When you do something wrong, how do you feel afterwards? 

For most of us, there’s some amount of regret and a desire to make up for what we did, to redeem ourselves. 

But for a certain type of individual, remorse doesn’t happen. Not even for very hurtful and unethical actions.

So how can you spot a sociopathic person who doesn’t feel regret? 

Psychology provides answers about the subtle behaviors of individuals who don’t feel sorry for hurting others or behaving dishonestly. 

1) They are rarely wrong

Those who rarely feel remorse do not necessarily have “no conscience.”

This is a commonly leveled accusation that’s important to clear up as it can cause a fair bit of confusion. 

Many of those who feel no remorse have a form of antisocial personality disorder or some form of sociopathy or sociopathic tendencies. 

In their own view, they’re simply almost always right and justified in what they do. Considering that they’re mistaken or wrong is nearly impossible for them. They always have a justification or an excuse. 

As a result, they don’t feel remorse for what they do most often because their own conscience tells them that whatever they did (stealing, assault, lying) was entirely justified and “right.” 

“It should be entirely possible for a person to have a conscience yet have no remorse,” notes University of Texas at Austin Professor J. Budziszewski. 

“The very fact that people with antisocial personality disorder make excuses for their bad behavior shows that they know that right and wrong are different things. A being who didn’t understand the difference wouldn’t even grasp the concept of an excuse.”

2) They deflect blame and point to others

This ties into the previous point, because the type of person who never feels like they’re wrong or mistaken naturally tends to blame others. 

When they do something many of us would see as unethical, hurtful or “bad,” this person instead sees themselves doing something justifiable or necessary. 

If that’s not the case, and they have no way to defend their actions, they tend to point the finger at others who they claim caused them to act in that way or to do something seemingly wrong. 

As psychologist Margalis Fjelstad, PhD., LMFT explains:

“Remorse involves admitting one’s own mistakes and taking responsibility for one’s actions. It creates a sense of guilt and sorrow for hurting someone else and leads to confession and true apology.”

3) They have a superiority complex about their own actions

Those who rarely feel remorse for their actions tend to have a savior complex and feelings of superiority. 

What this means in plain English is that they think everything they do is beyond criticism and that their mistakes aren’t important since they are motivated by good intentions. 

They believe that the end (goal) always justifies the means (method). 

They have trouble feeling sorry for what they did (or didn’t do) that hurt others or caused tragic or difficult consequences, because in their own mind they are above reproach. 

They have strong motivations for doing what they do, and saying sorry for that strikes them as illogical. 

This ties into the next point: 

4) They only apologize with a caveat

If and when they do say sorry, it’s always with a “but” or “however.”

They’re not truly sorry, and if anything they’re only sorry that they were caught or that they’re facing any heat. 

Unlike true remorse and regret where they want to make up for what they’ve done or really face the facts, this is more of a “going through the motions” kind of thing. 

They say sorry, but it’s always with a caveat and it’s always reluctantly or only to get to the next stage of once again being “in the clear.”

This is the opposite of a sincere and true apology.

As Fjelstad explains:

“Remorse statements lead to a true apology, including concern for your feelings, and responsibility for their actions.”

5) They don’t care about the consequences if the potential reward is high enough

Those who rarely feel remorse tend to believe that they are just doing what needs to be done and that if awful things happen along the way it’s not their fault. 

Like the protagonist Tony Montana in the disturbing 1983 film “Scarface,” this person may eventually come to feel some remorse in their final moments but it can come at the expense of causing horrible suffering and pain to others. 

Whether it’s a war crime that was convenient in getting rid of an elusive target in a large crowd, or abusive actions in a relationship that helped them keep control of their partner, the person who doesn’t feel remorse always has a justification.

They are ready to explain why their action was inevitable or, failing that, an explanation on why somebody else was really to blame for it.

The simple fact is that they’re dismissive of the thoughts and feelings of others in their pursuit of an overarching goal or ideal (in the case of Tony his ideal to become the richest, most powerful and admired gangster in Miami).

6) They’re superficially charming but cold inside

Those who feel no remorse are often very charming on the outside. 

This is because the worst of them are able to play a “long game” in which they strategically display their kindness and charm to rope people. They then manipulate and use those people for their ends. 

They are able to make an amazing first impression and come across as humorous and charismatic at first.

But underneath that charming outer layer there often lies a cold and unfeeling person who is laser-focused only on his or her desires and needs even if it’s at the expense of everybody else.

“The ones who are able to delay gratification and play the long game are the most harmful because they are meticulous and polished. They typically make an exceptionally good first impression and come across as warm, empathetic, and even altruistic,” explains psychotherapist David Lieberman.

7) They only show empathy when it makes them look good

Those who rarely feel remorse for their actions tend to have minimal emotional reactions. 

But if and when they do show a reaction it is, sadly, often performative. 

They act very proud of a colleague for their success, for example, but only because they’re trying to sleep with them…

Or they express enormous empathy for a family member who’s having a hard time, but only because they’re warming up to ask for a short-term loan…

This is part of a pattern that psychologists have identified in around 5% of the population where there just isn’t much emotional response to events.

As psychological and research professor of criminal justice at Indiana University in Bloomington Nathalie Fontaine notes, one particularly influential study: “drew on reports from the parents and teachers of roughly 9,500 twins born in England in the mid-1990s, tracking them at ages 7, 9 and 12. 

The most worrisome group of children identified in the study — about 5 percent — rated high on a scale of what psychologists call “callous-unemotional traits” at age 7, then continued to exhibit a disturbing lack of normal emotions through age 12.”

8) They use relationships and emotional bonds as bargaining chips

Those who rarely feel remorse for their actions tend to be masters at gaining control in relationships and situations. 

They use emotional bonds as bargaining chips.

By being very kind or attentive, they later call in that favor and ask for it back. 

By committing to their wife in a very deep way, they later use this to make her feel obligated to pay a huge chunk of debt they have. 

They are also able to effectively wind somebody up and make them get so angry that they lose control, leading the manipulator to then ask for favors and recompense in return. 

“Sociopaths know how to push the right psychological buttons to gain control in a relationship. Once they’ve achieved a degree of compliance, they’ll seek to undermine their target’s emotional stability,” notes Lieberman.

9) They exhibit controlling and possessive behavior 

The individual who feels little remorse tends to be very controlling and possessive. 

They want everything to go their way and they throw a temper tantrum of the century if that doesn’t happen. 

They try to micromanage everyone around them and don’t take responsibility if this becomes overly controlling or severe. 

That’s because in their mind they are justified and their actions are necessary.

As psychology writer Deanna Altomara notes:

“Some may hold highly respected careers, such as a businessperson. They might seem charismatic or charming but are actually manipulative.”

These behaviors may seem easy to spot, but that isn’t always the case, and it’s important to be aware of the insidious ways in which a sociopathic person can worm their way into your life. 

Confidence is great, but an almost total lack of remorse is a dangerous thing.