“The only constant is change” are good words to live by. Saying that, we don’t really talk about what comes after the changes enough.

It’s not talked about enough that sometimes, moving forward means leaving a lot behind.

You don’t really get to prepare for what comes after if everything is a new chapter, right? 

Especially when it comes to people in our lives. That includes romantic partners, friends, and maybe even family members. 

You don’t get to prepare yourself for the shame or the guilt that comes with thinking that you’ve outgrown your deepest connections.

And it does happen, more often than you think, actually. 

So let’s discuss it.

Here are 10 signs you’ve outgrown someone who loves you, according to psychology.

1) Your core values differ and you constantly give way

You might not immediately realize how exhausting it is to interact with someone whose values are different from yours, but if no one compromises in the long run, it’s going to weigh you down.

It’s going to constantly feel like talking to a wall and that doesn’t sound much like a relationship where you can thrive. 

At some point, yielding and yielding towards the other person will grow old. You can’t just constantly give way and expect yourself to have more to give. 

So even if they love you, that might not be enough, you can outgrow their behavior despite all the love. You’re allowed to be tired of being treated like this, you’re allowed your boundaries. 

2) You feel drained even at the thought of them

Despite good intentions, you’ve truly outgrown someone when even the thought of them drains you.

The thought of them fills you not with anticipation, but dread instead. 

And this doesn’t mean they don’t wish you well or that they don’t love you, but it could just mean you’re at different places in your life and your present selves clash. 

But it could also mean that their love has turned burdensome.

3) You keep making excuses for the situation

You’ve outgrown someone if you need to make excuses just to sustain the relationship. 

You keep making excuses for their behavior. You keep making excuses for your disdain or your vastly different values. You keep making excuses for the awkwardness between the two of you.

You keep making excuses over and over just to keep a facade of peace. 

You keep making excuses not only for them but for yourself as well. 

4) Interacting with them feels like a chore

A healthy relationship should make you feel good and fulfilled, it shouldn’t feel like a chore.

This isn’t me saying that it should always be rainbows and butterflies, no, not at all. This is me saying you should at least not resent the time you spend with them.

You should feel that this relationship is doing you some good and not just bringing you down. 

And sure, the people we love will test our patience from time to time, but conflict resolution should feel like a necessary effort on our part, born from love and a willingness to work things out.

It should not feel like an ultimatum, it shouldn’t feel like you have no other choice. 

5) Nostalgia is the only thing that binds you

You’ve outgrown someone who loves you when the only thing tying you together is the past. 

And I get it, nostalgia can take you back to simpler times, it can take you back to your youth, it can take you back to a time when you felt the world was just much kinder.

Nostalgia is powerful, especially in relationships. Having a history with someone can get you far, but sometimes not far enough. 

Let’s face it, holding onto the good times while being blind to the reality of the situation is unhealthy. If the only thing that binds you to someone is a version of you that doesn’t exist, where can growth thrive? 

Nostalgia is great, but if you’re already looking back, then it means you’re already ahead. 

6) They resent your growth

Love is complex, isn’t it? One can love someone and resent who they have become. 

One can love someone and yet wish they never change or never grow as a person. It’s a selfish way to look at love but it exists just the same. 

And it’s difficult to exist in that dynamic, so it’s no surprise that you can outgrow this kind of a relationship. 

Yes, people can love you as much as they can, but love can be unhealthy, too. Their love can be something you don’t need.

And that love is also something you can choose to let go. 

7) You resent their growth (or lack thereof)

In reverse of the previous, the other person’s growth (or lack thereof) could also make you outgrow the relationship. 

Again, love is complex, and what we learn to endure in these relationships dictates our duration of staying in said relationship. 

And at times, staying is not an option at all.

Perhaps it is selfishness, perhaps it is exhaustion. Perhaps it is just knowing the ending of a good thing and accepting it is time to move on. 

8) The fights are constant and unending

A sign that you’ve outgrown someone? When you’re constantly at odds with them. 

And yes, I know that arguments are normal.

Very Well Mind even says it can be healthy, “While it might sound counterintuitive, fighting in love can actually be a good thing for your relationship.”

“When you learn how to argue effectively and respectfully, it can be a way for you to learn more about each other, maintain your boundaries, and resolve issues that might affect the long-term health of your relationship.”

And that’s the caveat, isn’t it? It needs to be done respectfully. 

So, constantly fighting? Going around in circles just to pick a fight? Issues never getting resolved or being swept under the rug?

There might be a fundamental problem at play here. One that won’t be going away anytime soon. 

At some point, that gets exhausting to deal with. 

9) You aren’t “you” around them

A glaringly obvious sign that you’ve outgrown someone is when you aren’t “you” around them. 

It’s when you need to pretend to be someone else, or someone you used to be, just to keep the relationship going. 

How long does the facade need to last before it gets too much? How long do you need to pretend just so you can keep them? Just so you don’t disturb the status quo? 

10) You don’t see a future with them

And finally, a rather obvious sign that you’ve outgrown someone is when you don’t see them in your future. 

Now, I’m all for living in the moment and focusing on the present joys and worries, but not considering someone’s presence in your future seems like a glaring flag. 

When you’re no longer excited to see them or when you don’t consider them when making decisions that can affect your future, where then does love land? Where then do trust and respect continue? 

Where do you actually go from here if the future isn’t even a valid option? 

One last thing

“Outgrowing” is given such a negative connotation. We feel afraid to outgrow our dreams, our lovers, our friends, and even our family. 

But we do outgrow them! It does happen. It’s within the nature of growing into yourself, sometimes you grow outside of what you used to know. At times, you may even outgrow yourself. 

And that’s the thing about growth, isn’t it? It’s never easy, but the growing pains are necessary. 

So please, stay kind to yourself during this time, friend. May clarity reach you and may it stay there.