only surface when the dust settles.

This unexpected relief can often be an indication that your relationship was more of a burden than a source of joy and love.

5) You loved the idea more than the person

It’s a gentle, but essential truth – sometimes we fall in love with the idea of a person, rather than the person themselves.

Maybe you loved the image of being in a relationship, the idea of having someone by your side.

Perhaps you admired their potential, what they could be, rather than accepting them as they were.

This doesn’t make you a bad person.

It’s human to get swept up in dreams and possibilities.

But it’s crucial to recognize that love is about embracing the reality of who someone is – their strengths and weaknesses, their quirks and flaws.

If you find yourself missing the idea of your partner more than your actual partner, it could be a subtle sign that true love was never part of your relationship equation.

6) You were constantly trying to change each other

We’ve all been there – wishing our partner would be a bit more like this or a little less like that.

Minor tweaks are normal, but if you were constantly trying to remodel each other, it could indicate a lack of true love.

Perhaps you wished they were more outgoing or less messy.

Or, they might have wanted you to be more ambitious or less sensitive.

These attempts at change might have been well-intentioned, but true love is about acceptance.

It’s about seeing and loving each other for who you truly are, not what you could potentially become.

If your relationship was marked by a continual struggle to change one another, it might be a sign that it wasn’t rooted in genuine love.

7) You didn’t share a sense of humor

They say laughter is the best medicine, and in relationships, it’s often the glue that holds things together.

But if you and your partner couldn’t share a good laugh, it might be a subtle sign that true love was missing.

Perhaps you loved slapstick comedy, while they didn’t crack a smile.

Or maybe your witty puns were met with a blank stare instead of a chuckle.

Having different humor styles isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker, but shared laughter often indicates a deeper connection and mutual understanding.

So if you couldn’t laugh together, it might mean that you weren’t as emotionally in tune as true love demands.

8) You were more in love with the potential than the present

Tough love time – if your relationship was based on the potential of what could be, rather than the reality of what is, it’s likely that true love was never in the picture.

Maybe you kept thinking, “Once they get that job,” or “Once we move in together,” things would be better.

You were waiting for a future milestone to make things right.

But love isn’t about waiting for someone or something to change.

It’s about being in love with the person as they are, right now.

So if you were more enchanted by the future than engaged with the present, it could be a sign that your relationship was built on hope, not love.

9) Love is about acceptance and growth

If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s this – genuine love is about accepting each other as you are and inspiring each other to grow, not change.

Yes, love can be complicated and messy, but at its core, it’s about mutual respect, understanding, and acceptance.

It’s about wanting the best for each other, supporting each other’s growth, and celebrating who you both are.

If you found that your relationship was lacking these fundamental elements, it could be a sign that true love was missing.

It’s okay to admit that what you had may not have been love.

It doesn’t define your worth or your ability to find and give true love in the future.

Final thoughts on love and self-reflection

If you’ve recognized some of these subtle signs in your past relationships, it might be a bit disheartening.

But remember, this isn’t about fostering regret or dwelling on the past.

In the words of psychologist Dr. Carl Rogers, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

This holds true in love as well.

It’s about accepting your past relationships for what they were, understanding that they were stepping stones, not mistakes.

Realizing you may have never truly loved someone can be a powerful catalyst for growth.

It invites self-reflection, encourages emotional honesty, and inspires a commitment to seeking genuine love in the future.

Seeing one or more of these signs doesn’t definitively mean there was no love.

Relationships are complex, filled with nuances and personal experiences that can’t be neatly boxed into categories.

But if these insights have led you to question whether you were truly in love, take it as an opportunity to dig deeper, to better understand yourself and what you seek in a relationship.

Remember, it’s never too late to learn, grow and find the kind of love that nurtures and brings out the best in you.