If you ever had the displeasure of dealing with a narcissist, you’d know that they can be tricky to deal with.

They make everything about themselves and will go to great lengths to ensure their reputation is not tarnished.

So when they’ve messed up, they will do anything to deflect and avoid all accountability for what they have done.

But they will not do it overtly – most of the time, they’ll approach the situation in a sneaky way and attempt to gaslight you by twisting their words so as to shift the blame to anyone but themselves.

If you’re not careful, you may end up letting them off the hook and worse still, blame yourself for their wrongdoing.

And so today, we will take a look at some of the sneaky phrases narcissists use to avoid accountability.

1) “You misunderstood me.”

Rather than apologize, this is a tactic that narcissists use to absolve themselves of all wrongdoing – they make it seem as if you were the one who took it the wrong way.

You were the one who misinterpreted their words and thus, you’re the one to blame for the hurt and grievance you’re experiencing. 

Never mind that what they said was callous or rude. They may even justify this by saying that this is how they normally talk to others. So it’s not their fault if you’re the only one who feels negatively about the whole thing.

So the next time you hear this, be mindful that you do not immediately blame yourself. Sure, misunderstandings do happen.

But if this person has a track record of doing this or your gut tells you that something’s off, remember that they’re the one responsible for the hurt you’re experiencing.

2) “I’m sorry you feel that way but…”

Trust me, they’re not sorry at all.

They’re just using that word to soften the overall tone of the conversation and appear as if they feel bad for what they did to you.

Nothing matters more to a narcissist than their ego, so most of them would rather die than make a genuine apology. 

In this case, they’re not taking responsibility for what their actions made you feel. They’re trying to deflect the blame, to show that what you’re feeling is entirely because of you. 

Not what they did. 

The ‘but’ is also key here.

They may continue with a justification for their actions, such as saying ‘I was trying to do what I thought was right” or “This is just how I am”.

There can be many different iterations of reasons (more like excuses) for their behavior, but one thing’s for sure – they feel zero remorse for what they did.

3) “I did it for you.”

This is a classic attempt to shift the blame for their wrongdoings to the person they hurt.

Upon hearing this, it’s likely that you’ll start feeling bad for the narcissist. By twisting their words, this phrase makes it seem as if their actions were a result of your need for something.

While this may be true in some cases, watch out for the narcissist who uses this a bit too often (with nearly everyone they meet). 

They won’t hesitate to throw you under the bus, be it in a corporate setting or within a group of friends.

Their manipulative tactics have been honed for a very long time, so try to be on your guard when you’re interacting with someone like them.

4) “If you hadn’t done that, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

This phrase positions their actions as a result of your decision, words, or behavior.

And this is quite common in abusive relationships or friendships. They’ll lash out or hurt the other person and use this phrase to justify their actions when confronted.

So it’s your fault now! According to them, all this could be avoided if you hadn’t done what you did. 

Now it may be very tempting to accept the blame in this situation because they’re able to expertly put the blame on you for (in their words) “overreacting”, ‘being too sensitive’, ‘misunderstanding their intentions.’

However, you need to remember that your feelings are valid and you have the right to feel hurt when you’ve been wronged.

5) “Let’s not dwell on the past.”

Well isn’t this a convenient excuse? 

Narcissists will attempt to change the topic or prevent any more discussion on what they did.

If you bring up past wrongdoings, they will use this excuse to appear as if they believe that the way forward is to focus on the future.

But the issue comes when every mistake they make is treated with the same amount of indifference. 

While it may not be obvious at the start, you may begin to notice patterns in a narcissist’s behavior. 

If they’re not shifting the blame to you, they’re shifting it on the next person they can.

6) “I’m not perfect.”

No one’s perfect. But that’s not an excuse to behave like a jerk and not apologize for hurting people.

This statement may appear harmless at first. After all, it’s human to make mistakes.

But in this case, the narcissist is attempting to avoid all accountability by attributing their faults to ‘human nature’. 

After this, you may feel bad for calling them out on their actions. With this phrase, they were able to paint you out to be the bad guy, for perhaps being too uptight over certain things.

If you find yourself in this position, it’s easy to forget what made you confront them in the first place, and why you’re feeling the way you do.

Don’t accept this as an apology – it’s in fact a cop-out and another one of a narcissist’s tactics to shift the blame onto anyone but themselves.

7) “I had no choice.”

They sure did. They just want to make it seem as if they were forced into doing what they did – which is unlikely, for a narcissist.

They, of all people, would know how to navigate situations to their benefit. 

This just absolves them of all responsibility for the mistakes they made, as you would naturally feel sorry for them. You may even try to understand their ‘situation’ and justify their actions.

In doing so, the narcissist would have successfully gaslighted you into thinking that they’re not in the wrong.

There may be situations where someone has no other path to take except that particular one. But in the case of a narcissist, they’re just trying to gain sympathy from everyone else so it’d seem as if they’re not in the wrong.

Concluding thoughts

Do these phrases seem familiar to you? If it does, and it confirms that perhaps your partner, family member, or friend is a narcissist – be on your guard the next time you interact with them.

Watch out for daggers disguised as sweet words. Unfortunately, the only thing that matters to a narcissist is their ego.

When dealing with them in the future, remember to stand your ground and don’t let them manipulate you into thinking that they’re not at fault.