I’ve been told on many occasions that I’m the type of person who grows on you.

It’s not exactly the most flattering thing to hear.

Because it points to the fact that when people first meet me, I am inadvertently doing or saying things that rub them up the wrong way.

Of course, we all want to give the best impression we can. So a few years ago I decided to get to the bottom of where I may be going wrong.

What I discovered is that certain subtle behaviors make people dislike you immediately.

Let’s take a look at them so you can hopefully learn from my mistakes!

1) Talking too much about yourself  

We like to talk about ourselves.

Psychologists say it gives us a kick and lights up areas of the brain that are linked to value and motivation.

But when it comes to being liked, it’s a bad strategy.

Researchers found that whenever we talk a lot about ourselves or bring the topic back to us, our likability decreases.

That’s not to say we should keep quiet, obviously, both people should contribute.

But we should be mindful of hogging the conversation. Part of striking the right balancing act rests on our next point.

2) Not asking other people enough questions

The best way to check you’re not doing too much of the talking is to make sure you’re also asking plenty of questions.

Some of us (me included) will find plenty to say without needing to be prompted. But not everyone will.

Questions are ultimately how we show that we are taking an interest in someone and paying attention to them.

If you don’t bother doing this, you may inadvertently come across as not particularly bothered about their opinions, thoughts, interests, or life in general.

3) Speaking without thinking

Most of us have probably put our foot in our mouths at some point or another.

It usually happens when you say something without pausing to think how it will sound.

If you’re lucky, you will realize after it’s left your mouth that you shouldn’t have said it. The unlucky ones remain oblivious to the offense they’ve caused.

Overly blunt self-confessed “straight talkers” can misjudge their lack of tact.

Honesty is absolutely a virtue, but it’s not an excuse to say whatever we like.

If we want to make friends and influence people, we’ve got to learn how to deliver our message in the best way.

This goes for our next behavior too!

4) Being too forthcoming with strong options

When you are naturally opinionated, you likely have thoughts and ideas on pretty much everything.

As someone who feels this way, I’m not suggesting we should dilute who we are.

Being passionate, principled, or expressive certainly isn’t a bad thing in itself.

But the facts still remain:

• Some things are none of our business.
• Bossy isn’t the same as assertive.
• We don’t always need to offer our views, and it isn’t always appropriate to do so.

5) Trying too hard to impress

I’ve often found the more I want to make a good impression, the worse I do at it.

Here’s why:

I end up trying too hard and so lose authenticity in the process. We don’t like it when we feel like someone may be faking.

There are so many traps that trying too hard can push us into.

We may try to hide all our flaws, but being “too nice” can come across as insincere.

Perhaps we’re tempted to people-please to win favor, yet we end up coming across as bland or spinless.

We could throw in a few humble brags in the hopes of impressing, but blowing your own trumpet (even when you try to do it in subtle ways) often comes across as cringe. 

6) Acting like a know-it-all 

Whether we’re trying to play devil’s advocate, hoping to convince someone they’re wrong, or prove to others how smart we are — we should heed some advice.

Clinical psychologist Helene Brenner says, “There is tons of research that shows the chance that you’re going to change anyone’s mind by barraging them with your superior knowledge of the issue is close to zero.”

Rather than being a warrior of the truth, often it’s actually about ego.

It makes us feel good to feel like we might know more than someone else. But telling someone they’re wrong or acting like a know-it-all unsurprisingly makes others dislike you.

7) Complaining

Complaining can quickly become a drag.

But habitual moaning can get so ingrained we no longer even see ourselves doing it.

When you spend your time whining to someone about this that and the other, you are signaling to them that you may be a fundamentally negativity person.

And that is a real turn-off.

The truth is that we all need to vent sometimes, but be mindful of when, where, and who you do it with.

8) Interrupting someone when they’re speaking

This is a nasty habit I’ve had to work hard to kick.

I believe that for most of us, we do not mean to be rude. But that’s exactly how it can feel to the person being cut off.

We can get a little carried away in the conversation, and out of enthusiasm chime in to contribute a bit too soon.

It’s important to give people the space to finish what they have to say so that they feel heard.

Otherwise, it may seem like you think what you have to say is more important than them.

9) TMI

I’m a bit of an open book, but that means I can forget the golden rule of meeting new people:

Be wary of TMI — too much information.

Disclosing sensitive or personal information without an established relationship already in place can put a lot of people off.

It feels over-familiar.

Dishing the dirt too soon can seem like airing your dirty laundry in public.

Research shows the key is reciprocation.

Mutual self-disclosure helps to create a bond. So if you are the one doing all the sharing, it may be a sign to step back. 

10) Not giving someone your full attention

We’re talking about things like:

• Checking your phone
• Scanning around the room when someone is speaking
• Failing to make eye contact
• Not really listening to what they have to say (it’s probably more obvious than you think!)

All of these things are so easily done, but it gives off a bad impression that it’s hard to claw your way back from.

You mean nothing by it and it’s harmless in your eyes. Yet the person you are talking to can feel dissed.

Giving others our undivided attention is how we show respect.

11) Misjudged humor

Being funny is an incredibly desirable trait.

Yet humor is very tricky to navigate.

For starters, we all have different tastes. So it relies heavily on having the social awareness to read the room.

Another reason why it’s a minefield is that making a joke often involves observing little truths and pointing them out. That runs the risk of offending.

A joke that’s not funny usually sounds rude.

When jokes are misplaced they simply don’t land the way we intend. If in doubt, err on the side of caution.

12) Imposing yourself

Prematurely asking people for favors.

Taking liberties.

Tagging along when you haven’t been invited.

These sorts of impositions can get people’s backs up when they feel obligated or inconvenienced by your expectations of them. 

Of course, the other person should feel free to say no, but that’s not always how it goes.

It’s all about what’s considered good manners, and admittedly everyone has a slightly different version of what those look like.