Not every couple is meant to be together. 

As uncomfortable as that fact might be, it’s crucial to face it head-on and take a look at warning signs that two people just aren’t well matched. 

Don’t get me wrong:

No couple needs to live up to some Hollywood ideal or romance novel trope. But when there are certain repeated red flags showing up in a relationship, the fault-lines become much more distressing. 

Let’s take a look at the psychological signs that a couple isn’t actually compatible. 

1) Your core values don’t overlap

Couples often disagree in important and meaningful ways. But there are usually some areas in which they agree.

Generally there should be one major area of shared core values. 

When this isn’t the case, there’s a lack of genuine compatibility, because no matter how much the couple finds each other attractive, there’s no real traction in terms of what’s driving the relationship. 

This ties directly into the next point: 

2) Your life goals are miles apart

A happy couple doesn’t need to have goals that align perfectly. 

There’s always room for discussion, disagreement and compromise. 

But there should be some overlap. If one of the partner’s life goals, instead, are completely far apart and don’t even have anything to do with the other, that’s a problem. 

“We all have dreams that become dealbreakers if we can’t get them met—and there is nothing wrong with that. 

You shouldn’t have to compromise on something really important to you in a relationship,” points out licensed couples counselor Kari Rusnak, MA, LPC,CMHC.

3) Relationship communication is patchy

No relationship has perfect communication, but they all have some form of at least functional back-and-forth. 

If that’s missing in a relationship and there’s no real respectful communication, it’s on shaky ground. 

In fact, compatibility is seriously in doubt:

When needs aren’t met or even acknowledged, and communication is at a very low level, it’s not really a relationship so much as a random situationship. 

“When you spend more time asking for what you need instead of getting it and you see no changes, it’s time to go,” emphasizes psychologist Kathleen Isaac, PhD.

4) Living together feels like being roommates

When couples live together, there’s almost always some tensions that arise:

Sharing space is hard!

But if the relationship becomes more like being roommates who occasionally sleep together, it’s a sign of low compatibility. 

When there’s no real spark left and the connection has become truly boring, sometimes it’s a sign that there wasn’t really that much of a spark to begin with. In many cases it’s best to end earlier rather than later, before the regrets stack up.

Psychology Professor Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. PhD. makes an important observation: 

“When things get tough, you shouldn’t always tough them out and stick with it. Instead, it’s often better to quit and to do so sooner rather than later.”

5) Attraction is sometimes high, but respect is low

Even if attraction is high, there should also be a significant amount of respect in a relationship. 

When one of the two people in a relationship starts to take the other for granted, it’s a troubling development:

It points to very little compatibility between the two individuals.

Because the truth is that if one partner is taking the other for granted, then they are not really at a maturity and emotional intelligence level of being ready for a committed relationship. 

As married psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman observe of their own psychological research and experience in their long-time successful marriage: 

“In one study, we were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether or not a relationship would last — after observing a couple for just 15 minutes. 

“Ultimately, we’ve found that there’s one thing successful couples never do: take each other for granted.”

6) Unresolved fights bubble below the surface 

Fighting happens in almost every relationship, and it can actually lead to growth and improved understanding. 

However, when unresolved fights bubble below the surface and aren’t ever faced, it points to differences in handling conflict in the relationship. 

When the two individuals involved can’t decide on how to disagree and end up burying fights to let them fester and slowly poison the well, it’s a sign that compatibility is very poor. 

Clinical psychologist Dr. Damon Ashworth puts it well, referencing the research of John Gottman: 

“If you can’t get on the same team about how you want to fight, Gottman’s research findings indicate that your different conflict styles are more than likely to be the end of your relationship one day.”

7) One of you wants sex much more or less than the other

Sexual incompatibility is a difficult issue in many relationships, especially once the first spark of attraction has simmered down a bit. 

If one of the partners in a relationship has a higher libido than the other it’s certainly not a dealbreaker. 

But when sex drive differences and different relations to sex become very intense and aren’t resolved, it’s often a sign of poor compatibility. 

The two partners simply don’t see eye-to-eye on what physical intimacy should be in a relationship, which is an obstacle to further progress and long-term viability. 

8) Jealousy and baggage constantly plague your relationship

When jealousy and possessiveness are a constant presence in a relationship, it points to minimal compatibility. 

If one of those involved in a relationship can’t trust the other, then the suspicious individual has issues they need to work out on their own. 

It’s both unfair and deeply toxic for the suspicious partner to work out their fears and insecurities on the back of their partner. 

This is especially true when jealousy and distrust reaches the level of abusive accusations and paranoia. 

As Isaac writes: 

“No one should stay in a relationship in which he or she is being abused verbally, emotionally, financially or physically.”

9) There’s a nagging, deep feeling of unfulfillment 

In many cases a relationship seems outwardly fine and there’s no one thing that can be easily identified as missing or “wrong.”

But one or both of those in the relationship simply feel deeply unfulfilled:

They feel trapped, and they would date and be with somebody else if they weren’t in the relationship. 

Deep down they really just wish for freedom, but the burden of a breakup and trauma it would cause keeps them stuck in the same old routine that’s simply not working for them anymore. 

10) Tasks and work in the relationship is quite lop-sided 

Nobody likes a one-sided relationship, but the truth is that many relationships start out with both pitching in at first but later start to slip. 

If a relationship goes off track to the point of becoming very one-sided, it’s often a sign of poor compatibility:

Even if both partners have a lot in common, the fact that one refuses to really take responsibility and shoulder their fair share in the relationship is a warning sign that the connection is doomed. 

Unless something changes, it’s a clear signal that it’s not meant to be. 

“If your relationship is constantly one-sided then it’s not a relationship, so this is a sign to let it go,” advises counselor Sonya Frazier.

11) Both partners avoid deep conversations about their emotions and beliefs

Deep conversations aren’t a mainstay of every relationship, but they should occur from time to time. 

When a couple barely ever talks about what they really believe and how they feel, it’s a sign of a lack of compatibility. 

For one thing, it demonstrates a lack of feeling safe in the relationship with the partners opening up to each other. 

Additionally, it shows that there isn’t that much depth in the relationship or desire to really broach meaningful and profound subjects.

Taking stock of what went wrong

When there’s a lack of compatibility in a relationship and it ends, it can still be immensely painful. 

For one thing it can feel like meeting the “right match” is more difficult than it should be.

But the hidden opportunity in a relationship’s end is in learning the lessons of what went wrong and growing in self-knowledge as a result. 

As Travers observes:

“After a relationship goes south, it’s important to take stock of what went wrong. This can be done by yourself or with the help of a therapist and it can prevent you from entering a similarly vulnerable situation in the future.”