Love can be a tricky thing. It’s often hard to tell if what you’re feeling is the real deal or just a temporary infatuation.

The difference often comes down to the subtle signs. When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to get lost in the moment and overlook these telltale cues.

Being genuinely in love means connecting on a deeper level, understanding each other’s flaws, and still choosing to stay. But how can you tell if that’s the case in your relationship?

In this article, we’ll dive into 9 subtle signs that might suggest you and your partner are not genuinely in love. Paying attention to these signs can help you understand your relationship better, and guide you towards making the right decisions for yourself.

1) Lack of deep conversations

One of the most telling signs that you and your partner may not be genuinely in love is the absence of deep, meaningful conversations.

When you’re in love, you’re not just interested in the surface-level stuff. You want to know their fears, their dreams, their past, and their vision for the future. You want to understand them on a deeper level.

But if your talks are always about mundane things – what to have for dinner, weekend plans, or the latest episode of your favorite show – you might want to take a closer look at your relationship.

Just remember, it’s not about having deep conversations all the time. It’s about feeling comfortable enough to open up and share those parts of yourself with your partner. 

2) No shared vision for the future

This one hits close to home for me. In one of my past relationships, I realized we didn’t share a common vision for our future.

I’ve always been a city girl, loving the hustle and bustle, the endless opportunities for work and play. But my partner, he was a country boy at heart. He loved the peace and quiet, the simplicity of rural life.

Initially, we laughed it off as a minor difference. But as time passed, it became clear that our visions for the future were vastly different. He dreamed of a quiet house on a farm while I aimed for a high-rise apartment in the heart of the city.

Despite our love for each other, this fundamental difference started to create tension between us. It was then I realized that genuine love also means aligning your future visions – or at least finding a compromise both can live with.

3) Rarely express appreciation

When couples are genuinely in love, they often express appreciation for each other. It could be as simple as a thank you for taking out the trash, or a compliment on how they look.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert and researcher, one of the predictors of relationship success is the ratio of positive to negative interactions. He found that couples who maintain a 5:1 ratio tend to have lasting relationships.

That means, for every negative interaction, there should be at least five positive ones. Expressing appreciation is one such positive interaction.

4) Feeling uneasy during disagreements

Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship. But how you handle these disagreements can say a lot about your love for each other.

If you find yourself walking on eggshells during arguments, afraid that any wrong word might end the relationship, it might be a sign that something’s off.

Genuine love means feeling secure enough to express your thoughts and feelings, even if they’re negative, without the fear of reprisal.

On the other hand, if every disagreement feels like a battle that must be won, it could also indicate a lack of genuine love.

Love isn’t about winning arguments, it’s about understanding each other and finding common ground.

In truly loving relationships, disagreements are approached with respect and a desire to solve problems together.

So if that’s not the case in your relationship, it might be worth considering whether you’re genuinely in love.

5) The absence of mutual respect

Respect is a cornerstone in any relationship, particularly romantic ones.

When you’re genuinely in love, you respect each other’s personal boundaries, opinions, and individuality.

However, if you constantly feel disrespected or see yourself disrespecting your partner—be it through condescending remarks, disregard for their feelings, or violation of their personal boundaries—it’s a telling sign.

Genuine love doesn’t belittle or demean. It uplifts and values the other person for who they are. So if respect is missing in your relationship, you might want to reevaluate whether it’s truly love that you’re feeling.

Remember, it’s not about agreeing on everything. It’s about respecting each other’s differences and treating each other with kindness and consideration.

If that’s lacking, it may be a sign you’re not genuinely in love.

6) You feel alone even when together

There’s a certain kind of loneliness that only exists in a relationship. It’s the feeling of being alone, even when you’re with your partner.

And let me tell you, it’s one of the most heartbreaking feelings you can experience.

You might be sitting on the same couch, or even sharing the same bed. But there’s a chasm between you that no amount of closeness can bridge. It feels like you’re worlds apart, despite being physically close.

Genuine love should make us feel connected, understood, and valued. It should fill us with warmth and a sense of belonging.

If instead, your relationship leaves you feeling isolated and alone, it’s a sign that genuine love might be missing.

7) You don’t feel like you can be your true self

Once, I was in a relationship where I felt like I had to wear a mask. I couldn’t be my quirky, sometimes awkward, and often silly self. I had to present a version of myself that was more ‘acceptable’, less ‘me’.

Over time, this became exhausting. I realized that I was compromising my authenticity for the sake of the relationship.

Love, I learned, should never ask you to be someone you’re not.

If you find yourself hiding parts of who you are or changing your behavior in fear of judgement from your partner, it’s a telling sign.

Genuine love embraces you for who you are, quirks and all.

8) Avoiding difficult conversations

Conversations about serious topics like finances, life goals, or issues in the relationship can be difficult.

However, they’re crucial for a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship.

Consistently avoiding tough conversations may signal trouble in your relationship. Genuine love encompasses the ability to engage in open and honest discussions about any topic, even when they’re challenging or uncomfortable.

When you’re genuinely in love, you value the relationship enough to address issues head-on instead of sweeping them under the rug. 

9) You don’t feel happy

When all is said and done, love should be a source of happiness. It should fill your heart with joy, wrap you in peace, and leave you feeling complete.

Something’s wrong when your relationship is overshadowed by distress rather than happiness. Love isn’t about constantly struggling uphill. It shouldn’t leave you emotionally drained or questioning your worth.

In genuine love, despite the occasional disagreements or rough patches, the prevailing sentiment should be one of contentment and bliss.

Final thoughts: Love is a journey

As we wrap up our exploration of the subtle signs that may indicate a lack of genuine love in a relationship, it’s important to remember that your feelings are valid and worthy of acknowledgment.

While recognizing these signs may be difficult, it’s ultimately an act of self-compassion and empowerment to confront the truth about your relationship.

Whether you choose to work through these issues together with your partner or to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing alone, know that you deserve love, respect, and fulfillment in your relationships.

Trust in your intuition, prioritize your well-being, and never settle for anything less than a love that lights up your soul and brings you true happiness.