Let me introduce you to Mr Nice Guy.

Just look at that nice smile. Just listen to those nice compliments. He’s just so… well, nice. It’s like he was made in a factory for nice people.

Unfortunately, Mr Nice Guy isn’t necessarily kind. The fact that he flashes you a smile every time you look at him, likes to treat you to dinner, or buys you little gifts doesn’t automatically mean his heart is in the right place.

Sometimes, a man is nowhere near as nice as he pretends.

But how can you recognize the difference between someone who’s genuinely kind and someone who hides behind a façade of niceties to get what he wants?

Let’s find out.

Here are the 8 subtle signs a man isn’t as nice as he makes himself out to be.

1) He expects to be rewarded for good behavior

Let’s start with the number one problem that Mr Nice Guy has: he is only nice because he believes that good behavior will help him gain something.

While all relationships are built on reciprocity, men who pretend to be nicer than they are tend to view every relationship as a business transaction.

I scratch your back, and you scratch mine.

If he doesn’t get rewarded or praised for how nice he is, though, he may soon grow tired of it, and before you know it, his true character has come out.

Here’s an easy way to recognize if he’s actually nice: let him do a small thing for you without offering anything in return (at least not immediately).

Let’s say he’s bought you a drink at the pub.

Thank him, but make it clear that a couple of drinks don’t mean you’re going to go home with him or even go on another date. Just because he’s done something nice for you doesn’t mean you owe him your time, energy, or body.

A genuinely kind man will respect that because he didn’t buy you a drink just to get something – he bought it because he wanted to do something kind for you.

A man who only pretends to be nice, though…

His true colors will show. Trust me.

2) He’s only nice when you don’t say “no”

And that brings us to our next sign, that is, the inability to take no for an answer.

Look, it’s extremely easy to be nice if people just go along with your plans. It is when we’re met with resistance that our true nature reveals itself.

Imagine you’ve been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. He’s asked if he can pick you up after work, to which you replied that you’d prefer to just go home and chill on your own because you’re very tired.

When you leave work, there he is, waiting for you with a bouquet of flowers.

Wow! He’s so nice that he’s decided to surprise you! He simply can’t get enough of you!

Stop right there.

This man clearly refuses to take no for an answer, and if you don’t show enough appreciation for this grand gesture of love (read: lack of respect for your boundaries), he’ll get annoyed or upset.

So, our lesson number two: say no and watch what happens.

3) He always portrays himself in the best possible light

I once dated a guy who always spoke of himself in an incredibly positive light.

If I asked him about his flaws, he’d shrug his shoulders and say something small that had a positive spin to it, such as, “I’m a perfectionist because I care so much, you know?”

As it later turned out, he was riddled with character flaws and weaknesses (just as we all are), he just refused to show them to me until I fell in love.

I also found out he wasn’t nearly as nice as he made himself out to be.

Do you know what’s a massive green flag?

When a man is honest about his flaws and mistakes. When he’s upfront, transparent, and authentic with you.

When he’s willing to be truthful and show you his disagreeable side.

A man who always portrays himself in the best possible light is not to be trusted. Oftentimes, it means he’s either hiding something or isn’t confident enough to show you his authentic self.

4) His exes are all crazy

If a man has one “crazy” ex, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. We’ve all been through some bad relationships, after all.

But if he seems to collect crazy exes like infinity stones, the only common factor is… well, himself. And that may very well mean he’s the actual problem here.

Throughout the years, I’ve found that kind men often talk about their exes with a certain degree of respect – yes, even if they didn’t part on good terms.

Men who only pretend to be nice are more likely to exaggerate, place themselves in the position of a victim, and lie about their past wrongdoings just to get in your good books.

Don’t get me wrong, it is entirely possible that the man you’re dealing with was involved in a toxic relationship with someone who treated him poorly.

But it’s important to remain on guard. If he always makes himself look like the victim of evil women who played with his feelings, he may not be taking accountability for his own part in the story.

5) He’s in love with the idea of you, not the real you

Every time a friend tells me that the guy they’ve known for two weeks is apparently deeply in love with them, I get a little alarmed.

Why?

Because you can’t know someone after two weeks. And because more often than not, men who are far too keen in the beginning tend to fall in love with the idea of you rather than who you really are.

Ask yourself:

• Does he ask me questions about myself and genuinely listen when I reply?
• Is he interested in my hobbies and passion projects?
• Do we have great conversational chemistry?
• Is he open, possibly even a little bit vulnerable, with me?
• Does he see me as I am (rather than impose his own ideas of who I am on me)?

If your answer to these questions is no, you may want to reconsider whether this man is actually in love or if he’s just infatuated with some made-up version of you in his head.

And if it’s the latter, he might only be nice to you because he’s trying to mold you into that specific idea.

6) He seeks validation, not connection

Alright, listen up. This is a big one.

A kind man wants connection. He wants an understanding of minds. He wants you both to bring out the best in each other and to grow together as people.

A man who isn’t as nice as he makes himself out to be, on the other hand, primarily seeks validation.

He doesn’t care about getting to know you on a deep level because he’s inherently self-centered. This means that your presence in his life is more about external validation and less about a genuine and authentic bond built between two people.

He may treat you like a princess because he wants you to feel grateful and impressed by him, thereby validating him as a highly masculine provider.

He might trauma dump on you for two hours straight because he’s looking for someone who will finally make him feel validated in all his pain.

He could even give you compliments just so that he can get some back.

Whatever it is, his relationships serve a function: that is, to boost his ego.

And playing nice is the easiest way to get precisely that.

7) He’s big on emotional manipulation

…and he may be very, very good at it, so watch out.

While kind people have others’ best interests at heart, Mr Nice Guy wants one thing only: to always come out on top.

As a result, he might use some manipulative techniques to get his way, such as: 

• Gaslighting you (making you doubt your own perception of reality or your memories)
• Guilt-tripping you (making you feel guilty for attending to your mental health needs instead of his own, for example)
• Projecting (blaming you for behaviors that he’s guilty of displaying himself).

Don’t fall for it.

8) His friends aren’t… great, to say the least

Our close friends say a great deal about who we are as people.

After all, you’re in charge of choosing who you surround yourself with.

If the four people you hang out with twice or three times a week are all pretty douche-y, it’s very likely you’re douche-y yourself – at least when you’re with them.

A guy can be as nice as he wants, but if his best friends are the kinds of people you’d never voluntarily hang out with, I’m sorry to inform you he probably acts very similarly when you’re not there.

So, go and meet his friends. Ask yourself if you genuinely like them. 

And make sure you’re ready to hear the answer.