Not every type of cheating involves sex. 

Emotional affairs are a hurtful and secretive type of relationship that often take place without the other partner knowing. 

When a man has an emotional affair it means he feels closer to this new individual than he does to his own partner. 

Sometimes the emotional affair eventually turns sexual, sometimes not. But the core of it is about giving his attention and love to somebody else. 

Here are the subtle signs that a man might be having an emotional affair: 

1) He’s increasingly secretive

Secrecy in a relationship is rarely a good thing.

When a man becomes increasingly secretive and waves off deeper discussions with his partner, it’s often because he’s found another source of emotional satisfaction. 

He doesn’t feel a desire to connect with his main partner, and he’s often quite tired from already sharing so much with his new side love interest.

As marriage and relationship author Sheri Stritof explains:

“In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other person than their spouse or partner and may experience increasing sexual tension or chemistry along with the emotional intimacy.” 

2) He closes down about things he used to discuss

Another warning sign that a man is having an emotional affair is that he’s more defensive than usual, even about mundane topics.

This is him pushing away his partner and dismissing their interest in connecting. 

He doesn’t want to open up because he already is doing that with somebody else:

He’s emotionally cheating, and not saving any of his love left over for the one he’s supposed to be committed to.

3) He’s notably flirtatious with one or several of his friends

Another sign of an emotional affair going on is when this guy has become noticeably flirtatious with acquaintances or friends. 

He may also flirt and engage in a lot of deep discussions when out in public. 

Even if it’s not aimed at seduction and sex, this fun flirting and back-and-forth banter can become a form of emotional cheating, where he’s getting his thrills and flirtation fix from somebody else than his partner. 

“If your partner keeps returning to a certain person in their life for the flirtation kick, they might end up developing a sense of intimacy and comfort in the dynamic—gradually opening the gateway for larger transgressions,” observes psychologist Mark Travers, PhD.

4) He begins spending more and more time online and on his phone

These days many emotional affairs take place online. 

Some men spend more time online than others, and some guys need to be on their phones for work:

But if a man has a noticeable increase in his engagement with texting or online activity and connecting with one or several people online, it can often signal an emotional affair. 

The internet provides a lot of opportunities for far more than just webcamming or porn when it comes to (debatable) forms of cheating. It also includes more and more opportunities to form deep emotional bonds across geography. 

As psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD. explains, emotional cheating “can even happen virtually—via Facebook, texts, emails, shared photos, and other messages. This other person becomes a fantasy of all that is wonderful to the partner.”

5) He suggests that he and his partner just don’t have many shared interests these days

When a man is emotionally cheating he’s often aware that he’s crossing a line. 

He talks about how he and his partner don’t have that much in common as a way to justify to himself that he’s not really emotionally focused on you anymore. 

Still in other cases, he isn’t quite sure where the line in the relationship is (or where it should be), and he’s testing that through baiting-type statements about the two of you growing apart. 

“To avoid confusion and transgressions, it is important that couples talk openly about boundaries instead of hoping that they will simply guess correctly,” Travers points out.

This ties into the next point… 

6) He’s mildly irritated for no clear reason when his partner suggests leisure time together 

When a man is emotionally cheating, he’s often got all his amorous and intellectual energy focused on somebody else. 

While he may still be having sex with his partner or going through their regular routine, his heart isn’t really in it anymore. 

When she suggests time together he may become annoyed or irritable for no apparent reason: 

It’s because he’s got somebody else he’d rather spend time around, at least when it comes to non-erotic activities. 

It’s increasingly clear that he feels bound by the relationship rather than voluntarily committed to it, even if this manifests in subtle ways. 

7) He references another woman’s views and experiences more than his partner’s

When he’s emotionally cheating, a man will often reference this new individual over and above his current spouse or girlfriend. 

It may just be in pointing out how his colleague or friend is smarter or more knowledgeable about a certain subject:

Or it could be more pointed in mentioning personality characteristics of his new connection that he finds desirable or preferable to his partner’s annoying behavioral aspects.

As Stritof notes, in an emotional affair, “your spouse’s friend gets mentioned a lot. You seem to hear much about this person’s opinions and yours seems to count less and less.” 

This relates directly to the next point: 

8) He puts the other woman first ahead of his partner’s needs

A man who is emotionally cheating tends to start prioritizing this other woman ahead of his partner. 

Slowly but surely this new person becomes his top priority:

He has to help her with a “work thing,” or the event they’re going to can’t be rescheduled even if family obligations and urgent matters come up with his partner. 

This is him putting the new person ahead of his partner because this new love interest is satisfying him in an emotional way that he feels his current partner is not.

“Do you feel like your needs and wants are not a top priority to your partner? That you are simply not number one? This is a strong sign of the presence of emotional cheating,” notes Kirschner.

9) He doesn’t pay much attention when his partner tells him her thoughts and feelings

If and when a man’s partner opens up to him there’s no guarantee about how he’ll react, of course. 

But one of the signs that he’s having an emotional affair is that he doesn’t pay much attention when his partner opens up.

He acts like her thoughts, feelings, and impressions aren’t important. The crises she’s having at work take second place and he doesn’t pay them much mind. 

There’s a good chance he’s much more focused on somebody else entirely. 

10) He’s not very celebratory of his partner’s successes and wins in life

This ties into the previous point because a man who’s having an emotional affair tends to disengage from his current relationship. 

He stops caring much about his partner’s problems and struggles, but he also stops caring much about her successes and joys, either. 

He’s switched off his attention and disengaged in order to focus on somebody else:

This is the stage at which a relationship can reach a state of no return, when an emotional affair has drained the current partner of any sensation or knowledge of being truly valued or loved. 

“Since so much attention, appreciation, and goodwill are going out of your relationship, it absolutely can lead to a breakup or divorce,” Kirschner writes.

“You need to take action to help circumnavigate this obstacle and come together in a new way—which can be done.”