So…you consider someone a “narc”—they’re self-absorbed and they think they’re the greatest.

While the mainstreaming of psychology has been helpful, there’s also a lot of downsides to it, too.

And that includes people giving labels without adequate knowledge of the differences.

Because what if you’re wrong? What if they only have narcissistic tendencies?

You see, not all “narcs” are the same.

There’s a HUGE difference between someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and someone who simply has narcissistic traits.

While they both exhibit the same self-obsessed tendencies and the potential to harm, a narcissist is strategically dangerous!

So, if you don’t want to misjudge people, make sure you don’t confuse one with the other.

Here are 7 subtle signs someone isn’t a pathological narcissist but they do have narcissistic tendencies.

1) They’re not manipulative

People with NPD are manipulative. 

They know exactly what they’re doing and they do it in a calculating manner to get the best results.

Those with narc tendencies, on the other hand, aren’t even aware they’re doing anything wrong.

Sure, they might not be fair with their actions sometimes because they’re so self-absorbed that they can’t think of others. 

But they’re not deliberately doing things to HURT anyone. In fact, the moment someone calls them out, they’d try to change their behavior.

So if your friend is starting to behave as if they’re the sun with the solar system revolving around them? 

Don’t automatically assume that they’re evil. They probably just have narcissistic tendencies.

2) They don’t have “targets”

Unlike people with NPD who automatically know the people they’ll use as leverage, someone with narcissistic tendencies don’t think about such things!

Sure, they could be drawn to the popular and rich, but that’s because they simply enjoy the feeling of being associated with them. 

They’re not thinking “How can I use them to my advantage?”

Or “Gosh, I’ll beat them someday.”

And sure they’re drawn to codependent people probably because they’re a bit insecure and they love the attention. 

But they’re not thinking “I will wine and dine and praise you so I can use you one of these days.”

3) They don’t pursue their goals “by hook or by crook”

Let’s face it. You want to be great too, right?

I want to be a published writer who’s loved by everyone that they’d go crazy just to get my autograph. I’m sure you have goals like this, too.

Because actually, according to psychology, narcissism is a spectrum and everyone is actually on it!

What sets someone with narcissistic tendencies from someone with NPD is that they pursue greatness within ethical reasons. 

Someone with NPD?

They’re willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get what they want. Even if it means they’ll lie, blackmail, pressure, and hurt others.

4) They respect rules and boundaries

I often see Reddit posts of people complaining about their “narc” parents, “narc” friends, “narc” bosses.

It’s as if everyone is a narc these days!

But here’s one thing I’ve learned lately: according to research, only 0.05% to 5% actually have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Though it is still an area that needs immense research, but still.)

Considering that almost all of us have narcissistic tendencies, perhaps we’re being inaccurate (and unfair) with our judgment of others.

One way to find out?

See if they respect rules and have the capacity for empathy and consideration of others.

Most pathological narcs don’t give a damn about any of these. 

Why?

They genuinely believe that they’re “above the law” and that the world owes them everything. 

They genuinely see NO problem stealing, lying, and committing crime if they can justify it. And they can always justify it because they think they’re entitled to have whatever they want.

Those who just have narcissistic tendencies, on the other hand, are very aware of the lines, and understand why these exist. 

So even though someone with narcissistic tendencies may cross your boundaries one too many times if they feel it isn’t really much of a harm, it’s still different from NPDs who don’t care at all.

5) They seek validation when they’re feeling great or feeling really low

Yeah…cringe. But tell me the truth. Don’t you want it, too?

Because I do!

Most of us want to feel appreciated and accepted by others. It’s probably human nature to have this basic need, and it’s quadrupled if one has self-esteem issues.

Perhaps they were bullied as a child. Or for years, people have told them they’re not pretty.

So of course, they’d crave praise later in life.

But it doesn’t go beyond that.

So wanting to receive praise and recognition? 

What they have is a harmless kind of self-obsession, and probably nothing more.

But if it seems INSATIABLE and their greed for attention, fame, and validation is causing them to harm others? 

Totally NPD!

6) Their narcissistic behavior is temporary

Let’s say they’re a filmmaker and they just won an award. They’d act all cocky and talk about their greatness 24/7 that your ears start to bleed.

But then as weeks pass, they slowly stop talking about it and go back to their usual self.

Or they start a new diet and start losing weight and now suddenly they’re bragging about it everywhere. But then a close friend tells them it’s not okay.

Guess what they do next?

They get embarrassed and genuinely apologize and change their behavior.

Or they just gave birth and suddenly they’re extra demanding to everyone around them, but it tapers off once they realize they are being self-centered. 

Well sure, they have narcissistic tendencies…but they’re not habitual narcissists.

Someone who has NPD has narcissistic traits that are so rooted in their personality. It is their way of life and it is who they are…unless they decide to change, of course.

7) They appreciate being admired but don’t need it all the time

The narcissist enjoys making others feel inferior. In fact, it’s their technique to dominate everyone around them because they like being admired.

“Make others feel low and elevate myself,” is their mantra.

So admiration affirms their sense of entitlement and self-importance…

But someone who only has narcissistic tendencies?

Well, they’ll appreciate admiration, or sometimes even court it but not to the point of habitual excess. 

Say they got a new haircut, or they worked so hard, they’d deeply appreciate praise or may even fish for it. They’d blush and feel good about themselves.

But they don’t need someone to do it all the damn time. 

So if you’re a friend, partner, or colleague, if they like being admired from time to time, just give it to them.

They may have narcissistic tendencies but they don’t have NPD.

They might just need a boost of self-esteem as we all do. 

Final thoughts

Remember that narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder lie on a spectrum with so many shades and colors between.

 It’s not possible to draw a straight line separating one from the other. 

Still, there is healthy narcissism (recognition of one’s hard work and ideas, joy in one’s self, even feeling pretty or recognizing when we look good) vis-a-vis pathological NPD.

NPD is unreasonable in multiple aspects: they feel ENTITLED to recognition, admiration, success, and are often envious or feel others are envious of them, and lack empathy for others’ needs.

They feel so deserving of everything they want and it doesn’t matter if their skills, capacity or work don’t make the cut. 

They make the most demanding friends, colleagues, bosses, and partners because they feel like they’re the center of the universe.

NPD’s (especially the grandiose type) never believe there is anything wrong with them so they are highly unlikely to seek treatment. 

The covert narcissists can be really manipulative and the expert ones change faces so fast it’s hard to catch them, and even if you do, they’ve built their cover of “reputation.”

So what can you do?

Build up yourself with a healthy dose of narcissism and you’ll become immune to NPDs.

Because once you have a solid sense of self-esteem and self-worth, you become far less of a prey to NPDs because you are no longer willing to be manipulated by their whims. 

And if you realize that someone indeed just has narcissistic tendencies, give them a break. Sure, tell them nicely how they’re annoying…but don’t make them feel like they’re part of a club that doesn’t deserve to exist.

They’re not as bad as you think they are.